WymFest2000:
Composting Toilets
Upsets


The introduction of composting toilets for WymFest2000 created enormous upset in the village with fears of flooding, obnoxious gases, disease and extra expense being uppermost in some minds. Many villagers used the to express their views:

It's that time again! This year's Wymsical Festival promises to be bigger and better than ever. Among the attractions will be dancing elephants, a painted lady, helicopter rides, hot air balloons, clowns, punch & Judy, dancing, a marching band, a roast out, jesting, jousting and much, much more. See the next edition of the Wymsey Chronicle for more details. This years Festival is sponsored by Dah Dits of Wymsey (Official Supplier of cough drops to the Sidney Olympics), UWAT FM & Armitage P Shanks.

The Festival Committee.


Coun. Biggs [09 Jun]: And not a TOILET to be found anywhere. What an environmental disaster. Blocked drains at the Crown, Wymsey's ducks gone for ever from the pond and the navigation requiring a major dredging operation. The results of bad planning and inadequate facilities just for a cheap spectacle.

The Management [09 Jun]: We have it on good authority (Armitage Shanks) that a whole fleet of composting toilets will be bused in. We resent the implication that WymFest will be a 'cheap spectacle', people are still talking about WymFest99.

Paula Trimble [09 Jun]: I think Biggs brings up some valid concerns. Does the Planning Committee have any ideas about addressing the very real environmental issues that this event will impose on our Navigation and the wildlife that live on and around its banks?

The Management [10 Jun]: Composting toilets are the best thing since sliced bread. Pooh-poohing our grand festival is something we have to live with. There are far more pressing pressures on our environment than WymFest 2000 - one English town has had to build an extra waste incinerator since a certain burger bar opened (people find their products so good that they throw away more than half). Another has had to employ twenty people merely to collect discarded cola cans.

Rosalie McLain [10 Jun]: I for one am very excited about the upcoming festival! It will be a grand opportunity for good, wholesome fellowship with our neighbours, and I'm looking forward with glee :-)

Paula Trimble [10 Jun]: Well, I have to admit that the composting toilets sound like a good thing, but I still have concerns for the wildlife that will be disrupted by such a gathering. And besides, what about the tadpoles that are just now hatching along the banks of the Navigation. I'm afraid some of the more unruly young men may not wait their turn for the portable, if you know what I mean...

Granny Turnipseed [10 Jun]: Meself, I'd feel much heartier 'bout this 'hole thing if'n it had Counsellor Biggs' endorsement. Afte' all, he's the one what's going to have to pick up the pieces after this shindig. Ye knows what I means. Dem young folk get all lickered up and go to kissing dem what's not they spouses and then all hellos break out! The young folk today is WILD and I do mean WILD!

Rosalie McLain [10 Jun]: Dearest Granny, you know we all respect the wisdom of your years, so perhaps a counter to any possible "wildness" would be if we set up a prayer tent right in the c enter of the green. It could stay in place throughout the festival and we could even turn it into something like a revival! Wouldn't that be blessed!

The Management [10 Jun]: We had hoped that Rosalie's operation may have modified her need to insert prayers all over the environs. As to the tadpoles, they are all small frogs by now.

Granny TS: Counsellor Biggs is in no position to endorse anything. WymFest 2000 is down to the Parish Council.

Counsellor Biggs [10 Jun]: I will endorse the use of composting toilets whether Wymsey wishes it or not ( so much for democratic Wymsey). I must add that the wisdom of Granny Turnipseed should be taken note of, there is some good advice on old shoulders don't anyone think differently.

Rosalie McLain [10 Jun]: I agree with you, Biggs. Granny is a treasure that our village often takes for granted. Thank you for the sharing your advice with us. Even though I was as sceptical as some about the festival, I must admit I feel much more confident about it now. Once again, you've contributed admirably. Thank you, Rosie.

The Management [11 Jun]: We are pleased to note that Coun. Biggs endorses composting toilets although it is clear that he has not experienced the pleasure provided by the ones supplied by Tomatshoe Travelling Facilities.

Armitage Shanks [17 Jun]: Hello all, Our composting toilets are on the way. There have been some delays, due to computer problems at Tomatoshoe Towers but come next week we should have some major flush action going on. We do ask that drinkers of Stout and Real ale please leave their ablutions till they get home. More details to follow.

Rosalie McLain [18 Jun]: What are ablutions? I'm getting so excited about the upcoming WymFest 2000! Being able to see the amazing composting toilets all set up on the green awaiting the big event will only heighten everyone's excitement I'm sure. Have the Inca Gods arrived yet?

The Management [18 Jun]: Ablutions are what Americans use the bathrooms for and what the Brits do in the toilet.

Rosalie McLain [18 Jun]: Do Inca Gods have ablutions?

The Management [21 Jun]: Oh yes, ablutions are universal.

Coun. Biggs [22 Jun]: Re composting toilets, after a discussion with Prof. Tripp, he advises that the management should give further consideration to composting toilets. They are, according to the Prof, low volume devices which require a dressing of earth, or some such dry material after every visit regardless of the type of use and also a periodic dressing of some fresh organic material to aid decomposition by promoting the appropriate bacterial action. These conditions are unlikely to be met under festival activities and these toilets will most likely become containers of highly obnoxious waste, requiring the employment of sanitary specialists at considerable cost to the village. If the above is the case then I must sincerely apologise for my earlier endorsements of the use of composting toilets. I hope this will be of some use to the Management and their deliberations.

The Management [23 Jun]: Have no fear! Professor Trap is behind the times. I an assured by Tomatoshoe Travelling Facilities that recent advances in high volume, high density, portable composting toilets has to be seen to be believed.

Paula Trimble [23 Jun]: Biggs brings up a valid point, and I implore Management to take his advise more seriously. After all, Tomatoshoe has a vested interest in our decision to use their facilities.

Granny Turnipseed [23 Jun]: Yep, yep -- I cain sees it now. The whole mess is gwain to burst out in flames and the entire Village could burn to the ground if them thar composting piles aint handled jest right. I done seed it happened one summer when Grandpa tried composting out by the garden.

Rosalie McLain [23 Jun]: Oh dear! Oh dear! Please don't let our beautiful village burn to the ground!

Irene de Mandible [25 Jun]: When IS WymFest 2000?

The Management [25 Jun]: WymFest 2000 takes place, as usual, over the weekend of August 11th - 13th. The grand opening will take place at 7.00pm BST. World-wide coverage will be carried by Wymsey Community Radio Online as well as by UWAT FM. The celebrity opening WymFest will be chosen in the Grand Celebrity Draw on July 4th. Feel free to nominate a celebrity - the winner will be chosen using ESI's Randomatic software.

Lower Breeches.F.C. [29 Jun]: To Wymsey Management: Sirs/Ladies, As the committee for the festival in Lower Breeches your neighbouring village it may be advisable if we arranged a meeting in the near future. We are having a festival one week prior to Wymsey and we are also having a dancing elephant which we intend to turn into an elephant roast on the last evening. We had this speciality last year and it was very successful, this year we shall not roast the trunk as it was eating the buns faster than the purchasers. Some spiritual thing I suppose ,most likely a subject for Rosalie Mc Lain. As there is unlikely to be many dancing elephants about these days I think we should make sure the supplier hasn't double booked by mistake. If so you may end up with a bag of bones, the villages of Lower Breeches are a greedy lot. All success with your festival L.B.F.C.

The Management [29 Jun]: There seems to be some confusion here. We are Wymsey in the County of Lympshire and our neighbouring villages are Martingdale, Upper Farthingdale, Lower Farthingdale and Farthingdale Abbas. We are approximately 10 miles from the county town of Watchester. There is no village called Lower Britches in the county of Lympshire. We are afraid that you have the wrong Wymsey. See the Wymsey FAQ for further information.

Lower Breeches F.C. [30 Jun]: We have noticed with much humour the predilection of the Management of Wymsey in denying everything that seems to encroach upon their domain of Wymsey. Names, peoples titles, people's academic qualifications, authority, ability, residential status. We think there some kind of insecurity problem here and they should consult an appropriate specialist in these matters of which we am sure Wymsey has the finest.

Management's next ploy will be to criticise our spelling and grammar, the defence of an uncreative child with low ability and high esteem. However we would think that your most pressing consideration should be, not have we got the wrong village, but the right elephant. L.B.F.C.

The Management [30 Jun]: Have no fear on the elephant, Bertie Transom's are the best. Of course we are not going to be critical about your grammar any more than we would make comments about your paranoia or map reading abilities. We believe in equal opportunities, even for the geographically challenged, but also factual accuracy.

Rosalie McLain [01 Jul]: Testy, are we? I think we should all take a deep breath and say a little prayer.

CR American [01 Jul]: I say we all stand up and sing the Star Spangled Banner!

Leslie Smith [01 Jul]: I thinks we should all sing the Stain Stippled Banger.

Audrey weeks [09 Jul]: Hello Wymsey, I've been reading this board for some time , heavens above I've had a good laugh about them composters. Used them myself about four years ago, perishing firm told me they would work wonders. Hell they did. I've got ten acres of land in Southwold, my hubby gave it to me, part of Week Farm land. Maintain it for rallies- galas festivals etc,. makes a few pounds for Xmas. I use flush toilets now, the real thing ,hot and cold, cleaned every hour, emptied every day.

Compost toilets? Phew! no thanks, couldn't keep down the midges, millions of them, tried everything, candles, sprays, mosi coils, waste of time, they was keeping the people away with disastrous result, quite unapproachable some of them became, what a pen and ink.

Leslie Smith [09 Jul]: I smells a friend of old Bigsey I does. Ain't no point in getting composting toilets if you ain't prepared to get trained in them first. I knows I did and they ain't no flys on me.

Leslie Smith [09 Jul]: Tee Hee! I's been at sle elderberry wine alsh dsy lon, I av. That Awfry Wigs shesh ddarn barmy she ish.

Surf [10 Jul]: Leslie, may I call you me old mate, what's the chance of a few bottles of the good stuff. Probably get you a good price if there's a bob or two in it for me. You are probable right about Biggs and Audrey they do know each other, but they are genuine for all that and Audrey ain't no fool. No offence but don't be to critical of them especially Audrey, most friendly and pleasant woman in the world. Heart of gold but rub her up the wrong way and you could end up with you head on a silver dish and an apple in your mouth. I repeat no offence, take a tip from me you could do yourself a bit of good keeping on the right of Audrey. As to the Management, yes Audrey likes to be outspoken but she's a puritan within.

Granny Turnipseed [10 Jul]: Well, me hienie ain't ne'r bean on one of dem composting loos yet. Lawd Lawd Hogman -- ye may not have enny flies on yer old coot, but ye pigs shore do! I wuz over at yer holdin te pick up me ears, tails and feets from yer old lady this morning and I aint ne'r seen the likes of flies buzzing round dat place. Darn near made me sick!

Pookah's Travel Service [10 Jul]: Readyseat

Audrey Weeks [10 Jul]: Been reading what that idiot Surf's been writing, he wants to go back to that rest home. Yes I knew Biggs, but that wasn't his name then, it was Colin Potts electrician on the night shift at the Pie and Sausage factory. By the way Wymsey look at the fine print on that compost toilet contract you may be responsible for all incidents while they are on your property.

Leslie Smith [10 Jul]: Pookah me dear I was thinking about you only yesterday, I was wondering how the travel business was going. Got me name down for one of them Ready Seats - ain't it a marvel what they comes up with, free as well. I'm looking forward to playing with it of a cold winter's evening. I sees that Audrey is back again, she a darn coarse body. It may go down in Daventry but it ain't expected in Exeter is what I says.

Betsy Gregory [10 Aug]: Why are all those composting toilets leaking out into the Bit Stream? I thought they were leak-proof!

The Management [11 Aug]: Betsy Gregory, you tread dangerously when you make such allegations. Armitage P Shanks likes nothing better than a good libel case.

Betsy Gregory [18 Aug]: I tread where I will, Management. I stand by my claim! Armitage Shark must do what he must, but first he must explain the horrible stench that's coming from beneath me house where the navigation has overflowed. My place is located on the banks of the navigation, just south of where the leaking composting toilets were installed.

The Management [19 Aug]: We took a walk along the Navigation only this morning and there is no evidence to suggest that it has overflowed it's banks. The water level was a ten inches below the towpath. We think that you should get your drains looked at. Or maybe your house is built on a bog, there's plenty of those hereabouts.