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the Archives : April - May 1999






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Councilor Released Unharmed
Councilor Julius Blaah was released by police into the custody of his family this week pending further investigation. He has since gone into hiding, or as his solicitor put it "on holiday", we can reveal that he is staying with business friends in Belgium.
When we asked Watchester police for information a spokesman said, "Are you the owner of that car, Sir."

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Wymsey Players Celebrate Shakespeare's Birthday:
This week sees the 435th birthday of William Shakespeare and to mark the occasion the Wymsey Players are holding a birthday party in the Village Hall, dress for the occasion will based on characters from the plays. Mrs Lamport will be baking a birthday cake and the Players will perform excerpts from Macbeth and King Lear. Tickets, which cost 5 and include a cold buffet, can be purchased from the Secretary, Bonnie Vimtoe, on Wymsey 362089.

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Need a Stamp?
why not visit Wymsey
Post Office

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Woody Allen Writes to Chronicle:
The well known American film producer, Woody Allen, this week wrote to the Chronicle saying, " Will you please stop mentioning my name in conjunction with MC Mike and Ilkley More (whoever they are). I am out of therapy now and I don't need this, so get off my case."

The controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) and seems unlikely to end with Mr Allen's statement.

MC Mike 1 Woody Allen MC Mike 2
Professor Bee pointed out that MC Mike, aka Ilkley Moore, bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen.

What do you think?

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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Well, that's Easter over and good riddance I say, what with the egg hunt and the tofu hunt it was all a bit too much for me. Not that I begrudge anyone - far from it, just you ask Vera Snodging. Talking of which, the poor old dear nearly got trampled to death on Easter Monday by the Leader of the Pack as he reversed his horse in the lane outside my cottage gate. His mount was obviously upset but what he lost my roses gained. Can't be bad. Vera had to beat a path to the Crown & Thorns for a swift pint of brandy and being a gent I couldn't let her go alone.

Now's the time to get those salad seeds in, put out your cloches a week before you sow. How are your chickens laying? Increased daylight should be bringing you more eggs - a bit of yellow food colouring will improve the look of your yolks no end, we use tartrazine. Watch out for foxes.

The hedgerows in the lane are looking grand right now, white with blackthorn atop and a mess of tractor treads below - it's Snorter Smith's formula one Fergie that does it, something to do with the steering linkage he says - bad driving I say.


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Late Breaking: Blaah Held - Again Councilor Julius Blaah was last night being questioned by Belgian police. A police spokes woman told the Chronicle, "We are pursuing a number different issues all of which are very delicate at this time, what we can say is that they are all related to the Walloon Underground.. We can also confirm that a man answering Councilor Blaah's description is helping us with our inquiries."
The Chronicle has learnt that Councilor Blaah has substantial holdings in Belgian transport which was recently privatised (we wonder where the money came from). The Chronicle says, "What is it with this man? Every time he puts his hands into something they come out muddy - does this man deserve a place in the European Parliament?

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Election Fever Hits Wymsey: This Thursday will see Wymsonians rushing to perform their democratic duties amidst a veritable forest of elections, candidates and voting slips. The populace get to elect councilors for the Parish Council, one third of Watchester District Council, a third of Lympshire County Council and the regional member of the European Parliament. There are twenty five candidates for the twelve member Parish Council as follows:

3Old Tory Party
3New Labour Party
3Newish Old Lib Dem
10 No Nomes Nohow, Sic Party
1Nat. Cycle Party
1Wymsey Workers Party
2Old Revival Party
2Old Comrades Party

Friends of Wymsey will be pleased to note that Councilor Julius Blaah has decided, subsequent to release from custody in Belgium without charge, (see past issues of the Chronicle) not to stand for the Parish as he expects to be elected to the European Parliament (The Chronicle says: Dream on, Chum, dream on.)

There are ten candidates for the District Council, six for the County Council and five for the European Parliament. Commentators are suggesting that electors will succumb to IDOS (InDecisiveness Overload Syndrome) and stay away from the ballot box in droves. We believe that this will not happen in Wymsey where everyone loves a good vote.


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Old Comrades: Red Bear in Sheep's Clothing? The old Comrades Party claims to have expunged Stalinist attitudes in what was once the Communist Party of Greater Wymsey but a quick glance at their election address would suggest otherwise. (The Chronicle can - at great risk - reveal that at least two of it's four members are Special Branch officers working - oops, were working - undercover. We have no idea who the other two are.

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get your dog done at
Pam's Poodle Parlour
Wymsey 799111


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Wymsey Proves Canadian Wrong:
In the first mass experiment of it's kind, the adult population of Wymsey this week took the DENSA tests. The results were as follows:-
0% = 97 persons
1% = 100 persons
2% = 112 persons
3% = 188 persons
4% = 66 persons
5% = 15 persons
Scores greater than 0% can, in the main, be explained by cultural differences as these tests originated in the USA. (Twenty seven people were unavailable to take the test.)

These tests prove conclusively that Canadian Professor David Ganglion was talking nonsense and needs an early night (see our previous item on sleep deprivation.


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Rotundians to Celebrate St George:
This year the Wymsey Rotundians will be celebrating St Georges Day, April 23rd on Saturday, April 24th. There will be the traditional Driving Out of the Dragon From the Parish by Men on Horseback who will kick off sharply at 10am from St Duvet & All Angels after the horses and men are blessed by the Rev. They will be followed by the Navigation Morris Men led by the Fool after which the children and women folk may follow. Please remember to bring bells, clappers, drums and whistles to frighten the dragons.

It is expected that the six mile walk around the Parish boundary will take about three hours after which there will dancing and goings-on on the village green.

I am informed that Sam Toogood, land lord of the Crown & Thorns has been busy brewing the traditional St.Georges Strongo Bitter. Sam will also be providing the traditional St Georges Leek and Apple pie plus lashings of ginger bear for the kiddies.


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Blaah Blaah Black Sheep? Continued: Watchester City Council this week refused to give any information concerning the ongoing investigations into the lack of planning permission for the Millennium Gnome (for all the details see previous issues of the Chronicle. No Nomes Nohow, sic spokes person, Gordon deStompe, said, "This is all coming to a head, take my word for it."

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banana add

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Jumping Gypsum Turns Up: A consignment of genetically modified gypsum which disappeared from a broken down lorry on the hard shoulder of the Watchester Bypass was this week found dumped in the car park of Montantrum Bionics labs in Basingstoke. Local police are mystified as to the motive but Ethel M Nail of the Wymsey Vegetarians told us, "What goes around comes around, it's back where it belongs." Mrs Nails said that she would not like to hazard a guess as to how it got there. We understand that she has been visited by Watchester CID. She also told us that she was sure that her phone was being tapped, "It has suddenly become very reliable, which I naturally find suspicious."

Contact Mrs Ethel Nail of the Wymsey Vegetarians on Wymsey 362089 for more information or email the Nails at email@wymveg.co.uk.


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Old Revivalists Deny Being Single Issue Party:
Seventy five year old Betty Spruceling yesterday denied that the ORP was standing in the Parish Election on a single issue platform. "We've got loads of platforms, dearie," she told the our reporter, "but as all our members are OAPs then it stands to reason that the ORP's primary concern is the revival of the Old Revivalists." Pressed to give examples Mrs Sprucing said, "You'll have to speak to my hubby about that, dearie, I'm off to the Seniors' Bingo & Tea Dance."

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Old Tories Put on Brave Face: Old Tory Party election funds were swollen last week when a showing of the Oscar winning hit film "Brave Face" took place in the Parish Hall. The film, which follows the trials and tribulations of Anglo Saxon hero Halfheart the Red, went down very well and well over 37 was raised.

With only three candidates in the Parish election, the Old Tory Party has no hope in hell of running the Council and quite possibly will not even gain a seat.


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Woody Allen's Lawyer Writes to Chronicle:
Justin Lockheed Junior, lawyer to the well known American film producer, actor, jazz player and ex stand-up comedian, Woody Allen, this week wrote to the Chronicle saying, "My client is extremely unhappy and this is your final warning. Will you please stop mentioning Mr Allen's name in your dubious publication - not withstanding and without prejudice. It is only fair to inform you that any persistence on your part, or on the part of any person or persons associated with the Wymsey Chronicle, will cause us to act." The Chronicle says, "We think they mean it this time."

The controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) and seems unlikely to end with Mr Allen's statement. (See past issues for the whole saga.)


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Shakespeare's Birthday Ends in Brawl:
William Shakespeare's 435th birthday party in the Parish Hall ended in uproar last Friday evening. Freddy Hollings (dressed as Macbeth) hit Joslin Frackworthy (done up as Shylock) over the head. According to Maureen Hollings (dressed as Lady Macbeth), Frackworthy was angling to get the Parish Council to give him Holling's allotment - she later attempted to wash her hands of the whole incident whilst Hollings subsequently had trouble sleeping. After order was restored all three were seen dancing around the campfire of the No Nomes Protest Camp and singing "Auld Lange Synge" rather drunkenly.

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