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the Archives - March - April 1999




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MC Mike Threatens Action: UWAT FM DJ MC Mike was livid when we spoke to him this week. "I am livid," he said, " I am sick and tired of being compared to Woody Allen and will sue someone soon." The controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) and seems unlike to end with MC Mike's statement.

MC Mike 1 Woody Allen MC Mike 2
Professor Bee pointed out that MC Mike, aka Ilkley Moore, bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen.

What do you think?

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Beard Ban Leads to Boycott: Danish timber firm, IKIER, ickierwhose new superstore opens in Watchester next week have announced that they will not be allowing men with beards into the store. A spokesman told the Chronicle, "We have limited parking at our new site and this seemed a good way to avoid overcrowding." The Wymsey Chapter of the BLF (Beard Liberation Front) is organising a boycott of the store, their spokesman, Billy 'the Goat' Sampson told us, "This is a thing too far, I blame Blaah and his gang of squeaky clean media-mad smoothies."

The Chronicle says: "Come off it Sven, we don't want your plywood boxes anyway.


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MC Mike Retreats:
UWAT FM DJ MC Mike was remorseful when we spoke to him this week, "I'm full of remorse," he said, "It was one of those days and I guess I blew it. What the hell, I don't really care who looks like me."

The controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) and seems unlikely to end with MC Mike's statement.

MC Mike 1 Woody Allen MC Mike 2
Professor Bee pointed out that MC Mike, aka Ilkley Moore, bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen.

What do you think?

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Down Our Lane
with Sam
Easter! A fertile time in the village as nature rampantly thrusts herself all over the place. This morning, as I leant on my garden gate talking to Vera Snodging I was amazed to hear a pair of tofus calling to each other at the bottom of the orchard. This bodes well for the Easter Monday tofu hunt which is the first of the season.

As usual we have rabbit trouble in Wymsey, the little beggars are everywhere - I found a pair of them under a flowerpot in the potting shed so it's rabbit hotpot for me tonight.

Don't forget to get those early potatoes in this weekend, if you are short of compost then line the trench with newspapers (broadsheets are best - I use the Guardian which has high moisture retention capabilities). By now you should have that greenhouse working hard for you, give it plenty of ventilation in the day but close it up at night - the same goes for your coldframes.

If you didn't find an Easter egg at the bottom of your garden perhaps you should consider creating a fairy-friendly corner - it worked for us.


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Late Breaking: Councilor Julius Blaah was last night being questioned by Watchester CID. A police spokeswoman told the Chronicle, "We are pursuing a number different issues all of which are very delicate at this time. We can confirm that a man answering Councilor Blaah's description is helping us with our inquiries."

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Wymsey Drinks to Plucky Brit:
balloon There was joyous uproar in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns as news came in that British balloonist Brian Jones had circumnavigated the planet in the balloon Breitling Orbiter in the company of Bertrand Piccard.

As Gordon deStompe put it, "Thank goodness it wasn't that useless train driver Richard Branson."


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Stirred but not Shaken: Amidst emotional scenes and much rejoicing Department of the Environment Inspector General Sir Michael 'Mitch' Standish threw out plans for a Chinese takeaway ( see Chinese at the Bottom of the Garden?). Major General Barking-Barking was tearfully jubilant, "Now I can get back to my cacti." he told the Chronicle.

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Branson Pickle:
We have been asked by Mr Richard Branson to inform readers that he does not drive a train but that he owns a very big train set Virgin Brides (we would be horrified if we were to embarrass Mr Branson). Mr Branson is a modern day hero who will do anything for a laugh (sorry that should read profit), here he is launching Virgin Brides for which shaved off his beard.


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Deluded Dump on Blaah: Members of the No Nomes Nohow, sic this week hit back at Councilor Blaah by using his front garden to dispose of rubbish from the Protest Camp. Spokesperson, Gordon deStompe, said, "He said we were deluded so you can tell him we thought that this was the Recycling Centre." Councilor Blaah was not available for comment - we understand that he is on a fact finding mission in Belgium as a guest of the Wassengbanger Town Council.

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Wymsonians Deficient?
Research by Canadian Professor David Ganglion of the University of Manitoba (UMAN), who is on secondment to the University of Watchester (UWAT), has left late-nighters in Wymsey gaping. Professor Ganglion is a world expert on sleep deprivation and his latest research suggests that for each hour less than eight hours sleep we lose one IQ point. This can lead to a person with an average IQ of 100 on Sunday being borderline retarded by Saturday night.

canada/banana flag

Drinkers in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns were not impressed by this news and the reaction of Leslie Smith was typical, "You what, sunshine."

The Chronicle says: At least we don't run around in check shirts and furry boots whilst chopping down trees and square dancing."


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Planners Question Gnome : In response to a question from Parish Councilor, Gordon deStompe, a spokesperson for the Watchester District Panning Department indicated that so far no planning application had been lodged for the erection of the millennium gnome and that it was hardly likely that permission would be given at this late stage.
A jubilant deStompe told us, "I'm over the moon man, this could be one in the eye for Blaah. I knew the question of planning permission had not come up at Parish Council meetings so I was pretty sure that Blaah had boobed." (See past issues for the full gnome story.)

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Montantrum not Mollified: Montantrum Bionics were this week in combative mood when they launched their latest product at the Watchester Market. JP Gypsum© is the first genetically modified mineral fertiliser to become available to the farming community, the product is a range of plant specific fertilisers. Already labeled 'Jumping Gypsum' this latest product is bound to raise hackles amongst environmentalists, indeed Bertram B Nails of the Wymsey Vegetarians is already fuming, "This is craziness gone mad," he fumed, "it's herbal cleansing that's what it is. I can tell you I'm fuming." The products were passed by the FDA ("we let them do the testing, it's quicker") as safe for use outside of the USA where it was developed.

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Tofu for Tory Toffs?
This weekend sees the start of the tofu season with the district's first hunt on Easter Monday and once again it is embroiled in controversy. Bertram B Nails of the Wymsey Vegetarians told the Chronicle, "This a particularly debased and cruel activity and has no place in a civilised society. What we have here is rampant sadism on horseback."

Leader of the Pack, Major General Barking-Barking, commented, "Dammit man, the County has been tofu hunting for over a thousand years and we won't stop now just to please a load of dirty out of work vegetarians. They get my dam goat they really do. Have another glass of port dear boy."


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Blaah Blaah Black Sheep? It was a grim faced Julius Blaah who this week opened his front door to an official deputation from the Planning Department at County Hall. Jeering members of the < A HREF="nomes.htm" onMouseOver="window.status='No Nomes Nohow, sic';return true" onMouseOut="window.status='';return true">No Nomes Nohow, sic looked on as Councilor Blaah quickly donned coat and yellow hard-hat before being whisked off in a white council van. Spokesperson, Gordon deStompe, said, "We're on to a winner here."


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Jumping Gypsum Falls Off Back Of Lorry: A consignment of genetically modified gypsum has disappeared from a broken down lorry on the hard shoulder of the Watchester Bypass. Local police are mystified as to the motive but Ethel M Nail of the Wymsey Vegetarians told us, "We are in a highly dangerous situation here, there's no telling what might happen. All we need now is for some of that genetically modified maize to turn up or disappear and we really will be in the soup."

A spokesperson for Montantrum Bionics told the Chronicle, "It's nothing to do with us mate, we paid for door-to-door delivery. Look I have to go the wife and kids are waiting in the car, we're off to Spain." When asked if it was a holiday he said, "No mate, we're out of here for good."

Contact Mrs Ethel Nail of the Wymsey Vegetarians on Wymsey 362089 for more information or email the Nails at enail@wymveg.co.uk.


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Wymsonians Not Deficient but Angry
Following our item about Canadian Professor David Ganglion of UMAN, who is on secondment to UWAT, the people of Wymsey are threatening to boycott Adult Evening Classes . Professor Ganglion implied that, come Saturday night, we were all two arrows short of a quiver.

Dr Peter Synsis, CEO UWAT, pointed out that no one from Wymsey had attended classes at the University for the past six years. Which just goes to show how bright the villagers are.


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Furniture Store Upset:
Swedish mass furniture warehouse firm, IKEA, ickierwere very upset when they contacted the Chronicle office this week. "That's our logo." they said. "Oh no it's not," we said, "that's IKIER the timber yard people."ikea"Get it off." they told us to which we replied, "No way, Sven."
As anyone can see, the logos are totally dissimilar.

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Visiting Pastor Arrested: After passing through Wymsey on his "Hug the World for Jesus" world tour, the Rev. Fester B.Spuu, pastor of The Church of Briarhop Corners, Ohio USA was arrested on the Watchester bypass. It transpires that Spuu, aged 73, was spotted shoplifting at the Wymsey Post Office and when searched was found to have an unpaid for 'Sorry I Forgot' late birthday card on his person. "It was for my little great granddaughter, Luenella, who was three on Tuesday." Spuu is being looked after by the US Consul in Watchester.

The Chronicle has discovered that the Rev Spuu was ordained in the First Church of the Second Coming of Arkansas which he himself founded.


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