introduction of composting toilets for WymFest2000 created
enormous upset in the village with fears of flooding, obnoxious
gases, disease and extra expense being uppermost in some minds.
Many villagers used the to express their views:
that time again! This year's Wymsical Festival promises to be
bigger and better than ever. Among the attractions will be
dancing elephants, a painted lady, helicopter rides, hot air
balloons, clowns, punch & Judy, dancing, a marching band, a
roast out, jesting, jousting and much, much more. See the next
edition of the Wymsey Chronicle for more details. This years
Festival is sponsored by Dah Dits of Wymsey (Official Supplier of
cough drops to the Sidney Olympics), UWAT FM & Armitage P
The Festival Committee.
[09 Jun]: And not a TOILET to be found anywhere. What an
environmental disaster. Blocked drains at the Crown, Wymsey's
ducks gone for ever from the pond and the navigation requiring a
major dredging operation. The results of bad planning and
inadequate facilities just for a cheap spectacle.
Management [09 Jun]: We have it on good authority (Armitage
Shanks) that a whole fleet of composting toilets will be bused
in. We resent the implication that WymFest will be a 'cheap
spectacle', people are still talking about WymFest99.
Trimble [09 Jun]: I think Biggs brings up some valid
concerns. Does the Planning Committee have any ideas about
addressing the very real environmental issues that this event
will impose on our Navigation and the wildlife that live on and
around its banks?
The Management [10 Jun]:
Composting toilets are the best thing since sliced bread.
Pooh-poohing our grand festival is something we have to live
with. There are far more pressing pressures on our environment
than WymFest 2000 - one English town has had to build an extra
waste incinerator since a certain burger bar opened (people find
their products so good that they throw away more than half).
Another has had to employ twenty people merely to collect
discarded cola cans.
Rosalie McLain [10 Jun]: I for
one am very excited about the upcoming festival! It will be a
grand opportunity for good, wholesome fellowship with our
neighbours, and I'm looking forward with glee :-)
Trimble [10 Jun]: Well, I have to admit that the composting
toilets sound like a good thing, but I still have concerns for
the wildlife that will be disrupted by such a gathering. And
besides, what about the tadpoles that are just now hatching along
the banks of the Navigation. I'm afraid some of the more unruly
young men may not wait their turn for the portable, if you know
what I mean...
Granny Turnipseed [10 Jun]: Meself,
I'd feel much heartier 'bout this 'hole thing if'n it had
Counsellor Biggs' endorsement. Afte' all, he's the one what's
going to have to pick up the pieces after this shindig. Ye knows
what I means. Dem young folk get all lickered up and go to
kissing dem what's not they spouses and then all hellos break
out! The young folk today is WILD and I do mean WILD!
McLain [10 Jun]: Dearest Granny, you know we all respect the
wisdom of your years, so perhaps a counter to any possible
"wildness" would be if we set up a prayer tent right in
the c enter of the green. It could stay in place throughout the
festival and we could even turn it into something like a revival!
Wouldn't that be blessed!
The Management [10 Jun]:
We had hoped that Rosalie's operation may have modified her need
to insert prayers all over the environs. As to the tadpoles, they
are all small frogs by now.
Granny TS: Counsellor Biggs is
in no position to endorse anything. WymFest 2000 is down to the
Counsellor Biggs [10 Jun]: I will
endorse the use of composting toilets whether Wymsey wishes it or
not ( so much for democratic Wymsey). I must add that the wisdom
of Granny Turnipseed should be taken note of, there is some good
advice on old shoulders don't anyone think differently.
McLain [10 Jun]: I agree with you, Biggs. Granny is a
treasure that our village often takes for granted. Thank you for
the sharing your advice with us. Even though I was as sceptical
as some about the festival, I must admit I feel much more
confident about it now. Once again, you've contributed admirably.
Thank you, Rosie.
The Management [11 Jun]: We are
pleased to note that Coun. Biggs endorses composting toilets
although it is clear that he has not experienced the pleasure
provided by the ones supplied by Tomatshoe Travelling
Armitage Shanks [17 Jun]: Hello all,
Our composting toilets are on the way. There have been some
delays, due to computer problems at Tomatoshoe Towers but come
next week we should have some major flush action going on. We do
ask that drinkers of Stout and Real ale please leave their
ablutions till they get home. More details to follow.
McLain [18 Jun]: What are ablutions? I'm getting so excited
about the upcoming WymFest 2000! Being able to see the amazing
composting toilets all set up on the green awaiting the big event
will only heighten everyone's excitement I'm sure. Have the Inca
Gods arrived yet?
The Management [18 Jun]:
Ablutions are what Americans use the bathrooms for and what the
Brits do in the toilet.
Rosalie McLain [18 Jun]: Do
Inca Gods have ablutions?
The Management [21 Jun]:
Oh yes, ablutions are universal.
Coun. Biggs [22
Jun]: Re composting toilets, after a discussion with Prof. Tripp,
he advises that the management should give further consideration
to composting toilets. They are, according to the Prof, low
volume devices which require a dressing of earth, or some such
dry material after every visit regardless of the type of use and
also a periodic dressing of some fresh organic material to aid
decomposition by promoting the appropriate bacterial action.
These conditions are unlikely to be met under festival activities
and these toilets will most likely become containers of highly
obnoxious waste, requiring the employment of sanitary specialists
at considerable cost to the village. If the above is the case
then I must sincerely apologise for my earlier endorsements of
the use of composting toilets. I hope this will be of some use to
the Management and their deliberations.
[23 Jun]: Have no fear! Professor Trap is behind the times. I an
assured by Tomatoshoe Travelling Facilities that recent advances
in high volume, high density, portable composting toilets has to
be seen to be believed.
Paula Trimble [23 Jun]:
Biggs brings up a valid point, and I implore Management to take
his advise more seriously. After all, Tomatoshoe has a vested
interest in our decision to use their facilities.
Turnipseed [23 Jun]: Yep, yep -- I cain sees it now. The
whole mess is gwain to burst out in flames and the entire Village
could burn to the ground if them thar composting piles aint
handled jest right. I done seed it happened one summer when
Grandpa tried composting out by the garden.
McLain [23 Jun]: Oh dear! Oh dear! Please don't let our
beautiful village burn to the ground!
Irene de Mandible
[25 Jun]: When IS WymFest 2000?
The Management [25
Jun]: WymFest 2000 takes place, as usual, over the weekend of
August 11th - 13th. The grand opening will take place at 7.00pm
BST. World-wide coverage will be carried by Wymsey Community
Radio Online as well as by UWAT FM. The celebrity opening WymFest
will be chosen in the Grand Celebrity Draw on July 4th. Feel free
to nominate a celebrity - the winner will be chosen using ESI's
Lower Breeches.F.C. [29 Jun]:
To Wymsey Management: Sirs/Ladies, As the committee for the
festival in Lower Breeches your neighbouring village it may be
advisable if we arranged a meeting in the near future. We are
having a festival one week prior to Wymsey and we are also having
a dancing elephant which we intend to turn into an elephant roast
on the last evening. We had this speciality last year and it was
very successful, this year we shall not roast the trunk as it was
eating the buns faster than the purchasers. Some spiritual thing
I suppose ,most likely a subject for Rosalie Mc Lain. As there is
unlikely to be many dancing elephants about these days I think we
should make sure the supplier hasn't double booked by mistake. If
so you may end up with a bag of bones, the villages of Lower
Breeches are a greedy lot. All success with your festival
The Management [29 Jun]: There seems to be
some confusion here. We are Wymsey in the County of Lympshire and
our neighbouring villages are Martingdale, Upper Farthingdale,
Lower Farthingdale and Farthingdale Abbas. We are approximately
10 miles from the county town of Watchester. There is no village
called Lower Britches in the county of Lympshire. We are afraid
that you have the wrong Wymsey. See the Wymsey FAQ for further
Lower Breeches F.C. [30 Jun]: We have
noticed with much humour the predilection of the Management of
Wymsey in denying everything that seems to encroach upon their
domain of Wymsey. Names, peoples titles, people's academic
qualifications, authority, ability, residential status. We think
there some kind of insecurity problem here and they should
consult an appropriate specialist in these matters of which we am
sure Wymsey has the finest.
Management's next ploy will be
to criticise our spelling and grammar, the defence of an
uncreative child with low ability and high esteem. However we
would think that your most pressing consideration should be, not
have we got the wrong village, but the right elephant.
The Management [30 Jun]: Have no fear on
the elephant, Bertie Transom's are the best. Of course we are not
going to be critical about your grammar any more than we would
make comments about your paranoia or map reading abilities. We
believe in equal opportunities, even for the geographically
challenged, but also factual accuracy.
[01 Jul]: Testy, are we? I think we should all take a deep breath
and say a little prayer.
CR American [01 Jul]: I
say we all stand up and sing the Star Spangled Banner!
Smith [01 Jul]: I thinks we should all sing the Stain
Audrey weeks [09 Jul]: Hello
Wymsey, I've been reading this board for some time , heavens
above I've had a good laugh about them composters. Used them
myself about four years ago, perishing firm told me they would
work wonders. Hell they did. I've got ten acres of land in
Southwold, my hubby gave it to me, part of Week Farm land.
Maintain it for rallies- galas festivals etc,. makes a few pounds
for Xmas. I use flush toilets now, the real thing ,hot and cold,
cleaned every hour, emptied every day.
toilets? Phew! no thanks, couldn't keep down the midges, millions
of them, tried everything, candles, sprays, mosi coils, waste of
time, they was keeping the people away with disastrous result,
quite unapproachable some of them became, what a pen and
Leslie Smith [09 Jul]: I smells a friend of
old Bigsey I does. Ain't no point in getting composting toilets
if you ain't prepared to get trained in them first. I knows I did
and they ain't no flys on me.
Leslie Smith [09
Jul]: Tee Hee! I's been at sle elderberry wine alsh dsy lon, I
av. That Awfry Wigs shesh ddarn barmy she ish.
[10 Jul]: Leslie, may I call you me old mate, what's the chance
of a few bottles of the good stuff. Probably get you a good price
if there's a bob or two in it for me. You are probable right
about Biggs and Audrey they do know each other, but they are
genuine for all that and Audrey ain't no fool. No offence but
don't be to critical of them especially Audrey, most friendly and
pleasant woman in the world. Heart of gold but rub her up the
wrong way and you could end up with you head on a silver dish and
an apple in your mouth. I repeat no offence, take a tip from me
you could do yourself a bit of good keeping on the right of
Audrey. As to the Management, yes Audrey likes to be outspoken
but she's a puritan within.
Granny Turnipseed [10
Jul]: Well, me hienie ain't ne'r bean on one of dem composting
loos yet. Lawd Lawd Hogman -- ye may not have enny flies on yer
old coot, but ye pigs shore do! I wuz over at yer holdin te pick
up me ears, tails and feets from yer old lady this morning and I
aint ne'r seen the likes of flies buzzing round dat place. Darn
near made me sick!
Pookah's Travel Service [10
Weeks [10 Jul]: Been reading what that idiot Surf's been
writing, he wants to go back to that rest home. Yes I knew Biggs,
but that wasn't his name then, it was Colin Potts electrician on
the night shift at the Pie and Sausage factory. By the way Wymsey
look at the fine print on that compost toilet contract you may be
responsible for all incidents while they are on your property.
Leslie Smith [10 Jul]: Pookah me dear I was
thinking about you only yesterday, I was wondering how the travel
business was going. Got me name down for one of them Ready Seats
- ain't it a marvel what they comes up with, free as well. I'm
looking forward to playing with it of a cold winter's evening. I
sees that Audrey is back again, she a darn coarse body. It may go
down in Daventry but it ain't expected in Exeter is what I
Betsy Gregory [10 Aug]: Why are all those
composting toilets leaking out into the Bit Stream? I thought
they were leak-proof!
The Management [11 Aug]:
Betsy Gregory, you tread dangerously when you make such
allegations. Armitage P Shanks likes nothing better than a good
Betsy Gregory [18 Aug]: I tread where I
will, Management. I stand by my claim! Armitage Shark must do
what he must, but first he must explain the horrible stench
that's coming from beneath me house where the navigation has
overflowed. My place is located on the banks of the navigation,
just south of where the leaking composting toilets were
The Management [19 Aug]: We took a walk
along the Navigation only this morning and there is no evidence
to suggest that it has overflowed it's banks. The water level was
a ten inches below the towpath. We think that you should get your
drains looked at. Or maybe your house is built on a bog, there's
plenty of those hereabouts.