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The Archive, May 1999


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NoNomes Romp Home: The face of Wymsey politics will never be the same after last week's election in which the NoNomesNohow, sic won all the seats that it contested on a "No Tack in 2000" platform. NNN now holds ten of the twelve seats on the Parish Council with New Labour and the Old revivalists each gaining one seat. The Wymsey electorate used the occasion to wipe the floor with the Old Tory Party and then dusted down with the Wymsey Workers and the Old Comrades parties. Gordon deStompe, spokesman for NNN, told the Chronicle, "We're over the moon - first we win all three seats in the by-election and now we have cleaned up and it's our intention to do the same with that dam Millennium Gnome. After that we fully intend to bring to the people of Wymsey what they want rather than the whims of some megalomaniac in shiny new suit." The latter is a reference to ex-Councilor Julius Blaah who foisted the gnome on Wymsey and now has more time to consider his future.

Ex-Councilor Blaah was unavailable for comment and is believed to be on holiday in Belgium.


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MC Mike Make Over:
UWAT FM DJ MC Mike last week decided to take drastic action after being continually mistaken for American film director Woody Allen. His management company, Bingle Bangle Productions called in image consultants V M Zorastro. "We decided to go for an image that in no way could be compared to Mr Allen and which would also reflect Mr Mike's standing in the world of broadcasting," Commented Adrian Zorastro of VMZ.

The controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) and seems unlikely to end with MC Mike's make over. Professor Bee pointed out that MC Mike bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen. (See past issues for the whole saga.)

mc mike Woody Allen

The Chronicle says: It's safe to say that MC Mike no longer looks like Woody Allen but he does remind us of someone or other.

What do you think?

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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Well, that's the Parish Election over and good riddance I say, what with all that speechifying and door knocking it was all a bit too much for me. Not that I begrudge anyone - far from it, just you ask Vera Snodging. Talking of which, the poor old dear nearly got trampled to death on Thursday when she went to vote. Vera had to beat a path to the Crown & Thorns for a swift pint of brandy and being a gent I couldn't let her go alone. Turns out she went to vote at the same time as the Seniors Lunch Club - sponsored by Dah Dits Cough Drops (Purveyors of Soothing Nostrums to the Gentry since 1903).

Now's the time to get weeding those salad seedlings - watch out for hail storms, we've had three this week. You should be picking your first radishes by now - I know I am. 'Tis a good time to take out a trench for those courgette thingeys and get some compost in there but don't put out the plants for another week. Slugs are a blooming pain at the moment, we've just bought a gross of common toadlings which should do the trick - if not we'll be looking for more hedgehogs.


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Wymsey 564788


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Trade War to Hit Wymsey? President Clinton, of the USA, this week turned away from the skirmish in the Balkans to give his attention to the serious business of bananas and was shocked to find that we over here are busy eating as many Caribbean bananas as we can get our hands on. Mr Clinton was not happy with what he saw, "Right, let's talk serious here you guys," Clinton said to his trade war advisors, " we're gonna turn that green light to red. Where shall we strike?" He was advised to stop pussy-footing and hit Europe where it would really hurt. "What about the Brits?" he asked the experts. "Go for the jugular." replied a particularly hawkish commodities broker. "Couldn't we just go for the throat?" Suggested a whimpy Whitehouse advisor.

So it was decided to ban the import of British cough drops. Mrs. Sienna Grapleworth, public relations officer for Dah Dits Cough Drops who are based at the Acorn Rural Industrial Park, told the Chronicle, "Our products are very popular with senior citizens and small children. If you ask me there is something rotten in the state of Denmark" (We think she means the USA but seems to have a literary bent.) She added that once again it was the vulnerable that had to pay for power politics. "If you live in America and have a cough then effective, traditional, relief will be hard to come by. The Chronicle advises it's American readers to stock up on Dah Dits now and beat the ban."


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Report leads to raid: Last week's report concerning the infiltration of the Wymsey Workers Party by the security forces led to a dawn raid on the Chronicle offices last Monday morning by four men in dark glasses and navy blue suits. Being dawn, they had to wait 4 hours until the arrival of staff, They were enigmatic, lacked a warrant and removed 350 unused floppy discs in a cardboard box given them by the canteen manageress. Before they left we were told not to mention M15, M16, Special Branch, the CIA or FBI.spy We were also told not to go to surfing the web for sites relating to rouge ex-spy Richard Tomlinson and not to even mention him. Referring back to the Wymsey Workers Party Incident, we are now able to publish a photograph of one the undercover agents but are unwilling to name him at this stage. My mum says: "You be careful, you aren't dealing with the likes of that nice Woody Allen you know."

The Wymsey Chronicle - the paper that goes where no one else bothers.

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banana add

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Wymsey Liberty Dems Not Downhearted: The party that carries the great Whig heritage is now one that cares about the small things (like dead street lamps, cracks in the pavement and hedgehogs) and whose slogan is "Look after the small things and the big things will look after themselves." was not despondent after it's showing in the Parish Election last week. "We increased our percentile and, on the doorstep, people said nice things to us." Sally Rice-Davies told our reporter. The turnout for the election was 83% and the WLD had 4.5%

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