Ms de Mandible's frequent deliberations at Parish Meetings and, indeed, her numerous colourful posters on the Parish Notice Board give no true insight into her state of mind or to where she might have gone.

In a recent interview with The Urly Bird, given only days before her absence was detected, Irene was very much her usual self and, so far, it has proven impossible to glean any clues from what was, otherwise, an enlightening article.

Villagers are asked to contact the Chronicle if they have any information that may help in the locating of a much missed lady.

It is expected that the venture will increase the Contortium's liquidity no end and Chief Financial Officer, Markus Trawler, was ecstatic when we contacted him yesterday, "Can you imagine what this will do for our ratios? Of course we will have to rewrite all our spreadsheets but what the hell!"

Wymsey Vegetarians, Ethel M & Bertram B Nails yesterday announced their intention to visit Briarhop Corners, Ohio as part of their avowed intention of cleaning up the world. "We have seen reports about their town pond which is a threat to the continuance of life on this planet. We intend to clean up over there." Mrs nails told out reporter.

It was good fun to spend a couple of days camping out with me hens - fascinating lives those beauties live I can tell you. All that clucking and sitting on eggs makes you think about the purpose of it all, puts all that dashing around to make a buck into perspective. So if you've got some hens then you wants to try it out sometime.

Well, this it then - Easter - no more excuses, you just gotta get out there and start all that digging, planting and make visits to those flaming garden centres. Makes me sick they do, all perfect plants what dies as soon as you introduces them to your back garden. And silly stone statues of little Greek boys peeing - that really gets my goat. If you wants water in your garden just use a tap and can and a water butt down the bottom like what I does.

It is plea sent to note that a whole year of Sam's columns have recently been published by
The Slackville Papers an internet web site that specialises in such things.

Ethel M & Bertram B Nails yesterday telephoned from Briarhop Corners, Ohio, "We're in a phone booth on Highway 71, they don't know we're here. This place confirms our worst fears, such goings on have to be seen to be believed. These people have no respect for anything. We intend to clean them up. Right now we have to go as there's some scruffy individual knocking on the door and he has a shotgun."

I always said that them Contortium people were short of a thing or two but their latest has got me laughing and no mistake. Seems some one told them that we used to have Great Speckled Birds in the village. So off they goes without regard to sense looking for these creatures. Well, they should have asked me about the Great Speckled Bird but oh no they knows best and back they come with a big bag of nothing. Silly twerps.

It is plea sent to note that a whole year of Sam's columns have recently been published by
The Slackville Papers an internet web site that specialises in such things.

Other attractions include helicopter rides, air-sea rescue demonstrations, The Air Force Pipe Band from RAF Watchester, Berty Transom's Dancing Elephants and the Tomatoshoe Traveling Facilities. This year's Festival is sponsored by UWAT FM, Dah Dits Cough Drops, Armitage Shanks and the Wymsey Chronicle. See the current edition of the Chronicle.

Renowned Jungian Dr Ben Becula has undertaken to provide on the spot counseling at this year's WymFest after a number of people were overwhelmed at WymFest 99. He will be pitching his tent (candy striped) under the old oak tree on the Green (right outside the Crown & Thorns). "As a newcomer to the village, I am keen to do my bit," Dr Becula told us.

Direct from their storming success in Turkistan Andean traditional mummers, Otca Andes, landed this week at RAF Watchester and quickly set up camp on Wymsey Hill. It is usual for the group to arrive a couple of months before a performance, their manager Gergio Boliviar told the Chronicle, "The boys have to settle in and feel at home before they can perform at their best."

As usual they have brought their mothers with them to ensure that they are properly fed.

A spokesperson for Tomatoshoe, who are supplying the facilities, commented, "We have many men-years of involvement in this stuff and if anyone can provide the necessary it's us. The people of Wymsey should have no fear of being overwhelmed, the environs will be safe in our hands."

We encourage readers to make known their feelings to the ITC ( itc@tofu.com and the Japanese Cultural Mission & Sake Parlour, Watchester. You might also like to contact Lily Thud of TofuWatch UK (thurd@tofuwatch.co.uk ).

Well, the rain stopped this week for three days - strange it was - but it's back again. Me watercress is coming on fine bet your's is too.

Heard from me other sister, her what lives in north London, this week. Seems she wants to bury the axe and forgive me over the French Beef War what with Wymsey being pro-French and all. We all know about them gestures from north London and we all knows what them besuited smoothies can do with them.

The Chronicle says:"Go get 'em Ken!"

"This a great boost," boasted Dah Dits spokeswoman, Sharon Quicksilver, "it means we can carry the Olympic logo on our products." The Chronicle understands that the Sidney Games logo consists of a line of five wallabies holding paws who at this very moment are being turned in to a major cartoon by Disney © .

New Labour Party: Wymsey Parish Hall was full to overflowing as farm labourers and treacle miners listened spellbound to Kier Hardy on Friday last week. "We will bring into being an era in which the working man will be able to come into his own. The end to poverty, lack of education and opportunity for all British men, women and children. The road will be long and hard but in the year 2000 citizens will be incredulous upon hearing such a things as poverty and ignorance ever existed." Mr Hardy told his audience.

Watchester Assizes: Magistrates sentenced Sir Garston Chumply, of Church Lane Wymsey, to 14 days imprisonment, suspended, for causing the death of farm labourer James Henry Trindle. Sir Garston Chumply had employed Trindle to carry a red flag and to walk ahead of him as Chumply drove through the village in his automobile. Sir Garston lost control of his dastardly mechanism which proceeded to flatten the unfortunate Trindle.

Telephonic Chagrin: The General Post Office announced this week that the Parish Council will have no say in whether or not telephonic apparatus is installed in the village.

A spokesperson for Montantrum Bionics told the Chronicle, "We are only in this for the good of humanity. A third world family of six could live off one our fish for six months. Our fish will integrate seamlessly with the natural world and poses no threat to anything."

Ethel M Nails of Wymsey Vegetarians commented, "Here we go again. Another male obsession that will threaten the planet's stability, once one of these monsters gets into the wild that's it as far as I can tell. Not many people would want to take issue with a thirty foot salmon."

The NNN party retained all it's seats with an average of 7% increase in votes, turnout was 97 per cent. Parish Council Chairman Gordon deStompe told the Chronicle, "We are very happy with our results, it confirms our mandate and shows overwhelmingly that Wymsey wants the kind of things that we are implementing.

Kevin Downside, Mayor of Sidney, sounded relieved when the Chronicle spoke to him, "Yea, they were just what the doctor ordered, ha ha. I'm planning to give those Dah Dits the freedom of the City when everything calms down. From now on I shall swear by them."

No Picture of Queen: The Board of the Wymsey & District Chronicle announced yesterday that they would not carry a picture of Her Majesty Queen Victoria, Empress of India, on the occasion of her birthday. The Chairman of the Board, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, said, "One has to avoid the possibility of such a picture being seen by an agricultural worker with his hat on."

Election News:Local politics were thrown into disarray when two candidates of the new Labour Party were elected to the Parish Council. Local Tory and Chairman of the parish Council, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, commented, "I fear where this will end, we are witnessing the end of 150 years of consensus, the end of a system that has suited us very well, the end of an order in which the agricultural worker knew his place and was kept in it. Those meddling socialists have opened Pandora's box."

The Courts:Kitchen maid, Susannah Kalinthrop was this week bound over to keep the peace for one year after being found guilty of behaviour likely to offend her betters on May 1st this Year. Kalinthrop, employed as a maid at the Breaches, had spent that day Maypole dancing and drinking strong liquor until 10pm. She then tied herself to the railings outside the Parish Hall and when approached by Constable Steadfastworthy claimed that she was one of the Lord's sunbeams and should only have to work five days a week, be able to vote and own property. She quietened when the good Constable sluiced her with cold water. Chairman of the Magistrates, Sir Henry Julius Blaah, KGB, passing judgment told Kalinthrop, "You are a disgrace to your sex, motherhood and the British Empire. If it was up to me I would send you and your socialist friends to the Colonies."

Local Citizen, C R Ratkisser (right) commented, "Thank goodness for Wymsey, I don't think it will ever rain here again, it's all the fault of those darn Baptists if you ask me."

Wymsey small holder and pig breeder, Leslie Smith said yesterday, "Let them drink Coke."

Only one voice was this week spoiling the excitement and anticipation as WymFest 2000 approaches, sure enough it was that of ex-parish councilor, failed European Parliament candidate and advocate of genetic modification, Julius Blaah. He told the Chronicle, "This is just another example of the craziness that has descended upon this godforsaken village. Who's going to pay for the cleanup after this insane circus has left town? Jonnie Taxpayer that's who - you and me chum. When is this village going to realise that it is continually electing a bunch of old hippies and geriatrics whose particular brand of anarchy defies definition."

Station Manager, Susie Sorrel, was in an excited frame of mind when we spoke to her this week. "We are very excited about this project, we have a great team and everyone is raring to go. Personally, after ten years I was getting a little tired of hospital radio, all that illness and sickly little kids with one-armed teddy bears and snotty noses. WCR promises to be very different and besides the only other offer I've had was as an announcer on Radio Dartmoor Prison."

The Chronicle understands that WCR will on go air, after trials, in mid-July.

Only one voice was this week spoiling the excitement and anticipation at the announcement of Wymsey Community Radio, sure enough it was that of ex-parish councilor, failed European Parliament candidate and advocate of genetic modification, Julius Blaah.

He told the Chronicle, "This is just another example of the craziness that has descended upon this godforsaken village. Who needs another darn radio station pumping out continuous codswallop. Who's going to pay for this new nonsense? Jonnie Taxpayer that's who - you and me chum. When is this village going to realise that it is continually electing a bunch of old hippies and geriatrics whose particular brand of anarchy defies definition."