The New Chronicle

May, 2006

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wild pony not at Tesco Not All Ponies
Shop At Tesco:

We are grateful to Mrs Norma Piles of The Larklets Rising, Joan of Arc Avenue, Lower Wymsey, for submitting her closely observed and sturdily rendered pony poem. Older readers will remember Mrs Piles painful exclusion from the Wymsey Poetry Club and the subsequent disarray that followed. Be that as it may, Norma Pile's poem is surely one that will stimulate.

Ponies Shop Too
In the wilds of Wales and Wymsey
Sturdy ponies do run free.
They breed, they sneeze and eat the roses
And yummy buds off lilac trees.

These ponies have a fatal history
Of being nicked for use in mines
And pulling little carts for children
When the weather's clear and fine.

The story is so rarely told
Of ponies bold and very newish.
There's a secret life of ponies
who are fuzzy, plump and brownish.



Try Trevor's Tack


Orchestral Crisis:
With only two months to go until the International Can Festival water can it was this week reported that the Wymsey Watering Can Orchestra was in crisis. Orchestra leader, Earshin Chumpley (brother of Gordon Chumpley who leads the Wymsey Male Pavement Formation Dance Team) told the Chronicle that, short of a miracle, Wymsey would not be represented at the Cans Festival this year.

water can "We urgently need skilled bass watering can players and at least two descant can players or we will sound very thin in the top registers. We are also short of a couple of 5 litre players for the cantinuo parts." Mr Chumpley told us. "Sadly, new players are just not coming through. Today's youth are not inspired by the same things as we were."

watering can If you think that you have what it takes to play the watering can to international standards and want to tour with other enthusiasts then contact Earshin Chumply via the Chronicle. Auditions for the Wymsey Watering Can Orchestra will take place during the last week of May.


Wymsey Renewables


Eurovision Song Contest:
How Much More?

The New Age Man - Gordon deStompe, leader of the State Council Distress and horror are just two threads of the immense ganglion of emotion and intellectual outrage that has permeated the corridors of the State Hall and the wider environs this week. No not mad chicken flu this time but Wymsey Cable's decision to carry the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest.

Agog with outrage State Council Chairperson, Gordon deStompe issued a statement which read, "I and my fellow councillors are agog with distress, horror and outrage. That such a thing should come to pass in Wymsey after all that we have fought for in the past. It's not as if we mind the music, not at all and, in fact, we are all rather keen on Iceland and Estonia. No, we can handle the music but no one in the environs can put up with Trevor Wontgo - he has driven us to drink in the past and it's a good job that we are all pacifists." Chairperson deStompe pointed out that Wymsey Cable's franchise came up for renewal shortly and ought to provide the Company with food for thought.

It took local pig breeder and ladies man, Les Smith, to point out that after digging up every road, lane and footpath in Wymsey not one person had signed up for a Wymsey Cable package because, thanks to the Contortium, everyone already was connected up.



News From Southamlet:
with Celina S Fontworthy

Celina S Fontworthy & friend We are extremely sorry to say that Ms Fontworthy was hospitalised after an altercation with an oversized baby buggy on a number 17A last week.

I am sure readers will wish her a speedy recovery and not a few will, I am sure, pray for the good lady. We sincerely hope that she has recovered and is in good heart before we put the next edition to bed.


Forgone Conclusion
OK - Mostly:

Shirley Pebble Unlike other places we might mention but won't, the current administration is very popular as was shown by last Thursday's State election. The results hardly caused a stir in the environs when, as widely expected, the NNN were returned once again with a stunning majority. Rumours of a last minute rally by the Wymsey Old Tories turned out to be an exaggeration too far and the end of the count saw WOT's seats reduced by two thirds. Their only seat on the State Council was retained by Mrs Alice Throttle whose Lower Wymsey constituency is well known for it's inertia on account of the lack of educational opportunities under the previous Council led by ex-councilor Julius Blaah .

Most of the other parties failed to get a look in, the Wymsey Communist Party (WCP), the Communist Party of Wymsey (CPW), the Party of Wymsey Communists (PWC) and Plaid Wymsey all lost their deposits.

It was pleasing to many who position themselves as centre-leftish-nice-people that Slackville Democrat Shirley Pebble consolidated her position.

Turn out was once again extremely high at 97.5 percent , half a percentile up on the 2001 election. Well done Wymsey!


Click for Radio Wymsey


Nuclear Enthusiasm Rebuffed
By Wymsey Renewables:

Nuclear Power? No thanks! Local energy utility company, Wymsey Renewables, this week announced that it had no intention of going down the economically foolish path of generating Wymsey's electricity by a method involving 'contained' nuclear explosions. "Surely, given the history, nobody in their right mind in their deepest moment of despair would contemplate such a ridiculous notion," said managing director Godfrey Fairweather.

Nuclear Power? No thanks! "We have heard recently that a certain country's leaders with issues have been touting nuclear power ," Fairweather added, "This kind of sloppy thinking does not go down well in Wymsey, surrounded as we are by such a country. Here the State Council has stated that it will never risk the health and lives of the current and future populace of Wymsey in order to take the easy way out or to win an election."

When approached by the Chronicle, State Chairperson Gordon deStompe commented, "The Council, as a whole, is deeply disturbed. Surrounded as we are, Wymsey is somewhat at the mercy of the English and the prevailing winds when it comes down to any dubious nuclear activity on the part of those besuited jonnies from north London and their bedfellows at British Nuclear Renderers. We're with the Irish on this."

Nuclear Power? No thanks! The Chairperson continued, "We are a small but jolly country and will continue to pursue our policies of being fully insulated by 2007 - unlike some we might mention. Our windmills are wonderful and the State Hall is now fully powered by a turbine in the Bitstream. Thanks to local pig breeder, Les Smith and farmer, Charlie Stebbings the methane generation / gas turbine scheme continues to be an overwhelming success and currently we have electricity coming out of our ears."


Wymsey Windmills advert


Down Our Lane
With Sam

Last time it was global warming and now it's atomic power stations. This is 'sposed to be the countryside not some troublesome inner city fraught with political activists, well it's not my cup of tea nor yours I expect. It always ends in tears and taxes - always has always will is what I says. But who's gonna listen to an old rural wastrel like me. Have you noticed the hedgerows lately - I know I have, they can't be avoided. I got onto the Council and they came out and trimmed the whole lot back - flailed it to bits they did. All that white blossom and birds blooming singing.

My hens have been very upset these past few weeks, it can't be their feed; to be honest I think it's all them townies from the Poets Estate coming around hissing at them on account of the dreaded Asian perch drop flu. Talking of Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue, were you shocked by the revelations? I know I was!

I've put out me tomatoes and chilli peppers - for the hens not me, I can't stand all that hot food but it seems to help me hens lay. This year I'm focusing on the herbs, I expect you are too.

Well me dears next week I'm off to the Isle of Wight with me secret lady friend. We're going on the 'overcraft which would scare the hell out of hens were they coming with us. I just hopes me sister, her with the bungalow in Swanage, don't get to hear of it.

Update, May 31st :Well, me dears, I'm back from me weekend on the Isle of Wight and I've put you a few pictures here.


Fourmums and matron


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