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the Archives - March 1999

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Who's Bananas?
There was uproar in Watchester Market this week at the outrageous behaviour of the Whitehouse Brothers, not content with selling over 60 per cent of the bananas bananas sold in the market they were claiming foul play by the tiny stall owned by the plucky Windward family whose business represents around 1 per cent of banana sales.

The Whitehouse Brothers are claiming that the Windwards have an unfair advantage because the hire of their stall is 10 per cent cheaper than the Whitehouses' fee. (The Windwards' stall is 10 x 6 feet whilst Whithouses' is 30 x 6 feet.) bananas William Whitehouse told the Chronicle, "This is merely a question of a level playing field not one of morality. If this is allowed to continue we could see the end of free trade so we have to take action." Asked what form this action would take William Whitehouse replied, "For a start we won't be buying anymore Scotch Whisky or cashmere clothes." Was his company using bullyboy tactics? "We resent that remark and our lawyers are already looking at it." replied Mr Whitehouse.

Samantha Windward was angry but determined when we spoke to her, "Those Whitehouse Brothers have a finger in every pie in every kitchen in the County. We are not taking this lying down, at some point we all have to stand up to bullies unless we want to wake up in a world run by fascist thugs." (Readers can find out more about bananas at .)

The Chronicle Says: The Windwards bananas are tastier, curvier, an appealing size and, overall, sexier.

Dither Wedding Mystery: Where was Rampling Dan Dither in August 1992? Dan DitherChronicle reader, PJ Froll, claims that he was at her wedding in Watchester. "I'm sure that it was him." Ms Froll told staff reporter, Charlie Stebbings.

We tried to contact Rampling Dan at his Wymsey home but Dither's manservant informed the Chronicle that his employer was holidaying in Belgium with Julia St Carlton Es Premier.

Rampling Dan's record company, Dither Digital, told us - off the record - that Dan was here, there and everywhere during most of the eighties. Did you see Rampling Dan Dither during August 1992? If so, the Chronicle wants to know - where was he, where were you? Let us know - there could be a prize in this.

Protest Camp Grows: Organisers of the Wymsey Millennium Gnome Protest Camp were quietly pleased this week as the 100th tent was pitched on the Green. No Nomes Nohow, sic bigwig Gordon deStompe told the Chronicle, "Things are going very well, Dunkin Drains & Portaloos have supplied our toilet facilities free of charge, Festival Foods have set up an organic cafe and the police are no worse than usual. With the parish elections coming up on Thursday we are very busy mustering our forces and fully intend to win all three seats." For all the latest on the campaign visit the NNN web site at the official campaign site.

Asked for his comments, Council leader, Julius Blaah told us, " These poor people are being deluded by a triumphate of oddballs. I'm sure all those people on the Green mean well but they just have not listened to reason. We will have our Millennium Statement come what may."


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Pam's Poodle Parlour
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Professor Suspects Music Police Activity in Wymsey: American academic and editor of The Tudor Times, Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC) this week contacted the Chronicle over her concern that music has disappeared in Wymsey. "I really liked that tune, whatever it was. I thought maybe my sound was off, but that does not seem to be it. I know that there was a bit of controversy about the background music on the BBC. Are the background music police now everywhere, even in Wymsey? " She stated.

We repeatedly attempted to contact the WebSpin Management Contortium, the NGO with responsibility for Wymsey, but our requests for a statement were turned down (the Contortium is embroiled once again after it's chief spin doctor, Clive Clerke, aka, Susie Simkins swore on UWAT FM's family show, "Girder Bridge of the Week"). We also tried to make contact with MI8 "Press one for MI8, Press two for today's scale, Press three for today's reading from Kafka, Press four for one."

One And The Same? Asks Prof Bee

MC Mike 1 Woody Allen MC Mike 2

Professor Bee also pointed out that MC Mike, aka Ilkley Moore, bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen. We contacted Mike/Ilkley who was surprised that anyone might confuse him with Mr Allen.

What do you think?
First Sleep Arrive at Orphanage : On Thursday Mrs Ethel M Nails of the Wymsey Vegetarians informed the Chronicle Sheepthat land had been found for the Wymsey Sheep Home at Wymsey Bottom Farm through the kind offices of farmer Charlie Stebbings. "We are very grateful to Mr Stebbings and, in return, our sheep will fertilise his fields. Our first two orphans, who moved in this morning, were found wandering south on the Seven Bridge last night and as members of SheepWatch UK we were able to move swiftly.

Wymsey Chronicle
Blaah for Europe?
EU FlagRumours were rife this week that arch Europhobe, Julius Blaah was clearing his desk in order to run as a candidate for the anti-Europe cranky fringe political grouping, the Dover For England Party. Denial being the order of the day we can only speculate but for a member of the Old Fogey faction of a Tory party intent on building a compost heap it would seem a logical move.

Wymsey FlagFeelings in Wymsey are mixed, as a pavement straw poll outside the Chronicle office revealed. Julius Blaah ensconced in Brussels appealed to many but for Europhiles the thought was painful.

By election Results - No Shocks: All three NNN candidates romped home unopposed in the Wymsey Parish Council by elections. NNN Spokesman, Gordon deStompe told the Chronicle, "We are very pleased at the result, the turnout was a massive 48 %, 47% & 49% which makes it the highest ever for a parish election. These results are an obvious embarrassment to Councilor Blaah but we warned him it was coming. Now, at last, the people of Wymsey will have an effective voice in village matters. Our next target is the awful Millennium Statement which we intend to ensure never gets off the ground."

Wymsey 362089

Blaah Keeps Mum on Genes: Asked to comment on reports in the press (see below) that he had been accidentally genetically modified whilst a guest of Montantrum at the BEASTs testing grounds, Councilor Julius Blaah refused to comment on specifics. "If I took everything seriously that I see in your newspaper I would have cracked up years ago." An interesting statement from the man who brought Wymsey the Millennium Gnome.
Visiting Pastor Castigates Wymsey: Passing through Wymsey on his "Hug the World for Jesus" world tour this week, the Rev. Fester B.Spuu, pastor of The Church of Briarhop Corners, Ohio USA issued the following statement. "... those of us concerned over the proliferation of salacious and obscene material are very disturbed over the recent direction of the Wymsey News particular may i call your attention to a current item on your page showing, sic, what appears to be a woman in a near-embrace with a giant phallus-like cactus plant...... We hope you will re-evaluate your new policy of exploiting cheap sexual themes in your otherwise-excellent news pages." The Chronicle says, "Come off it Rev - let's not start casting stones - particularly from Briarhop, Ohio.
Has Blaah Been Knobbled?: Evidence began to emerge this week that Councilor Julius Blaah was accidentally genetically modified whilst visiting the Basingstoke Experimental Agricultural Seeding Trials (BEASTS) as the guest of Montantrum Inc.

The Blaah genogram section (above) arrived at this office on Wednesday in a plain brown envelope posted from UIC, (University of Inner Colorado, America. Blaah at BEASTs We consulted Professor Michael Field of the Earth Ecology Unit at UWAT (University of Watchester) who told us, "I'm no great shakes in this area but this is genuine and a mystery. I think the owner if this DNA should be watched."

A Spooksperson for Montantrum told the Chronicle, "This is science fiction and not our field."

No Genetics For Wymsey: Wymsey Parish Council announced this week that Wymsey was henceforth to be known as a Genetics Free Area (GFA) and no modifications would be permitted within the environs (older readers will remember the No Frames Issue and can conclude that the Council mean business). The only dissenting voice was Council Chairman, Julius Blaah. Wymsey Farmers' Association (WFA) Secretary, Percy Mercy, said that they agreed in principle but that market forces might force their hands. Bertram B Nails of the Wymsey Vegetarian Association (WVA) told the Chronicle that it was too late and that Genetically Modified Foods (GMFs) were coming in through the back door and it was too late to shut it. Julius Blaah denied he had be leaned on by Jakes Clayton, local representative of Montantrum Biotics Inc. (MBI) the company that recently applied to patent bread. "We talk often about food and food related topics and we may have mentioned GMFs in passing but that's about the limit of it." Councilor Blaah told us.
Fishing Dispute Hits Navigation: Wymsey Fishers were this week embroiled in a fishing rights dispute with WADAC (Watchester And District Anglers Club) over rights to fishing the Wymsey Navigation. WADAC, quoting a Tudor document in the archives of Watchester Cathedral, claim that rights to fisheries in the area were given to the freemen of Watchester by Bishop Henry de Clerke in 1545. A spokesman for Wymsey Fishers told us, "Wymsey has fished the Navigation and it's predecessor, the Wym, for over 300 years and we don't intend to stop now. It's the closed season (like the silly season in politics) and these guys have nothing better to do"

According to Wymsey Fishers the biggest fish caught last season was a 3 ounce golden carp (goldfish to you and me) which was landed the week after the Wymsey Fete.


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