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The Archive, Jan - April 2001






January, 2001
Happy Millennium!
The staff and Editor of the Wymsey Chronicle wish all our readers a very Happy New Year and hope that the start of the new millennium will bring a new momentum to the pursuance of goals everywhere.

We were saddened to see the failure of so many English projects which had been set up under the misapprehension that the year 2000 was the start of the new millennium, if only they had consulted one of the many numerate eight year olds at Wymsey First School. Better luck next time!

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Wym Rises With Euro:
Citizens were jubilant this week upon learning that the Wym, tied as it is to the Euro, ended the year ten percent up on it's issue value. The rise of the Euro against the US dollar, Yen and Pound Sterling vindicates the State Council's decision to embrace the Euro rather than Sterling at the time of independence.

State Treasury Person, and local accountant, Simon Marie-Peer, commented, "We expect to see a rush into Wyms during the next quarter to the detriment of Sterling and, to some extent, the US Dollar. During December we saw a number of funds moving to Wymsey from Canada. We fully expect the Euro, and therefore the Wym, to rise ten percent in the next quarter, flattening out over the Easter holidays and remaining stable for the remaining three quarters."

Note: 1 Wym = 1 Euro = 0.66 Sterling = $0.87 US and a fistful of $ Canadian.


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WCR Broadcasting to Wymsey

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Another Village
Liberates Itself:

Tired of being oppressed by English tax collectors, scientologists and Seventh Day Adventurers the residents of a small village in West Sussex declared Ashurst Wood to be a free and independent nation state. Renamed the Peoples' Republic of Ashurst Wood National State, PRAWNS, they erected borders and issued passports, the borders were subsequently dismantled as the English failed to invade.

Perhaps the greatest advance that PRAWNS has made is a quite moving recording of their new National Anthem.

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Strange Shapes
Over Wymsey

Strange shapesReports reached the Chronicle this week of strange dark shapes appearing around Wymsey Hill just after sunset. A local breeder of the Glasgow Dingo who wished to remain anonymous witnessed the apparitions on New Year's Eve. "These fluid shapes seem to rise out of the very earth, I was extremely frightened," she told our reporter.

Only last year excavations for the Wymsey Millennium Water Tower unearthed what is now known as Wymhenge many feet below which lie the remains of the Wymsey Treacle Mine. As local Countryman of the Year and pig breeder, Leslie Smith, remarked, "Don't forget them Inca Gods what was at WymFest and refused to decamp - they was up to no good, I reckons."

Local Jungian anthropologist, Dr Ben Becula, commented, "What we have here is yet another case of mass hysteria, very common in rural communities during the winter months when there is little practical work to distract primitive imaginations. Interesting though."

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February, 2001
National Dish Decided
vera It was announced this week by the State Council that after much hunting around and dithering a National Dish has been decided upon. Insiders informed the Chronicle that it had been a neck and neck race between chitlins and Vera Snodging's Veggiburgers and that what swayed the Council was the fact that chitlins were not native to Wymsey.

GBS Vera Snodging impressed the Council when she presented her recipe to the Nation. The recipe came from her great aunt Millennia who got it from her sister, Mrs Mary Sludge who had been something in the Arts & Crafts Movement and a good friend of Mrs G Bernard Shaw.



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Daft Gnome Plan
gnome In what can only be described as a provocative move, ex-parish councilor and church warden, Julius Blaah yesterday announced plans to hold an international Ideal Gnome Exhibition in Wymsey. Regular readers will know how Wymsey feels about gnomes and new readers should refer to NoNomesNohow for some spiffing gnomics.

a gnome When we contacted him, Julius Blaah commented, "I am not trying to provoke the so-called State Council but if they do get upset then I'd call that a bonus."

According to Mr Blaah the exhibition will be a change for gnome lovers to meet, exchange tokens and further international relations, he also asserted that many in Wymsey would welcome the trade that such an exhibition would attract.

The Chronicle is not convinced, what do you think?


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State Budget
Bores Wymsey:

Some things never change and the Budget is one on those things. Independence has brought us lots of excitement but fiscal fineries remain arcane and as dull as some of those correspondents who write from Elizabeth Barrett Browning Way in Lower Wymsey.

To be brief: Taxes are down, allowances are up, tobacco duty up. All in all taxes are down and spending is up - at least that's what the press release said.


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A Better Deal For
Odd Numbers?

odd numbers This week saw the formation of the Wymsey 13579 Club and it's affiliation to the WONC ( the World Odd Number Council).

Spokesperson, Gordon Chumpley, already famous for his leadership of the Wymsey All Male Formation Pavement Dance Team, told the Chronicle, "Not Many people realise that a full fifty percent of numbers are odd, even less have paused to consider what that might mean. Being an odd number is like having two left hands and we aim to change that."

Mr Chumply said that the Club would shortly be launching the world's first website totally dedicated to odd numbers. "We fully expect that www.13579.org will do for odd numbers what the Wind In The Willows did for toads."

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March, 2001
State Emergency Declared!
At midnight on last night the State Council announced a State of Emergency in Wymsey, this was deemed necessary to avoid the importation of the English North and South disease. All roads into Wymsey were closed and all able bodied men were encouraged to join the Wymsey Volunteer North and South Patrol.
North & South Shower demonstartorIn a statement, the Council decreed that all English persons and Tourists attempting to enter Wymsey would be discouraged until the disinfectant shower units were up and running. This includes parachutists and others seeking asylum by aerial methods.

By 2am this morning mobile shower units had been flown to RAF Watchester from Disease Free France and border posts were being set on all roads into Wymsey. Above, attractive Parisian, Moe Madeleine L'Bistro, 27, demonstrates the Mobile Disinfecting Shower Unit to members of the WVTMP.


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Wymsey Farmers Sanguine
"That's right matey, sanguine is what we are," commented local pig breeder and Countryman of the Year, Leslie Smith speaking from behind the gate of his small holding at Wymsey Bottom. "We avoided that BBC disease what them English was giving away so we ain't gonna be beaten by this."

Local farmer and ace reporter, Charlie Stebbings told the Chronicle, "No one in this world is quite as sanguine as Les but we're pretty cheerful and optimistic that we have this one beat."

Wymsey Bottom Farm had to be re-stocked after the Stebbings' herd was decimated by BBC disease.


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April 12th, 2001
pring Hits Wymsey
"Tis in the nature of the beast, matey," commented local pig breeder, Leslie Smith, "one moment you're quietly struggling through the wet and cold the next them damn hormones start that surging and before you knows it spring is rampant, people is falling in love and getting urges what is insane. Me, I'm a sucker for it, just like everyone else 'round 'ere I falls for it year in year out. I look at then violets & primroses in Wymsey Wood and I goes as soft as leaf mold, gets to thinking of things what I shouldn't for me 'ealth's sake."

Just one man's view of Spring in Wymsey, a place well known for it's romanticism and hanky panky when the evenings begin to draw out. Even the threat of the English North and South disease is unlikely to dampen nature's rampant progress through the environs.


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tate Council
Detain Julius Blaah

Blaah at BEASTS It was announced last night that ex-Parish Councilor Julius Blaah had been detained under the North & South Disease Regulations, the Chronicle understands that Blaah was caught attempting to import foodstuffs from England.

A Council spokesperson commented, "This man has been a thorn in our sides since his defeat in last year's election. He is unable to accept the democratic choice of the people and appears to think that he has some divine right to the seat of power."

Julius Blaah will be charged over the weekend and is expected to appear in court next week. If found guilty he could face six months in prison and a fine of 6000, alternatively he could be fined and transported to England which is full of people like him.


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aster Bonnet Missing
Famous Veggiburger & VeggiDump producer, Vera Snodging, was in tears when she spoke to our reporter yesterday, "I took it out of it's box to dust down with a damp cloth then I pegged it to the clothesline to dry off. Half an hour later it were gone, there's some cruel people in this world. vera I knows not everyone likes me and there's some as is mightily jealous of me success in the food retail arena. If some vandal wanted to break me heart they did go about it right I can tell you."

A police spokesman told the Chronicle that they took this kind of thing very seriously and would be sending someone to the scene of the crime on Monday.


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vera

happy Easter me dears!
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ymsey Dah Dits
Save The day, Again!

In an effort that can only be described as heroic the Wymsey cough drop company, Dah Dits, have prevented Easter becoming a bitter washout for the State's children of all ages. Having saved the Sydney Olympics and gained the Freedom of the City from the Mayor of Sidney the Company faced a far greater problem when the North & South Disease Regulations forbade the importation of Easter Eggs from Belgium (or anywhere else from that matter)

Dah Dits production manager Clive Clurstrom Production Manager Clive Clurstrum, left, realised the implications as soon as the State Council issued the Regulations and quickly flew in Easter egg molds from Belgium, he also bought up all the stocks of cocoa at the Post Office & General Store. Clive quickly switched production from the famous cough drop to Easter eggs. "It was a darn steep learning curve but we got there and no one in Wymsey who wants one will be without an Easter egg this year."

A spokesperson for the State Council, shapely and attractive Doreen Glazier, 26, remarked, "Once again a Wymsey industry shows itself to be on the ball, quick to respond to changing markets and always ready to make a quick buck."

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January, 2001
Vatican Appointee
Embroiled:

Ambassador R MWithin days of her appointment, Wymsey's Ambassador to the Vatican Excepting the Brassica of St Duvet , Miss Rosalie McLain was embroiled in a potentially dangerous diplomatic situation.

It would seem that a request had been put to her by one Surf, the operator of a mobile fish and chip retail outlet, that he be allowed to dispense his greasy products from the grounds of our Vatican Embassy. Eschewing her usual diffident and submissive nature, Ambassador McLain determined that the Pontiff enjoyed fish and chips of a Friday and agreed to Surf's request. This was in total disregard of the State Council's position, vis a vis, mobile fish and chip retail outlets.

Ambassador McClain was immediately recalled whilst furious activity ensued through the usual channels and a major face saving plan was put into action by which the Pontiff was not embarrassed and Surf's outlet was given a space in the corner of St Peter's Square on the understanding that he would burn incense night and day to mask the odors of his operation.

Ambassador McClain return quietly to Vatican City yesterday.

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Ambassador Suffering:
Ambassador De MandibleWe sadly have to report that Ambassador Irene De Mandible has been cut down by Waverings Disease brought on by the eating of a relation's trifle - a leftover from Christmas 1999. Ms De Mandible, speaking somewhat incoherently from her ambassadorial sickbed indicated that she was beside herself with worry over her son's college education. Her son, just two, is less concerned.

"Forward planning is essential and I'm even thinking of learning how to use a spreadsheet. One can't leave these things to chance although I may consult the I-Ching when I'm a little better," the Ambassador told the Chronicle.

Ambassador De Mandible writes about the up and down of representing Wymsey at The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Ambassador

Ambassador De Mandible can be contacted at irene@wymsey.co.uk.

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Wymsey Expo 2001:
The State Council this week announced that this year's WymFest will be known as WymFest Expo 2001. "The theme this year will be the celebration of the new millennium and Wymsey's new status. As usual, this year's event will be better than ever. One of the crowning events will be the unveiling of the Wymsey Millennium Water Tower which, despite the Henge, we intend to complete on Wymsey Hill.

The Chronicle can't help but think that a water tower in the middle of a stone circle is hardly in the best taste and wonder what our readers think. Perhaps they agree with Mrs Ethel M Nails and her husband, of Wymsey Vegetarians, who commented, "This proposal is truly tacky but what I would expect from the group of beer-sodden men who run this country and I know my husband agrees with me. We intend to fight any plans to deface this wonderful neolithic structure with concrete and the curses of uncouth labourers. Wherever I go there are men causing problems, if I had my way I'd do away with the lot of them and leave the world safe for animals and women."


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State Council
Increases Safety

This week the State Council announced that Wymsey had become a much safer place since independence. "We have replaced 67 broken paving slabs and increased the number of street lights by 7.5 per cent. This represents a doubling of accident prevention effort when compared to the late parish council. The banning of mobile fish and chip retails outlets has reduced overall cholesterol levels by ten percent and obesity by 5.25 per cent, life expectancy has risen by 0.35 per cent or an average of 4.75 days per man, woman and child.

Crime has fallen to an all time low, the only incidents in the past year were trivial and included such things as taking ducks out of season, tofu poaching and late night singing on the village green."

The first public opinion poll of the year shows the NNN run State Council remaining overwhelmingly popular despite being accused in some quarters of being a puppet of the French. "I expect that would be some Englishman what doesn't like Fransoise Hardy," commented Leslie Smith, local smallholder, pig breeder and Countryman of the Year.

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February, 2001
Mr Surf Under Suspicion:
fish and chips Undercover surveillance undertaken by the eminent Canadian cult investigator, Mr. Walter O Nick, indicates that all is not what it seems with regard to Mr. Surf's mobile fish and chip retail outlet. Mr. Nick points out that an unusual number of people have sprung to Mr. Surf's defense in regard to his being banned by the State Council both in Wymsey and the Vatican Embassy. According to Mr. Nick everything points to a cult emanating from Surf's van, "It's is very likely that some devilish ingredient in his batter renders eaters' senses dumb." Mr Nick told the Chronicle this week. (That may have been numb - the line from British Columbia was bad.)

A spokesperson for the State Council said, "We don't doubt that there is some truth in this and we will take any action necessary to protect the people of Wymsey."

Local Jungian anthropologist, Dr Ben Becula, commented, "Here we go again, another winter's tale about as substantial as a spider's web. Mr Surf's batter merely makes people sick resulting in bad dreams. I suspect that at this time of year Walter O Nick has as little to do in British Columbia as must of our citizens here in Wymsey."

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The Very Fine Box Company

A Happy Lent
from the
Very Fine Box Company

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Pollys Poodle Palace
congratulates
Wymsey
Wymsey 2828


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Swiss Say No!
Wymsey Rejoices:

Swiss mountain cows say no to Europe.The people of Wymsey were jubilant this week upon hearing that the Swiss nation has voted not to join the European Union.

"Too right matey," said local Countryman of the Year and pig breeder, Leslie Smith, "All them damn cows with bells on and cowherds what yodel plus green cheese what has holes in it. Whole damn country is full of canteens and I 'ears you has to go to the top of a mountain just to have a cuppa on yer own. Then there's them cuckoo clocks, don't you start me on them things."

Mrs Beryl Simpkins of Church Lane, Wymsey, said, "Funny people the Swiss, when you think about it they don't do much, first time I heard of them in years. 'Course I knows they are very busy looking after the Pope and going to see the Sound of Music once a week, or is that them Austrians? I feels sorry for them meself on account of how hard it is to leave, no wonder they're good at climbing mountains, maybe they practices on the walls during the winter."


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March, 2001
Girl Guides Do Their Bit:
Girl Guide Troup Leader, Mrs Brenda Starling, announced that she and her Guides would be providing nutritional support to the Mobile North & South Patrols. Mrs Starling told us, "We will be opening the Bus Stop Cafe every day, not just Wednesday, our girls will be baking cakes and making teas for our brave lads. If it should turn cold will be making nourishing Soup of Wymsey Vegetables."

The Chronicle understands that Vera Snodging has donated 2 gross of Vera's Frozen Veggiebugers and has promised to do this weekly whilst the crisis persists.

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Voluntary Patrols Essential
Says State Council:

Wymsey North & South Voluntary Mobile Patrol Within hours on the State of Emergency being declared the first Volunteer Mobile Patrol was on the road commandeering disused items of farm equipment in order to block all roads into Wymsey. The State Council said that the work of the Patrols were key to avoiding the English North & South disease.

All able bodied males over 11 and under 76 are encouraged to contact Major General Barking-Barking whose is OC Mobile Patrols. Boys between 8 and 11 can contact Boy Scout Patrol Leader Giles Morgan-Morgan for boundary foot patrol duties.

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April 12th, 2001
aster Bunny Chosen:
Amid scenes of excited enjoyment this year's Easter Bunny was chosen by the large gathering of children and parents at the State Hall on Thursday Evening. easter bunny The three finalists, Mille Jasper, Susan Engleteen and Maragold Babie were a charming trio and after two hours of deliberating the judges were unable to arrive at a winner and it was proposed that a vote be taken.

Mrs Glenda Starling and her Girl Guides were prevailed upon to produce voting slips and to pass them around with tea and cakes. easter bunny The result was overwhelmingly conclusive with Maragold Babie winning 75% of the votes, Millie Jasper with 15% and Susan Engleteen with 9%. There were 3 three spoilt votes. (Mathematicians will note that 300 individuals voted.)

Maragold Babie was overwhelmed to the point of being unable to stand and was helped from the Hall by John Applegate, Maragold later indicated that she was looking forward to her egg-laying duties in the early hours of Easter Sunday.

Note: Maragold confirmed that she had changed her surname by deed poll and would no longer answer to Knotworthy, "All by dearest friends call me Babie." she told us.

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oves Afoot To Quell Gnomic Anguish:
The State Council the week contacted the Gnome Liberation Front in an attempt to defuse the gnomic situation. gnome It is hoped that representatives of the GLF will be on hand to rescue any gnomes appearing in Wymsey after the announcement by Julius Blaah of his intention to hold an Ideal Gnomes Exhibition on the Green.

It is hoped that the arrest of Blaah on charges under the North & South Disease Regulations for attempting to smuggle foodstuffs from England into Wymsey will not exasperate the position in which Blaah could, mistakenly, be seen as a friend of dwarves.

"Something has to be done, matey, " commented Leslie Smith, "These gnomes are not Wymsey, we ain't got any bungalows what is called 'Dunroamin' for a start. I think the State Council is right on this one what with Spring being rampant and hormones flying all over the place, them gnomes are likely to get drastically damaged if they turns up here. If them Liberation chappies can stop that then it's a good thing, that is."

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urf Conspiracy Allegation:
Regular readers of the Parish Notice Board were shocked to read the allegations of a Mr 'Biggs'. fish and chips In effect, Biggs accused the State Council of fabricating the information supplied by Mr Walter O Nick concerning the Fish & Chip Cult of Surf, see the last issue of the Chronicle.

The Chronicle can reveal that Mr 'Biggs' and Mr 'Surf' are in fact one and the same person.

A spokesperson for the State Council, petite Gillian Nomentine, 23, told the Chronicle, "We cannot, at this time, comment as investigations are on-going but we have seen signs of indoctrination in the environs."

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The Very Fine Box Company

A Happy Easter
from the
Very Fine Box Company

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Pollys Poodle Palace
Happy Easter
Wymsey!
Wymsey 2828


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