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February - April, 2006

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Mobile Phone Cooking
Leads to Server Chaos:

eggcup After some sharp eyed geek told slashdot that we knew how to cook an egg using two mobile phones the Contortium servers were severely hammered recently. In one week 250,000 people found it necessary to download our instructions. So impressed were the denizens of the web that the New Management were interviewed by top internet magazine Gelf. For some strange reactions to our helpful instructions see the Letters.

That's it, our fifteen minutes of fame!

While we're chirping on about stuff we have one more statistic: Wymsey has had 1.3 million hits since it's inception in 1998! Not bad for a little ex-English backwater - well done chaps!

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Morleys Model Shop

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Strange Geese in Wymsey:
goose in a treeShoed Flightless Geese are a rare and exotic breed which was unknown until recently when a pair appeared in Wymsey. These creatures are intelligent and curious but, sadly, mute. They make up for their silence by having the brightest of eyes and the friendliest of manners. The Wymsey Pair arrived on the Green during the summer of 2005 and proceeded to find their bearings and quickly settled in. To find out more about shoed geese go here.

If you are concerned by issues raised in this article you can contact ladieschamber@goosewatckUK.org.

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deStompe to Quit
or Just a Rumour?

The New Age Man - Gordon deStompe, leader of the State Council Rumours have been rife around the corridors of the State Hall recently (to be honest, they're rife most of the time) and they are saying that State Council Chairman, Gordon deStompe (left), intends to step down this year and that he has no stomach for another Wymsey Election.

Leslie Smith, Countryman of the Year, 1999 Further rumours flag smallholder and Countryman of the Year 1999, Leslie Smith (right) as a likely successor. Yet other, more authoritative, rumours declare this as absolute nonsense and point to Les' total lack of fiscal control. Observers point out, however, that he has rarely been seen to buy a round in the public bar of the Crown and Thorns which makes him fiscally prudent. Still others point out that for all his good points Les really does not have the extra something that would win the hearts and, as he said himself, "What endears me to the populace is me stroppyness, me down to earth bleeding awkwardness - what you needs to breed them Wymsey Odd Spots like what I does. Leader of the State Council - no thank you matey, that not for me!"

So who will it be, if anyone? What do you think - let us know!

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Some Sports Stuff:
atomcraft? nein danke Once renowned line judge Thomas Shibley Thomas will be on hand next Saturday to dedicate the new clay tennis court at the Ernest Stuffe University Wymsey Manor campus. The court, which won funding only after a notably vitriolic debate in the State Chamber last November, will be Wymsey's premier lawn (read only) tennis field. It can accommodate up to four players (doubles) and seat nearly 300 local supporters in the tall grassy area outside the link fence.

Mr. Thomas is England's most controversial line judge, having officiated for the Hasting's Direct International in June, 1988. That game was marred by an unfortunate incident, wherein Judge Thomas escalated a row with Women's 45th seed Jania Filch. The headstrong Filch protested an out call made by Thomas, directing him to a large slash in the forecourt sideline, whereupon judge Thomas repaired the mark by re-ordering the chalk with a credit card. Play resumed after Ms. Filch retrieved her racket from the second tier seats.

Undeterred by this public embarrassment, judge Thomas applied to judge at Wimbledon in 1995, but was relegated to understudy when it was discovered that he had re-injured a scratched cornea after sneezing in the cat box at his Watchester flat. Fame came his way the following year, when Thomas won bragging rights to line judge for the Qatar TotalFinaElf Open in Doha, Qatar. He was roundly praised for several cagey out calls and managed to earn a congratulatory nod from ruler the Khalif himself.

Now semi-retired, Thomas will be available for autographs prior to and directly after the dedication ceremony on Saturday. Attendees are urged to bring comfortable seating and a good book. The court's first match will feature the top two finishers from the Upper Wymsey Preparatory School's Fitness Month tennis finals.
(our thanks to freelance sporty reporter Ted A Thaddeus.)


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In the Next Issue:
Celina S Fontworthy & friend In the spirit of reconciliation and gratuitous sniggering the Wymsey Chronicle has enlisted the services of lady journalist Celina S Fontworthy who, from the next issue, will be reporting on her experience of living and playing in the southern English town of Southamlet. Thrice winner of the British Journal of Journalism Golden Article Award, Ms Fontworthy will bring her acidic wit and crafty penpersonship to bear on how the English subsist from day to day.

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April
Chicks Not For Chop!
bantam hen Thanks entirely to the sterling efforts of the SCPPP (State Council Pandemic Prevention Programme) Wymsey does not expect to see sick birds falling out of the skies this Easter. SCPPP's prompt action has ensured that Wymsey's avians can carry on more or less as normal.

bantam hen Smallholders, such as Les Smith , depend on their ability to provide free range produce for the environs. To this end SCPPP has ordered that all free range domesticated fowl (chicken, turkey, ducks, geese, guinea fowl, quail, etc) can continue to live out of doors but must be housed in suitable tents or marquees for larger flocks.

bantam hen SCPPP spokesperson, rurally attractive 25 year old June Lee Travels, commented, "We believe that this solves a number of what were, before we applied ourselves, intractable problems. bantam hen Most importantly, the populace of Wymsey will continue to eat free range eggs and poultry whatever the English be-suited jonnies from north London do. Also, our fowl population will continue to enjoy the outdoor life albeit from within tents. Lastly, as tents are easily moved, the pastures of Wymsey will not be soured by fowl doos."

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ad for tompkins tents

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An Easter Wonder:
wigwam This week sees the erection of the traditional Easter Pagan Wigwam on the Green. In the dwelling will occur the ancient Wymsonian Spring Rites during which the Six Maidens of the Spring Sprite dispense the usual seasonal offerings. The Grand Master of Rites will be dressed as his forebears did before him down to reasons lost in the mists.

easter bunny After the dispensing of the offerings the Six Maidens will proceed in procession, led by the Jolly Jiggler, from the confines of the Pagan Wigwam onto the Dancing Field. Each will take hold of a colourful ribbon suspended from the disused telegraph pole that was left on the Green after the war with the Kaiser. The six colours represent the six senses, the six steps, the six sacred acorns and the complete range of colours available from The Post office and General Store.

easter bunny The six maidens will then process in an anticlockwise direction chanting the ancient secret incantations for the budding of the buds and the sprouting of the seeds, with a timely warning in the last stanza about late frosts. It is usually around this point in the proceedings that the skies open and the crowds rush across the Green to the Crown & Thorns for swift pint or two before the Great Boundary Egg Race in which many small children get sick and tired due to surfeits of chocolate and exercise.

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deStompe Says,
I'm Not Quitting Yet!

The New Age Man - Gordon deStompe, leader of the State Council In order to stifle the rumours that have been whirling around the corridors of the State Hall recently State Council Chairman, Gordon deStompe (left), issued a statement this week.

"I have much to do before I decide to stand down as leader of the NNN and, therefore, of the State Council. There are many little imperfections that need to be ironed out, many delicate diplomacies that need a steady mind and a gentle touch. I do not yet see a natural successor coming up behind me and I have always said that I am here to serve and carry out the Great Task. Under the NNN Wymsey has become a greater (if small) place, one with no snooping, no malware on our computers, no phone tapping, no added folic acid in our organic wholemeal bread and no conspiracies around every corner."

Mr deStompe went on to say that things could only get better under the NNN and he urged all sane Wymsonians to vote NNN in the upcoming elections.

What do you think - let us know!!

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Down Our Lane
With Sam

Did yer ever wonder what it's all about? Me neither! But I do find meself thinking about that global warming what those English jonnies keep trying to ram down our throats. Them what get driven around in their big cars and 4 wheel tanks. Not to mention all that jet setting and conferences in warm climes. Something seems rotten to me and I don't mean me compost!

Still it's not all doom and gloom in the environs, though 'tis mostly what with Easter coming up and all those heaving hormones. Me hens are getting restless, I expect yours are too - they wants to get laying. I blames the clocks going forward I do. And the birds have been singing for weeks now - always a bad sign that is, blooming hedgerows sounds like a musical box factory on overtime.

That's the trouble with the rural life, never a moments peace once April is here. In the old days it was all quiet and bucolic and we rural persons used to get portrayed on porcelain. Nowadays we get bypassed.


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Farewell WCR!
Radio Wymsey Wymsey Community Radio whose importance peaked during WymFest 2000 is sadly no longer on the air. A victim of time passing, the station was host to many great and important online personalities including Irene De Mandible, Granny Turnipseed, Rosalie McClain, The McCrankies, Rampling Dan Dither and others.

However, thanks to the wonders of re-branding Wymsey remains a broadcasting pioneer, Radio Wymsey is seriously replacing the WCR turf and carrying the torch forward! The two channel franchise, awarded to Wymsey Community Broadcasting by the State Council, aims to pleasure the people that count and woos them with amazing humour on the one channel and eclectic music on the other.

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Click for Radio Wymsey

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Male Dancing Team
Are Over the Moon:

The Wymsey Male Pavement Formation Dancing team The Wymsey Male Pavement Formation Dancing team The Wymsey Male Pavement Formation Dancing team The Wymsey Male Pavement Formation Dance Team, now free of the innuendos that blemished them in 2005, are back in fine fettle and poised to once again take the pavement formation dancing world by storm. Their leader, Gordon Chumpley, was upbeat when we cornered him in the Post Office & General Store last week. "We're free of the old innuendos and our poise is second to none, we intend to dance like never before. We are over the moon at the chance to represent Wymsey in the Olympics." he told us.

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organic fish & chips

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Wymsey Brave Buddleia
Festival and Contest

brave buddliea It was announced this week that the Wymsey Brave Buddleia Festival and Contest which will take place on the third Saturday of July to coincide with the start of the school summer holidays.

Mrs Della Bacon-Handley Chairlady of the Festival Committee was enthusiastic when we spoke to her, "I, like my committee, am very excited by this years programme of events. A gentleman from London with a very full beard has discovered how to make paper from Buddleia, and will have a table full of his exciting examples. We have the annual Brave Buddleia contest, with photographic submissions of the highest, lowest and oddest architectural buddleias. Obviously there will lots of buddleias for sale, there's an intriguing pink one out now, a sort of dusty-buffy pink with very pointed leaves, not prone to root tinge at all. We will most definitely have a Buddleia King." Watch the Chronicle for further details.

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Bus Pass Fury Engulfs
Wymsey Pensioners

the Wednesday Bus "A blooming racket that's what it is, dearie." Mrs Doris Storks, an aggrieved pensioner, of Lower Wymsey told our reporter earlier today when he visited the Wymsey Olduns Glee & Tea Club. "I enjoys a bus ride, I does," she continued, "I expect you does too."

It appears that the State Council has made a big noise about their generosity vis-a-vis free bus passes for our older folk. "Get's my goat it does matey and no mistake, all trousers and no buttons that lot!" added Mr Stanley Beeshoe, "after all I've been through to get to the age of sixty - this my reward!" His companion nodded in agreement.

The point of the ire is that, as we all know, there is only one bus that passes through Wymsey and that's on market day - the Wednesday Bus. "One ride a week is what me free bus pass is worth, even the English do better than that." See readers' letters.

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poodle Parlour advert

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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Funny month is February, you get glimpses of spring then the skies open and it all freezes overnight, love it I do - no going outside when that happens. Some silly chumpies like spring - not me my sunshines, oh no! Spring means work hereabouts, digging and seeding, turning the compost, taking a bath and then there's the hormones! Worse still, you have to start weeding - hates that I do. What I does is cover every spare bit of ground with old carpets which gets the State Council going I can tell you - puts off tourists they says. Well, I don't plan to have any tourist in me back garden, bet you don't either.

So, did you chuck all those seed catalogues? I know I did, all those bright pictures and everything looking perfect, depressing that is.


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Fourmums and matron


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Wild Tofu Not Affected!
wild tofu There was some relief this week amidst the consternation generated by the bird flu doom mongers when the State Vet declared that local wild tofu was unaffected by any strain of avian flu. We will leave it to you the reader to quantify local reaction to this news, suffice to say that there were mixed feelings in the environs. Local feminist vegetarian activist, Ethel M Nails , was less than sanguine when our reporter spoke to her on Thursday: "So the poor creatures will live to be hunted by the likes of Barking-Barking , nasty man."

Mrs Nails is renowned throughout Wymsey for her abrasive anti-male style which many view as a greater threat to state stability than the fact that we are surrounded by the English.

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Rainbow Hits Home:
rainbow hits house If there is one certain fact about the weather in Wymsey it is that the wind always blows in from England. This week the weather almost finished off famous imbiber of gin and fancy vegeburger producer Vera Snodging, "I was on me way home from the Thorns after a mid morning tipple with Gladys Alsteady, her with the elastic bandage problem, when I was caught in a sudden seasonal downpour. It caught the sun unawares too 'cos the daft yellow wotzit just kept shining through the rain. Well, I comes around the bend in Church Lane and blow me down if there ain't a giant great rainbow landing on my cottage. Just missed me chimney it did."

Widow Snodging (her late husband, Godly, sadly passed over in 1982 during a sťance in which he was hit by a flying chair) had to be comforted by neighbours who quickly returned her to the Crown & Thorns for a restorative pint of gin. "It's at times like these I do wish that my Godly had a normal hobby like going down the pub. But no, that weren't good enough for him, Godly had to seek answers to the unanswerable. Drove me to drink it did," she told the Chronicle.

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roofing ad

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An Ode to Beetroot

Sweetly pink-magenta, rounded
To the eye a taste compounded
Of nectar and a sort of root
Served to the likes of old Canute.

Its staining juice is most alarming
although the hue's considered charming
By girls of six or under ten.
(Pinkness is a virtue then).

Firm yet wet and slightly salt
A cleanly taste, true sweet, not malt,
The boiled roots melt upon the tongue
But note some red in pee and dung!

For delectation night and day
The reddish root doth yet hold sway
For those inclined to too much meat
I quoth to you - beets can't be beat.

Angela Tinge-Stout, Wymsey Rhymers

beetroot
News From Southamlet:
Celina S Fontworthy & friend "Look at all the Piggy People
Living Piggy lives.
Always going out to dinner
With their Piggy wives,
Clutching forks and knives
To eat their bacon."

This song is perhaps one of John Lennon's lesser known works due to its sarcasm and use of the word "damn", but it certainly has relevance in today's world. None of us think we are Piggy People. We think of ourselves as Good People, simply trying to get through life as quickly and easily as possible. There's nothing wrong with that although Mr Lennon had very strong views about cannibalism. When we are stymied from our goals, such as a simple, daily goal of getting to work, then the piggyness comes out. Then the TRUTH comes out.

I have a daily goal of getting to work using the transport system. Since I am not allowed to keep a pony, I must use the bus in order to keep my world, and the worlds of certain elderly in-laws, spinning along. I will not embarrass us all by saying my work is any more or less important than a doctor's or a plumbers, simply that when I do get to work in a timely manner, unruffled, clean and unabused, I am a much better worker and can contribute fully. When the local bus service is Late, Surly, Dirty, and Disingenuous About the Final Destination of the Bus At Hand, then I am not only unproductive, I am made miserable: in effect, my world topples.

Letters to the bus service, folded pink notes slipped to the driver with a small flower stapled on, and banners blu-tacced to the most offensive bus-shelters have made not a whit of difference. Every day, worlds collide! The effect on my digestion is immediate; and my faith in the commerce and community of England is shaken. Daily.

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