Wymsey - the Archives

January - February 1999

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January 29th, 1999

Chronicle Launches New Section : This week the Wymsey & District Chronicles led the local newspaper industry in a new direction by launching it's new magazine, Wymsey Weekend. The, full colour, section trail blazes it's way to the weekend coffee table with many exciting features which will explore the background to local issues. Guest columnists will entertain you with their unique views of village life the Wymsey way. Make sure that you are in the know by ordering your copy of the Wymsey Chronicle today.

Blaah Red faced After NNN Expose German PVC Artist :This week saw Parish Council leader, pvc artist Julius Blaah, embarrassed by revelations concerning German PVC artist Gelda Sprongstein who has been contracted by Plastik Fabrik Con GMBH to design the Wymsey Millennium Gnome. Gordon deStompe prime mover of No Nomes Nohow, sic revealed, at the NNN inaugural meeting on Wednesday evening, that Frau lien Spronstein had learnt her trade is a dubious Berlin nocturnal establishment.
A spokesperson for Plastic Fabrik told the Chronicle, "We are unable to speak for Gelda Sprongstein but she came highly recommended. I am saying that your little village is giving us a very big headache, we do not have these problems before. Here in Germany, we are embracing the future like your nice Mr Blaah."

NNN Say NO To WWP: NNN ribbon Speaking for the NNN, John Applegate, retired schoolmaster and local historian, told the Chronicle that NNN would have no truck with the WWP, (Wymsey Workers Party), "As far as we can tell, they only have one member and he is the current partner of one of Gordon deStompe's ex-girlfriend's. I was with Gordon one evening in the Martingdale fish and chip shop when this individual came in and threatened to beat Gordon up. That's the WWP for you."
Mr Applegate said that the NNN was non-partisan and multi-denominational but would not welcome loonies with chips on their shoulders.

sheep flock Lost Lambs For Wymsey?: Wymsey Vegetarians this week highlighted the plight of Welsh mountain sheep of which many thousands are becoming homeless. The economics of hill farming have always been rocky and in recent years there has been a torrent of Welsh hill farmers leaving the land.
Mrs Ethel M Nails, Secretary to the Wymsey Vegetarians suggested in a press release that a sheep orphanage might be set up in Wymsey with a view to eventual adoption by good middle class families. "Of course they would have to be well vetted." said Mrs Nails. We were unclear if she was referring to the sheep or to the middle class families. "We want these poor lambs to achieve their full potential." added her husband, Mr Bertram B Nails, Chairman of the Wymsey Vegetarians. Mr and Mrs Nails are currently looking suitable land to house their orphanage.

Playwright lost the plot?:Tuesday evening Wymsey Parish Hall saw the world premiere of 'Expedition' the latest play by Susan Carter Susan carter Playwright-in-residence at UWAT (University of Watchester). On the surface, the play follows three men on an uninhabited Pacific island in a group of other uninhabited islands. The purpose is to set up a radio station to enable thousands of other people world-wide to communicate with the island.

At curtain up we see a blacked out stage with a large tent pitched front centre stage, a long table is placed in the entrance to the tent and on the table radio equipment is piled. Between, and above, the equipment we can see parts of the heads belonging to the three actors that make up the cast of 'Expedition'. During the play these three rarely speak to each other (whether they get on better during the interval this writer is unable to report) but spend most of the play talking into their microphones and listen to the replies they receive from such diverse places as Colorado, Arkansas, Alaska, Australia, England and Slovenia.

According to my watch this play lasted two hours and three minutes - time better spent counting cars on the Watchester Bypass (I usually count the red ones). A press release from Ms Carter states that the play is concerned with the motivation of modern action - roll over Sartre says the Chronicle. We fervently pray that the actors build a raft and that the play sinks without a trace.

January 22nd, 1999

Blaah Ploughs on Regardless:Following a turbulent week in Parish politics Council Chairman and Church warden, Julius Blaah seemed oblivious to the hornets nest he has stirred up in the village. Fellow Councilor, Gordon deStompe, is quoted as saying, "I think he has lost it but he'll have plenty of time to find it after the elections in May." Julius Blaah's comments on UWAT FM that we would all be middle class soon was greeted by ridicule in the streets of Wymsey ( Page 23, last week's Chronicle ). Councilor Blaah issued the following statement on Tuesday, "I stand by my statement concerning the future of the people of Wymsey, there are great times ahead and we will be there. The glow of the future beckons.
Our Millennium statement is the most monumental this country is offering - the people of Wymsey should be proud, I know I am. We intend to proceed at full speed. What we are doing is putting Wymsey on the map."

Millennium Resignations Leads to Strange Bedfellows Shock: gordonjohn barking Parish Councilors Gordon deStompe, old Labour, John Applegate, old Liberal, and Major General Barking Barking, old Tory, have resigned from the Parish Council over the Millennium Statement. They have put their full weight behind the No Nomes NoHow, sic, campaign.

Mr deStompe said that there would be fun times ahead for the Parish council, "There will have to be three by elections in the next couple of months followed by the usual elections in May. The three of us will be standing as No Nomes Nohow candidates in the by elections. We fully expect to be elected and if the Gnome goes ahead we will stand in May also." Mr deStompe is a veteran environmental protester as his friends in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns will attest.

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