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The Archive, May - Dec, 2001






May, 2001
Election Fever
Hits Wymsey:

election 2001 "Tis in the nature of the beast, matey," commented local pig breeder, Leslie Smith, "when an election do come to Wymsey all Wymsey stirs with excitement as we love nothing more than to exercise our democratic imperatives and we rushes off to the hustings for happy evenings of political ping pong."

Thursday, June 7th, will be the first election since independence and early polls suggest a turnout of around 97 per cent and the use of manual counting and checking should avoid any Florida like problems.


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Slackville Democrats
Remain Chirpy

SDP The Slackville Democratic Party of Wymsey is telling voters that it is the only party to remain true to the teachings of Ernest Stuffe and the only one that know's the complete lyrics of 'Little Things Mean a Lot.'

Candidate Shirley Pemble was chirpy when the Chronicle cornered her as she knocked on doors in Lower Wymsey. "I am getting a fantastic reception on the doorstep and that is what counts, people see that we are a party that they can trust, that we are a very nice party that cares about light bulbs and cracked pavements. I think that there will be a number of surprises at this election. It is clear to me that people are fed up to the back teeth with the dictatorial assumptions of the NNN party, that's what I am hearing on doorsteps."


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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Hello my dears, I'm back at last from me sister's at Swanage, her with the bungalow and I won't be going back for a while I can tell you. She roped me in for the Swanage Christmas Pantomime and I broke a leg - in three places. Trapped I was. I'm just glad to get back for the election, I'd have been downright miserable if I'd missed that.

I'm happy to say that Vera Snodging did a good job of looking after me hens and they's as happy as Harry. Can't say the same for the garden though, 'tis a right mess and no mistake. Just how I likes it! I see that spring came while I was away and is rampantly screeching through the trees.

I'm right behind with everything so I'm having to guess that you have got your Runner and French beans out by now and yer garlic should be looking good. Unless June be very wet just let it go, what you wants to pray for is a right hot June 'cos that's what yer garlic likes.

Aphids is rampant right now, they be on every darn thing. I hates them little ones the most, them woolly ones - darn rats. Slugs in damp corners too, which be mostly everywhere so get yer toad and hedgehog orders in now 'cos there's going to be a run on 'em.
Do you get confused by our French friends? I knows I do. Some bloke on the wireless radio just said that in France May is the new August.

Sam's writings have been published and you will find extracts from his book at Slackville.


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Wymsey Has Pundits
Confused:

Sephologists from around Europe were yesterday amazed at the continuing rise in popularity of the Wymsey NNN Party, as one put it, "Not since before the Fall have we witnessed such a contented population as we find today in Wymsey." Which may be stretching things a tad but there is something about the State that has people thinking of times antediluvian.

Wymsey Vote
"This not England matey, things are different here, we exist on a different plane to those humdrum anglos with their overweening worries about whether their insurance will pay for a decent funeral. The way I sees it matey is if they be English and ruled by them North London smoothies then they've already had their funeral so why worry. Is what I says", remarked local pig breeder and smallholder Leslie Smith.

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Plaid Wymsey Stands:
Mrs Megan Jones-Bach is the sole candidate for Plaid Wymsey, the Wymsey Welsh speaking party. "I will be standing on a platform of singing in the valleys, increased rainfall, help for hill farming and the right for all Welsh children in Wymsey to be taught in their native tongue. We will also apply to the EU for Extreme Minority status," Mrs Jones-Bach told the Chronicle.

The candidate's husband Dylan Bach-Jones Bard told us, "She off the wall she is, there's only two of us Welsh in Wymsey and she ain't getting my vote on account of the fact that we are in a nuptial dispute of a private nature."

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WUP Heading For
Electoral Oblivion:

Blaah down a well. Wymsey's Unification Party, the vehicle that was supposed to spearhead the political rehabilitation of ex-councilor and church warden Julius Blaah, is heading for the ditch, electorially speaking. With support limited to a few feckless fools and his relations it is unlikely his vote will actually reach the 0.1 per cent predicted by the latest opinion poll. "The reason it is that high is simply due to the fact the 0.1 percent is the limit of resolution of our sephometer, in reality they will be lucky to get six votes," commented Professor Daren Cortina, head of WymseySephographics and lecturer in modern politics at UWAT.

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June, 2001
NoNomes Wipe
Board Clean:

NNN The June 7th election ensured a wildly supported second term for the NNN under it's popular and charismatic leader Gordon deStompe. The party now has an overwhelming mandate to pursue it's across-the-board package of reform which will include even closer union with Europe and adoption of the EuroWym at the earliest possible moment. The example of the free-falling pound Sterling will help persuade any doubters whilst the reduced transport costs will encourage our European friends to fill their lorries with treats and to head our way.

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WSP, SWP, WUP, WAP,
Old Tories Lose Deposits:

Wymsey Anachists A number of minor parties were sacrificed during the election which brought sighs of relief from the electorate and the programme planners at Wymsey Community Radio.
The people of Wymsey, so keen as they are on voting (turnout this year was 97%), felt compelled to listen to the electoral broadcasts made by all the parties. "It just went on and on matey, every blooming night after the farming news, one or more of them indistinguishable parties of the left would come on and say how un'appy the workers were and that we should storm the darn barricades. Bound to be un'appy with that lot going on at yer. They's all sociology lecturers from UWAT what eats Italian food and 'as four wheel drive people movers to get the Sunday papers with.

But what really got me though was them Plaid Wymsey, I 'ad to sit through five minutes of Welsh which was dead boring I can tell you. Me I'm all for calling a Taffy a Taffy but for sugar's sake do it in Wymsonian so as I can blooming understand." Commented, Leslie Smith, a local smallholder and Countryman of the Year.


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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Well me dears, that's the election over and thank goodness I says, all them promises what no one believes and them talking to us as if they thought we were normal or we thought they were. You knows what I mean. Them Wymsey Anarchist blokies they got me laughing they did, puts up a candidate in Lower Wymsey and goes around telling people not to vote for 'im. Waste of time that!

With me sojourn in Swanage I'm all behind this year and no mistake, I expect you are too, so I'll be putting me energies into yer high value crops. Tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, rocket, lettuce, that sort of stuff. You can do the same.

I'm thinking of selling off some of me land, 'tis too much work, all this growing yer own food when yer can get it delivered to yer doorstep from the supermarket in Watchester.

I did say to the man at the Chronicle that I could become the Hedgerow correspondent and report on the goings on up and down the lanes.

Sam's writings have been published and you will find extracts from his book at Slackville.


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August, 2001
Fish & Chip Threat
Taken Seriously:

Serious The State Council today stated that it was taking seriously intelligence suggesting that attempts would be made to import contraband fish & chips under the cover of WymFest Expo 2001. A spokesman told the Chronicle, "Our sources suggest this is highly likely and we will be mobilising the Wymsey State Defence Force Fish Detector Units to ensure that no greasy fish and chips become foisted on unsuspecting public."

The Chronicle understands that elements of English organised crime are targeting the young people Wymsey who are susceptible to the suspect charms of greasy foodstuffs.


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Damp Squid 2001
Without Irene?

Pookah, sister to the most famous Irene There are some that look back to WymFest 2000 with a sense of being in a special place at a special time, like being on Mount Arafat perhaps, a time when the web famous Irene De Mandible revealed to an amazed and stunned world yet another of her many and manifold talents. Those that missed it were absent at an epoch making event.

Sadly, little has been seen or heard of Ms De Mandible during this Millennium year and there are fears that she is no longer with us. Perhaps we will never know for this is indeed a strange universe.


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Pollys Poodle Palace
We'll do your dog for
WymFest!
Wymsey 2828


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Down Our Lane
with Sam

So me dears, it that damn time again, blooming WymFest they calls it, I calls it WymPest and I expect you does too! We gets inundated we does, with tourists and camera crews. Drives me mad and me hens stop laying for a week. Now that State Council has turned it into an Expo, whatever that is. You know me, I'm not the one to complain, give me a pot of yellow paint and a hen house to paint and I'm happy but this Expo thingy gets my goat. I just wants to get on with me life I does and that means leaning on my gate and staring across the fields not talking to blooming strangers asking did I see that Irene De Mandible when she were here last year. I tells 'em I was in Swanage staying with me sister, 'er with the bungalow.

If this Expo thingy is a sign of what we can expect in the new millennium you can keep it matey, give me an amble along the Navigation any day.

Still, I do have me garden which makes it even worse what with the courgettes running rampant and the cabbages gone to flower behind me back. To tell you the truth me dears I'm have a re-think on this blooming country life, Vera Snodging says I'm having a male menopause and midlife crisis but she is addled. What I'm thinking is how can a body enjoy the rural life if he is forever weeding, planting and blooming reaping.

Sam's writings have been published and you will find extracts from his book at Slackville.


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Happy WymFest
from
Dah Dits
The Wymsey Cough Drop
National Supplier


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Happy Thingy!

December, 2001
The staff and Editor of the Wymsey Chronicle wish all our readers a very Happy Thingy & New Year, we hope that the second year of the new millennium will bring a new momentum to the pursuance of goals everywhere.

We were glad to see that the deplorable English Dome has been given away to an American stadium expert who intends to populate the thing with naked cheerleaders or something. It only goes to show the wisdom of Wymsey's rejection of the Millennium Gnome.

2001 was a great year for the micro state and we saw the back of a number of villains and the appearance of some rather nice people (you know who you are). Two we would like to mention in particular are Maragold Babe and the Little Plumber Boy (aka Son of Surf), the latter is one of mother nature's wonders, although not in the same league as the Goblin Shark.

You will find more information on these things and much else on the Parish Notice Board.


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A Veggie Xmas Dinner?

We are indebted to Ethel M Nails for providing this alternative Xmas lunch. "We have been eating this roast since 1967 and have never tired of it, once good thing about it is the way it lies on a man's stomach and takes away his nasty drives." Mrs Nails told us.

Ingredients to feed 5 over the holiday period:

3lbs of coarse ground free range oatmeal.
3lbs ditto wild Hymalian Rice.
1lb red organic lentils
2lb diced organic carrot.
2lb finely chopped hard boiled free range eggs
1/2 pint fresh unpasturised mayonnaise
1/2 pint double organic cream
2lb coarsely ground mixed organic nuts,
(do not use pea nuts - they are not nuts!)
1 tablespoon blarney paste.
Seasoning to taste.

Method: Take a large pan, add three pints of Highland spring water and bring to the boil.
Add oatmeal, lentils & rice, gently stirring with wooden spoon from sustainable Third World forest , one by one.
Next add nuts and simmer for 75 mins.
Remove from flame.
Add carrot and eggs.
Add cream and mayonnaise, if you like garlic then this is the time to add it.
Season to taste and then turn into large baking tin and bake for 75 mins at 175 decrees C or Gas Mark 4 ish.
(Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5 and add 32.)

Enjoy!


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Contact the Wymsey Chronicle
May, 2001
NNN Ready
For Second Term:

NNN The NoNomesNohow party are confidently predicting their return to office for a second term and the latest polls agree. "We have given Wymsey what Wymsey wanted and we will work restlessly to ensure the men, women and children of this wonderful state enjoy more of the same," said State Council Leader and Chairperson of the NNN, Gordon deStompe, "the many improvements that we have wrought over the worn out widisheens of Julius Blaah and his two cronies are only a beginning. Blaah will try to play the English card but the people of Wymsey wish to remain ever closer to Europe and can hardly wait for the Wym to become the EuroWym."

The NNN have enjoyed immense popularity since leading the once village onto the world stage by declaring independence from the English tyrants of North London and accepting the embrace of the European Union.

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WCR Broadcasting to Wymsey

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Wymsey Anarchists
Are Uppish:

Wymsey Anachists We understand that the Wymsey Anarchist Party ( as it is known at the moment or was when we spoke to them) are putting up one candidate in the forthcoming election and are vigorously encouraging people not to vote for them. "First indications from the doorsteps suggest that we are succeeding." Commented one of them.

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Workers Drugged
Says WSP:

Wymsey Socialists "The down trodden workers of Wymsey are sick and tired of seeing those in power deciding what is good for them. The time has come to take a stand. We have seen the heart being kicked out of working class culture only to be replace by naff soap operas, inane panel games, vacuous 'celebrity' cooking and gardening programs and omnipresent darn football. The workers have been drugged."

So stated James Hedgespur, lone WSP candidate and lecturer in sociology at the University of Watchester (UWAT).

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Workers Duped
Says SWP:

Socialists of Wymsey "The over exploited workers of Wymsey are up in arms over the way they have been treated by the State Council especially the fact that they are forced to live in Lower Wymsey with every street named after some author of middle class literature. "We can't afford to live anywhere else, mate," one of them told me, "unless things change, especially those darn street names, we will be revolting."

Clearly the time has come to take a stand. We have seen the heart being kicked out of working class culture only to be replace by naff games shows, inane soap opera, vacuous 'celebrity' interior decorating and kitchen programs and omnipresent darn football. The workers have been duped."

So stated Simon Castanet, the SWP candidate and lecturer in urbo-anthropology at the University of Watchester (UWAT).

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vera

happy election me dears!
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Old Tories Woo Wymsey
With Whalebone Corsets:

Wymsey Old Tories "A vote for the Wymsey Old Tories is a vote for cherry flavoured cough medicine, cobbled streets and boys with red noses on cold days. Gas street lighting, trolly buses and whale bone corsets. Chelsea buns, black umbrellas, Old English flavour Spangles and sly mongrel dogs. Horse drawn delivery vans with dung for dad's roses and Tizer delivered to the doorstep by men with smiles.

That's what we stand for young man and respect for your elders after a stint in the Army." WOT candidate William Decanter told us in between door knocking along Church Lane yesterday.

The Old Tories eclectic mixture of sepia nostalgia, lunacy and good old fashioned confectionary could well prove to be this election's loose canon.



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June, 2001
WUP Droop
The End For Blaah?

a defeated Blaah The NoNomesNohow party effectively condemned the Wymsey Unification Party to a closet drawer in the basement of Wymsey's electoral history when it used the WUP to wipe the board on June 7th.

The WUP stood on a radical platform whose main plank was a return to the previous status quo, that is, the return of the village sheep to the English fold. For most of the electorate the idea of getting back into bed with a load of English sheep was beyond the pale. "We don't need to get in to bed with that North & South disease, though there's one or two what would be up for it." commented Leslie Smith a local pig breeder and popular ladies' man.

WUP leader, Julies Blaah, (above) was putting a brave face on things this week as he set out on a pan-European trip to discuss his fear of space alien invasions with like minded people. The Chronicle understands that Mr Blaah intends cease all political activity to concentrate on his business activities and designing a family mausoleum.

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Slackville Demoncrats
Not Maungy:

Pebble campaigns Following the election the Slackville Demoncrats are, with three members elected to the State Council and although outnumbered four to one, the only effective opposition in the State Council. Their three members, John Reck, Annie Babbacombe & Shirley Pebble, are committed to remaining nice whatever the NNN throws at them. "Not that we won't be effective, because we will," said Leader Shirley Pebble, "we fundamentally believe that it is possible to stand up for what we believe in and remain nice. Especially as being nice is what we believe in."

Attractive in a grownup way, Ms Pebble, 36, is fond of the colour blue, likes Manhattan Transfer, the Village People and light opera. She has her hair done at Making Waves (next to, and owned by, Polly's Poodle Parlour) and enjoys putting up her own shelves.

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Old Tories Reeling:
Old Tories Wymsey Old Tories were still reeling from their disastrous electoral showing on June 7th when we contacted them at Old Tory House in Upper Wymsey. Both Old Tories (above) were looking somewhat punch-drunk or was it just plain drunk. "We offered the people of Wymsey corsets and other sepia things but Wymsey did not want our corsets. We are going away to think about our future." said one of them.

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August, 2000
WymFest 2001
Local Backlash?

religious danger, says localsLocal people are anticipating the upcoming WymFest Expo 2001 with mixed feelings amidst fears of another misguided attempt at evangelicalisation on a greater scale than last year ( See WymFest 2000 ). The catholic evangelist, Rosalie McLane (left), was particularly forceful in her distribution of prayers for local souls who had no desire to be prayed for let alone saved. It was due to this behaviour that Miss Macrane was appointed Ambassador to the Vatican where to this day she caters to papal needs and those of itinerant fish and chip purveyors.

Elaine Copperbeach, a local pagan and water diviner, points out that the presence of a prayer tent on the Green threatens the flow of dragon energy on it's journey from the centre of Wymsey Hill to the ocean. "It's these evangelicals of all shades and denominations with their prohibitions and their right wing agendas that worry me and my friend Maureen." Ms Copperbeach told out reporter.

"What we needs is to get back to a real rural festival with bowling for a pig, maypole dancing and endless drinking. We don't need all this state intervention and prayer tents. We wants to pursue our pagan ways by moonlight and I know my dear friend Maragold Babie agrees with me," commented Leslie Smith a good looking pig breeder and popular ladies' man.

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WCR Broadcasting to Wymsey

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Bug Lovers Strike back:
Members of the insect loving WymBugs the week launched a campaign to encourage more people to take bugs to their hearts. yes please, bugs. "Bugs get a bad press and are frequently callously swatted and killed by ignorant and psychologically disturbed individuals who project their fears onto unsuspecting insects who are quietly going about their business," WymBugs spokesperson and Slackville Demoncrat Councilor, Shirley Pebble, told the Chronicle. Attractive in a grownup way, Ms Pebble, 36, is fond of the colour blue, likes Manhattan Transfer, the Village People and light opera. She has her hair done at Making Waves (next to, and owned by, Polly's Poodle Palace) and enjoys putting up her own shelves. bugluv

Ms Pebble told us, "We are not going to stop at insects as we feel that viruses also get a bad press, after all we are all god's little creatures."

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December, 2001
Annual Training Trip
Enjoyed By All!


Viewing the Pacific RimThe Annual Contortium Tax Deductible Training Trip was once again a fantastic success, this year Members were guests of the MISSIS organisation whose specialisations beggar belief!

One member now has what must be the worlds largest collection of oil pumping donkey engine photographs, he spent three days with his camera in and around Oil Town, near Bakersfield, CA. OilTown, CA So excited was he by what he saw that the Member missed the Contortium Thanksgiving Lunch laid on by Bakersfield's best. (Thank you, Jan & Dan!)

Plans are well advanced for next years TT, which is to be down a disused Cornish tin mine and will include such things as experiential mushrooming, 19th Century Cornish steam pumping engines and no kissing in the back row.

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Christmas With Sam

Well me dears it's that time again, all bon hominy and arguments under the table most likely. I'm at home this year, I expects you are too. As you know I fell out with me sister a couple of years ago over the French, her what lives in North London with her four wheel drive off road vehicle what she uses to go to the supermarket and IKEA. Now I have gone and upset me other sister, her with the bungalow in Swanage, on account of wanting to spend the holiday with me hens.

Talking of which there is a perky magpie strutting up and down along the roof of me hen house, all sharp black and white he is against the bright yellow of me hen house. Looks like a 'Jolly copper on parade' and no mistake.

So, after I've given me hens their Christmas feed I will be off for me constitutional Christmas 'do come in and have a sherry' stroll around the lanes. I usually ends up at Vera Snodging's for a glass of gin and some seasonal Veggiburgers. Then I sleeps in her best armchair 'til tea time.

The editor says I needs to put something in about gardening at Christmas but he's a wally as they says in New Zealand, so I will just wish you all the best of beer and plenty of free range eggs in 2002.


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No More Clones:
Old Tories The State Council this week announced that there would be no cloning in Wymsey, a spokesman told the Chronicle, "We have more than enough clones around here and have asked them all to go back to England."

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vera

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The Very Fine Box Company

A Happy WymFest
from the
Very Fine Box Company

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A Very Happy WymFest Expo 2001 to all our readers in
Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.
Mechanicsburg, Bland County, Virginia.
Mechanicsburg, Illinois.
and Mechanicsburg, Ohio.


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