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The Archive, April - July 2000


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April 1st
Web Famous Expert
Missing Shock:

Pookah, Irene's sister, the travel agent. Famous authority Irene de Mandible was this week reported missing by her sister Pookah, pictured left. At this point in time nothing solid is known as to the whereabouts or condition of the woman who has become familiar with, and to, Wymsey. Her family are in Deep Shock, Nebraska seeking help from a famous Native American tracker.

Ms de Mandible's frequent deliberations at Parish Meetings and, indeed, her numerous colourful posters on the Parish Notice Board give no true insight into her state of mind or to where she might have gone.

In a recent interview with The Urly Bird, given only days before her absence was detected, Irene was very much her usual self and, so far, it has proven impossible to glean any clues from what was, otherwise, an enlightening article.

Villagers are asked to contact the Chronicle if they have any information that may help in the locating of a much missed lady.


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Wymsey Teams Up
With Google:

This week the WebSpin Management Contortium announced that they are to team up with Google. WebSpin spokeswoman, Tracy Rainbow, told the Chronicle, "In these exciting times of multi million multi media tie ups WebSpin decided that it was time to get a cut."
Google commented, "On behalf of everyone at Google, it is our pleasure to welcome you to the Google family."

It is expected that the venture will increase the Contortium's liquidity no end and Chief Financial Officer, Markus Trawler, was ecstatic when we contacted him yesterday, "Can you imagine what this will do for our ratios? Of course we will have to rewrite all our spreadsheets but what the hell!"

google

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No Fools In Wymsey:
Once again the village of Wymsey will not be participating in the cruel practice of misleading or making fools of people on April Fools Day. This newspaper supports the campaign to make April 1st International No Joke Day.

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April 21st
Missing Expert Calls
But Not Home:

Pookah, Irene's sister, the travel agent. Famous authority Irene de Mandible this week called in from an internet cafe in the middle of America, with only $5 and unsure as to exactly which town or State she was in Irene De Mandible appeared to be relaxed and untroubled by her situation. "I'm just off to see if I can get a pizza with my last $5. Can please try to make contact with my sister Pookah," She told us.

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Wymsey Vegetarians
In US Cleanup:

Wymsey Vegetarians, Ethel M & Bertram B Nails yesterday announced their intention to visit Briarhop Corners, Ohio as part of their avowed intention of cleaning up the world. "We have seen reports about their town pond which is a threat to the continuance of life on this planet. We intend to clean up over there." Mrs nails told out reporter.


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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Did you miss me then? Ha ha, I was camping out in me chicken house to make sure no one played one of them April Fools on me - did the trick I can tell you. The Editor was not best pleased - threatened me he did - said he would chuck me out column and all and I had better knuckle down smartish like. And that Vera Snodging, her with the gin, she's got one massive sulk on - not that I begrudges the old sot, oh no. If you can't have a good sulk at her age then life ain't worth the effort is what I says.

It was good fun to spend a couple of days camping out with me hens - fascinating lives those beauties live I can tell you. All that clucking and sitting on eggs makes you think about the purpose of it all, puts all that dashing around to make a buck into perspective. So if you've got some hens then you wants to try it out sometime.

Well, this it then - Easter - no more excuses, you just gotta get out there and start all that digging, planting and make visits to those flaming garden centres. Makes me sick they do, all perfect plants what dies as soon as you introduces them to your back garden. And silly stone statues of little Greek boys peeing - that really gets my goat. If you wants water in your garden just use a tap and can and a water butt down the bottom like what I does.

It is plea sent to note that a whole year of Sam's columns have recently been published by
The Slackville Papers an internet web site that specialises in such things.


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May 15th
Wymsey Slammed
Over Fish Story:

Montantrum Bionics PLC this week hit out at our recent report concerning the breeding of monster salmon at the Company's Basingstoke Engineering and Seed Trial Site (BEASTS). "Once again your newspaper has maliciously misrepresented our triumph and our intentions. Your attitude to this Company might, in some circles, be construed as industrial sabotage." Dr. Peter Pryon said, "We are consulting our lawyers."

big fish
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Wymsey Vegetarians
Undercover In Ohio:

The Nails Ethel M & Bertram B Nails yesterday telephoned from Briarhop Corners, Ohio, "We're in a phone booth on Highway 71, they don't know we're here. This place confirms our worst fears, such goings on have to be seen to be believed. These people have no respect for anything. We intend to clean them up. Right now we have to go as there's some scruffy individual knocking on the door and he has a shotgun."


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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Well then, I'm sitting here by me fire looking out of the window at the falling rain - started on the 1st of April and hasn't stopped since. Loves it I do, keeps me out of the garden it does though I has to put on me wellies and let out me hens - makes me smile they do, they stands at the door of the hen house and grumble all day.

I always said that them Contortium people were short of a thing or two but their latest has got me laughing and no mistake. Seems some one told them that we used to have Great Speckled Birds in the village. So off they goes without regard to sense looking for these creatures. Well, they should have asked me about the Great Speckled Bird but oh no they knows best and back they come with a big bag of nothing. Silly twerps.

It is plea sent to note that a whole year of Sam's columns have recently been published by
The Slackville Papers an internet web site that specialises in such things.

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June 9th
It's WymFest 2000!
WymFest 2000 Festival time approaches! Once again, WymFest (August 11th, 12th & 13th) promises to be bigger and better than ever with many unique attractions, from the Aardvark Owners Club to the Zeitgeist Girls Pipe Band villagers and visitors can expect the best weekend of their lives. Local attractions include the Wymsey Male incline Pavement Dance Team and the renowned Wymsey Champion Square Dancers. Top of the bill at Saturday's all night WymseyBash will be seventies icon Rampling Dan Dither.

Other attractions include helicopter rides, air-sea rescue demonstrations, The Air Force Pipe Band from RAF Watchester, Berty Transom's Dancing Elephants and the Tomatoshoe Traveling Facilities. This year's Festival is sponsored by UWAT FM, Dah Dits Cough Drops, Armitage Shanks and the Wymsey Chronicle. See the current edition of the Chronicle.


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Tomatoshoe To Provide
The Facilities:

Visit Tomatoshoe Amid fears of in- adequate provisions following last year's horrendous queues, Armitage I Shanks of Tomatoshoe Traveling Facilities assured Wymsey that there would be no such problems during WymFest 2000. He told the Chronicle that their fleet of composting toilets would ensure the safety of the environs, "We have many men-years of involvement in this stuff and villagers should ignore the rumblings of certain American so-called environmentalist s who are probably Baptist spoil sports."

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Counseling
Will Be Available:

Dr Ben BeculaRenowned Jungian Dr Ben Becula has undertaken to provide on the spot counseling at this year's WymFest after a number of people were overwhelmed at WymFest 99. He will be pitching his tent (candy striped) under the old oak tree on the Green (right outside the Crown & Thorns). "As a newcomer to the village, I am keen to do my bit," Dr Becula told us.


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Inca Gods Fly In:

sungods Direct from their storming success in Turkistan Andean traditional mummers, Otca Andes, landed this week at RAF Watchester and quickly set up camp on Wymsey Hill. It is usual for the group to arrive a couple of months before a performance, their manager Gergio Boliviar told the Chronicle, "The boys have to settle in and feel at home before they can perform at their best."
Inca Gods' Mothers cook lunch
As usual they have brought their mothers with them to ensure that they are properly fed.


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July 11th
WymFest 2000
Damage Claim

WymFest 2000 A critic of Wymfest 2000 has claimed that mass ablutions will cause lasting damage to the environs. B. Biggs, a marriage counsellor, has taken to putting up posters on the Parish Notice Board to this effect. Chairperson of the Parish Council, Gordon deStompe told the Chronicle, "We have no idea who this fellow is, he's not from around here but we suspect that he is an associate of Julius Blaah"

A spokesperson for Tomatoshoe, who are supplying the facilities, commented, "We have many men-years of involvement in this stuff and if anyone can provide the necessary it's us. The people of Wymsey should have no fear of being overwhelmed, the environs will be safe in our hands."


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Oriental Tofu Shame:
Vigorous Australian campaigner, Phyllis Euglena, in her regular newsletter from down there, this week sent news that will grab at Village heartstrings. tofu hunters on Mount Fuji She writes, "While its Wymsey cousin roams free in the woods, the Japanese tofu is limited to ever-shrinking areas of natural habitat and regularly culled for so-called "scientific research", which involves being sliced up and sold in shops for exorbitant amounts of money. This is in blatant disregard of the International Tofu Commission regulations, which bans the killing of tofu except where it forms a significant part of the traditional diet."

We encourage readers to make known their feelings to the ITC ( itc@tofu.com and the Japanese Cultural Mission & Sake Parlour, Watchester. You might also like to contact Lily Thud of TofuWatch UK (thurd@tofuwatch.co.uk ).

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Down Our Lane
with Sam

Community Radio - what next I says, darn me if they don't ring me up and says will I do a spot on their morning show what's called 'Wymsey Ways' seeing as I was a rural expert and all. Makes me laugh that does - every darn fool's an expert these days. I says to the woman, I says she should have Vera Snodging on what with her being an expert at falling over. Talking of Vera, she not so pleasant these days - seems like the gin used to keep her dark side down. Funny how some people turn nasty when they stop drinking.

Well, the rain stopped this week for three days - strange it was - but it's back again. Me watercress is coming on fine bet your's is too.

Heard from me other sister, her what lives in north London, this week. Seems she wants to bury the axe and forgive me over the French Beef War what with Wymsey being pro-French and all. We all know about them gestures from north London and we all knows what them besuited smoothies can do with them.


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Contact the Wymsey Chronicle
April 1st.
Livingstone
Ignores Wymsey:

Ken for London Mayor, no jonnies in suits! Despite fraternal greetings and messages of support ex-Labour party member and candidate for Mayor of London Ken Livingstone MP has pointedly ignored Wymsey. As one villager put it, "We are a bit upset but I expect he's very busy." And, as another said, "We've been ignored by all the other candidates so why take it out of Ken, he's the only one of them that likes newts which counts for a lot with me."

The Chronicle says:"Go get 'em Ken!"


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Local Company In
Olympics Shock:

It was with justifiable pride that local company Dah Dits announced this week that, against stiff competition, it has been chosen as the official supplier of cough drops to the 2000 Olympic Games in Sidney, Australia.

"This a great boost," boasted Dah Dits spokeswoman, Sharon Quicksilver, "it means we can carry the Olympic logo on our products." The Chronicle understands that the Sidney Games logo consists of a line of five wallabies holding paws who at this very moment are being turned in to a major cartoon by Disney © .


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One Hundred Years Ago:
The Wymsey Chronicle, April 1st, 1900

New Labour Party: Kier Hardy in WymseyWymsey Parish Hall was full to overflowing as farm labourers and treacle miners listened spellbound to Kier Hardy on Friday last week. "We will bring into being an era in which the working man will be able to come into his own. The end to poverty, lack of education and opportunity for all British men, women and children. The road will be long and hard but in the year 2000 citizens will be incredulous upon hearing such a things as poverty and ignorance ever existed." Mr Hardy told his audience.

Watchester Assizes: Magistrates sentenced Sir Garston Chumply, of Church Lane Wymsey, to 14 days imprisonment, suspended, for causing the death of farm labourer James Henry Trindle. Sir Garston Chumply had employed Trindle to carry a red flag and to walk ahead of him as Chumply drove through the village in his automobile. Sir Garston lost control of his dastardly mechanism which proceeded to flatten the unfortunate Trindle.

Telephonic Chagrin: The General Post Office announced this week that the Parish Council will have no say in whether or not telephonic apparatus is installed in the village.


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April 21st
Cough Drops Shipped:
Dah Dits of Wymsey this week announced that they had made their first shipment of cough drop to the Olympic Committee in Sidney, Australia. "We sent 100 pounds each of our cherry, menthol, cola, spinach, catnip and turnip flavours by Concorde so that they would arrive in perfect condition," spokeswoman, Sharon Quicksilver, said.

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Montantrum PLC
Spawns Monster:

big fish Montantrum Bionics this week announced that they had successfully created a new breed of salmon that will grow to a length of thirty feet in six months when fed with MontanFishmeal ©. The giant salmon was developed at the Basingstoke breeding grounds by adding giraffe genes to conventional Atlantic salmon after the Company decided to get out of modified maize.

A spokesperson for Montantrum Bionics told the Chronicle, "We are only in this for the good of humanity. A third world family of six could live off one our fish for six months. Our fish will integrate seamlessly with the natural world and poses no threat to anything."

Ethel M Nails of Wymsey Vegetarians commented, "Here we go again. Another male obsession that will threaten the planet's stability, once one of these monsters gets into the wild that's it as far as I can tell. Not many people would want to take issue with a thirty foot salmon."

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May 15th
Parish Election,
No Surprises:

NoNomesNohow, sic.Despite the frantic attempts of Julius Blaah and his supporter the results of the Wymsey Parish Election was very much as expected. Ex-councilor Blaah received a remarkable drumming when results showed that only 6 villagers had voted for him. Most people assumed that these six were all related to Blaah.

The NNN party retained all it's seats with an average of 7% increase in votes, turnout was 97 per cent. Parish Council Chairman Gordon deStompe told the Chronicle, "We are very happy with our results, it confirms our mandate and shows overwhelmingly that Wymsey wants the kind of things that we are implementing.


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Cough Drops Save Sidney:
An unseasonal outbreak of dry sore throats this week threatened to undermine final preparations for the Olympic Games in Sidney, Australia. Thankfully, the first shipment of Wymsey's Dah Dits cough drops had arrived and were quickly dispensed by Dr Shirley Sockwater, top Olympic physiotherapist. "Without your Dah Dits we would have been in a fine mess, it's fair to say that without Dah Dits there would have been no Olympic Games."

Kevin Downside, Mayor of Sidney, sounded relieved when the Chronicle spoke to him, "Yea, they were just what the doctor ordered, ha ha. I'm planning to give those Dah Dits the freedom of the City when everything calms down. From now on I shall swear by them."


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One Hundred Years Ago:
The Wymsey Chronicle, May 26th, 1900

No Picture of Queen: The Board of the Wymsey & District Chronicle announced yesterday that they would not carry a picture of Her Majesty Queen Victoria, Empress of India, on the occasion of her birthday. The Chairman of the Board, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, said, "One has to avoid the possibility of such a picture being seen by an agricultural worker with his hat on."

Election News:Local politics were thrown into disarray when two candidates of the new Labour Party were elected to the Parish Council. Local Tory and Chairman of the parish Council, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, commented, "I fear where this will end, we are witnessing the end of 150 years of consensus, the end of a system that has suited us very well, the end of an order in which the agricultural worker knew his place and was kept in it. Those meddling socialists have opened Pandora's box."

The Courts:Kitchen maid, Susannah Kalinthrop was this week bound over to keep the peace for one year after being found guilty of behaviour likely to offend her betters on May 1st this Year. Kalinthrop, employed as a maid at the Breaches, had spent that day Maypole dancing and drinking strong liquor until 10pm. She then tied herself to the railings outside the Parish Hall and when approached by Constable Steadfastworthy claimed that she was one of the Lord's sunbeams and should only have to work five days a week, be able to vote and own property. She quietened when the good Constable sluiced her with cold water. Chairman of the Magistrates, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, passing judgment told Kalinthrop, "You are a disgrace to your sex, motherhood and the British Empire. If it was up to me I would send you and your socialist friends to the Colonies."


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June 9th
Rainy Night In Georgia?
A state of emergency was recent announced in Atlanta, Georgia, where it has not rained for forty days and forty nights. Wymsey has many friends in the dry city where everyone is going around with their tongue hanging out, so villagers are invoking the Dunkirk Spirit in order to come to their aid.
down town Atlanta

Each villager has been asked to donate a litre bottle of mineral water and the Parish Council have kindly allowed the Village Hall to be used as a collection point. RAF Watchester has agreed to make daily mercy flights to Atlanta. aid for Atlanta They plan to fly in low and drop the bottles so that the suffering citizens can catch them and quench their thirst. Group Captain Gordon 'Chucks Away' Baring-Strait told the Chronicle, "It's the least we can do for our American cousins after what they did in World War Two, if they hadn't got that German submarine and obtained the Enigma machine where would we be now?"

C R Ratkisser Local Citizen, C R Ratkisser (right) commented, "Thank goodness for Wymsey, I don't think it will ever rain here again, it's all the fault of those darn Baptists if you ask me."

Wymsey small holder and pig breeder, Leslie Smith said yesterday, "Let them drink Coke."


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Elephants For Wymsey:
see the dancing elephants
Bertie Transom's world famous dancing elephants will be performing at WymFest 2000, villagers will be entranced as these enormous creatures delicately step through the modern ballroom repertoire. They will also perform traditional Thai folk dance.

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Dissident Voice
Bemoans Festival:

Only one voice was this week spoiling the excitement and anticipation as WymFest 2000 approaches, sure enough it was that of ex-parish councilor, failed European Parliament candidate and advocate of genetic modification, Julius Blaah. He told the Chronicle, "This is just another example of the craziness that has descended upon this godforsaken village. Who's going to pay for the cleanup after this insane circus has left town? Jonnie Taxpayer that's who - you and me chum. When is this village going to realise that it is continually electing a bunch of old hippies and geriatrics whose particular brand of anarchy defies definition."


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July 11th
Radio For Wymsey!
This week the WebSpin Management Contortium announced the creation of Wymsey Community Radio. Wymsey's new station
This RealAudio enhancement to the village will bring news, views, interviews, local interest features and the shipping forecast to the environs, it will be station policy to encourage villagers and visitors to contribute to the station. Visit the WCR homepage for a preview.

Station Manager, Susie Sorrel, was in an excited frame of mind when we spoke to her this week. Susie Sorrel, WCR Station Manager"We are very excited about this project, we have a great team and everyone is raring to go. Personally, after ten years I was getting a little tired of hospital radio, all that illness and sickly little kids with one-armed teddy bears and snotty noses. WCR promises to be very different and besides the only other offer I've had was as an announcer on Radio Dartmoor Prison."

The Chronicle understands that WCR will on go air, after trials, in mid-July.


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No Pews Left!
Visit Gordon's Chapel EmporiumParish Chairperson and owner of Gordon's Chapel Emporium which sells organic vegetables and old chapel fittings, Gordon deStompe, was ecstatic this week when he rang to tell the Chronicle that he had just sold the last of 300 six foot Victorian pews. "That's a pewage of 1800 feet in two years, in terms of pew poundage that's 22,500 per annum or 81 million footpounds sterling in total. Whatever way you put it I've certainly moved a few pews in the past couple of years. I doubt if I will be so lucky with the 500 hymn books though."

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UWAT FM DJ MC Mike
Welcomes WCR:

UWAT FM DJ MC Mike.Watchester base campus radio station UWAT FM this week welcomed the arrival of Wymsey Community Radio. "The more the merrier," said DJ MC Mike, "we're not exactly in the same grove man. It's cool, you know what I mean."

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Dissident Voice Bemoans
Community Radio:

Only one voice was this week spoiling the excitement and anticipation at the announcement of Wymsey Community Radio, sure enough it was that of ex-parish councilor, failed European Parliament candidate and advocate of genetic modification, Julius Blaah.

He told the Chronicle, "This is just another example of the craziness that has descended upon this godforsaken village. Who needs another darn radio station pumping out continuous codswallop. Who's going to pay for this new nonsense? Jonnie Taxpayer that's who - you and me chum. When is this village going to realise that it is continually electing a bunch of old hippies and geriatrics whose particular brand of anarchy defies definition."


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Not Sungods Shock Claim:
Dr Ben Becula"Utter tosh!" claimed renowned Jungian Dr Ben Becula, recent Wymsey resident, when he read about the arrival of Andean mummers the Otca Andes. "These are just young lads having a good time dressing up and dancing at the expense of UNICEF. Psychologically speaking, it's very good for their animas but as authentic Inca ritual I'd say that their pedigree is somewhat dubious. Besides I'd hazard a guess that anyone would go down big in Turkistan - I know I did in 1977."

sungods


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