The Archive, September - October 1999


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Wymsey Spy Uncovered:
the spy Mrs T "I only did it for the money," Claimed 93 year old widow Miriam Twain in response to revelations that she had for forty years passed confidential Parish Council papers to officials at County Hall. "I didn't want to make Wymsey a better place for our children to grow up in or any of that tosh. I can't recall what I gave them, my memory is not what it used to be."

Mrs Twain was secretary to the Parish Council from 1950 to 1990 and from 1975 onwards it is thought that she also passed dictaphone tapes to her controllers at Lympshire County Council. It would appear that single handed Mrs Twain held back the progress of the village to such an extent that even today many aspects of Wymsey are decidedly postwar.

A spokeswoman for Watchester Police told the Chronicle that the whole affair was in the hands of the security forces but that they expected to make an arrest soon. "She'll go down for this, no doubt. We would expect Twain to get upwards of 25 years, treason is a serious business. Parish Council leader Gordon deStompe commented, "I think she did us a favour, we should give Mildred the freedom of the village.

phone box Phone Booth Row Hits Wymsey:
Plans to erect a telephone booth in the centre of Wymsey has divided the village into those who want one and those who don't - voices were raised over the weekend in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns. As one local put it, "Who the hell is going to answer the dam thing when it rings in the middle of the night? Look at that one in the middle of the Mohave Desert it's ringing all the time. I heard that people camp out there just to answer it, well we don't want that happening here."

More prosaically, those in favour are falling out over the colour of the booth.
Who was Tuscan Crony?
Blaah & Vrony The picture of local ex-parish councilor and church warden, Julius Blaah which appeared in the last issue of the Chronicle has had tongues wagging in Wymsey. Who was Blaah walking with on the beach at sunset - not his wife who has very thin legs.

Current Chairman of the Parish Council, Gordon deStompe, commented, "I've always said that guy is sitting on Pandora's box."

We were unable to contact Julius Blaah and understand that he is in Belgium organising a multimedia tie-up between UWAT FM and Radio Walloon 97. Mrs Blaah refused to be interviewed or to show our reporter her legs.




Down Our Lane
with Sam

So, it's September at last - now we can have some damp dark mornings with mists rolling in from the sea - that what I likes. All that sunshine gets to me, has me blinking I can tell you.

What about that Edith Chompsky then, silly chump she is - got herself a goose. Should have got hens, them geese is too pushy by half. Poor old Vera Snodging won't go in there anymore so I has to get her pension of a Thursday.

What is it with all this spying stuff, get's my goat it does, I spend my whole life spying I do. It's what makes me life worthwhile, leaning on me gate and watching the goings on - not that I sells it to those blokies at County Hall or the them Chinese for that matter. Me, I always avoided that Miriam Twain after she went to the Girls High School - hotbed of diviance I can tell you.

So, did your tomatoes get the blight? I know mine did, dam rotten shame as I was planning to sun dry 'em and send 'em up to North London to pay for me Christmas shopping.
Lemon to Help New York?
lemon phone Lemon Communications announced this week that they were in talks with the Mayor of New York. "The poor man is in a dreadful panic over a few mosquitoes so we told him about the research ( see last weeks Chronicle ) mosquito that shows that our transmitters reduce the incidence of midges. Who knows, it might work for his mosquitoes too." We understand that the panic-stricken Mayor is keen to try anything that might rid the city of it's curse.

In a separate development Lemon announced that they were close to agreement with the Parish Council over the siting of a Lemon antenna on the Wymsey Millennium Water Tower, a spokesman intimated that it was the prospect of a midge-free village that finally persuaded reluctant Councilors (see past issues for the complete story).
October 17th
Triumph For Wymsey Sense:
It's a bad time to be genetically modified because no one wants you, it's even worse to be a company involved in such things as putting an boa gene into bindweed (it grows then crushes itself to death apparently). Montantrum Shares Shares in the bionics industry plummeted recently when a Bundesbank report said, "Sell, sell, sell."

Consumers don't want these products and even in the United States, which to date had embraced modified products like apple pie, shivers have been detected. US President, Bill Clinton, has begun to make noises about not taking consumers for granted ( will he stop accepting modified dollars, we wonder).

UK company Montantrum Bionics, inventors of the "slave" gene which has the same effect on farmers as the piper did on the rats of Hamlin, has seen it's quoted value fall by twenty per cent in the past three weeks. UK food processors and manufacturers unwilling to commit suicide are falling over themselves to reject genetically modified raw materials.

So, once again, Wymsey has been in the vanguard. Local Farmer and Chronicle reporter, Charlie Stebbings told us, "It's one in the eye for Julius Blaah and his fellow techno-zombies. I'd put the whole lot of them in my methane-digester given half a chance."
Pigeon Fanciers Attack Mobile Phones:
pigeon Wymsey pigeon racers are predicting the end of the ancient pastime as their birds increasingly fail to come home. "And that's a dog that won't hunt, look you," Chronicle reader, Welsh man and pigeon racer, Thomas 'Taf' Jones told us yesterday as he gazed through his double glazed sliding patio door to the empty pigeon loft at the bottom of his garden in Church Lane.

pigeon/phone graphMr Jones pointed to research carried out by Professor Justin Jones of the Institute of Avian Navigation at UCARD ( University of Cardiff ) which shows an almost direct relationship between the growth of mobile phone ownership and the incidence of lost racing pigeons. "Radio waves are renowned for their physiological effects." Professor Jones told the Chronicle.

A spokesperson for Lemon Communications, one of the Uk's major mobile communications providers told us, "We've seen the Professor's research and as far as we're concerned it's just a load of old graphs. In the same period nearly half of England's farmland has been put down to oil seed rape - what do you think all those yellow fields does to a pigeon's sense of direction?"

Celena Cornstook-Davis, spokeswoman for the Wymsey branch of the National Union of Farmers said, "That's right blame us, we're always the bottom line."
WebSpin Contortium Ready for Role:
WebSpin Contortium A spokesman for the WebSpin Contortium this week informed the Chronicle that they were watching developments in Wymsey with interest. "As an outpost of Lympshire Social Services we are at this moment attempting to ascertain our position with regard to a possible independent Wymsey. Our commitment to the Village is paramount and we are considering an employee buyout from LSS, we are aware that we have been a thorn in their collective sides for some time. We would be happy to take on the role of national carrier for an intendant Wymsey, we have the technology and expertise. In our opinion the only future role for the telecoms companies is as internet feeders and with our satellite feeds we are already independent of the UK phone system. With a computer in every Wymsey household internet telephony can replace the traditional phone system."

We understand that, in the event of independence, the Contortium would change it's name to the Wymsey Internet Management Providers (WIMPS).
ESI To Be University?
A spokeswoman for the Earnest Stuffe Institute told the Chronicle that the Institute would put itself at the disposal of the Parish Council should Wymsey declare independence. "We see ourselves as the new nation's seat of learning at the heart of education, research and development. Earnest has suggested that we should be known as the National University of Wymsey, NUWYM. He also offers to a free place at his upcoming seminar "In Place of This" to all members of the Parish Council.
Down Our Lane
with Sam

So, are things going too far too fast is what I'm asking myself, bet you are too. Like you I expect, I've read all that stuff in the Chronicle about Ohio, Finland and the rest of them places. I was reading somewhere that Finland has more vegetarians per head of population than it does people - makes you think, don't it. But, be that as it may, it's no reason for those jonnies at the Foreign Office to stick their suited oars in. It was them that did for Baden Powell and turned him funny.

I don't mind if we declare independence meself but I knows Vera Snodging is worried about the health service , says she has never been abroad and doesn't want to start having to go to a foreign hospital if she has an accident and what about her pension. So I tells her that if Wymsey joins the European Union then the British Government will still have to pay her and she won't have to pay for her hospital treatment. Anyway, as I told her, it's all talk at the moment.

Well, we've had the first frost, expect you have too, and that was the end of me courgettes - thank goodness, don't those dam things just keep coming. Don't you forget to turn that compost heap and cover it with a bit of old carpet - don't go using plastic, it won't be able to breathe and will turn into soggy silage.

Goose Guards Grocers:
goose on guard Recently divorced grocer and Wymsey Post Mistress Edith Chomsky, 55, was this week showing off her latest security device. "I tried marriage but after a couple of months began to miss being Miss Chomsky so I got divorced and a goose called Gregory to guard the takings. She's a great honker and of an evening relaxes in the armchair my ex-husband used."

A Post Office spokesman commented, "We don't have a view on this one, as long as the mail gets through it really is up to Miss Chomsky as to how she replaces her ex-husband."





Uncle Trevor Famous Explorer Retires to Wymsey
After a lifetime spent exploring the nether regions of the planet, Trevor Mornington-Crescent this week announced his intention of spending his retirement in the village. Mornington-Crescent, 87, is a well known on five continents for his fearless treks across unknown territory and when looking for somewhere to put down roots Wymsey was the obvious choice. "I need unpredictability in order to thrive and from what I've seen so far going out of the front door will be an adventure here."

Trevor Mornington-Crescent will be well known to users of the World Wide Web where his advice column "Ask Uncle Trevor" was sorely missed when he went walkabout in 1988. "That trip was my last major expedition and I feel that I've been everywhere worth going so I'm going to write my memoirs and dish a little advice on occasion." We are very pleased to announce that Uncle Trevor has agreed to write his advice column for the Wymsey Weekend.



onion1000 Liars Of The Onion?
"I saw it somewhere, on a record cover I think, and was intrigued." Lively 97 year old Larry "the Lad" Bullfinch explained to the Chronicle when we visited him at Tulip Cottage in Church Lane. "So I started my own bit of research and began to count onion layers, I did it using the ring method which made counting easier. Obviously I had to go for the biggest examples and enlisted my friends at the Wymsey Growers Club. The largest onion I obtained was twelve inches in diameter and that had 289 layers which includes the outer skin."

This was the story we carried in our last issue and we have to say we were duped. It would appear that Larry Bullfinch, a retired cobbler, is renowned for his inventiveness. His wife, Ada, told us she was shocked to her extremities when she opened the Chronicle. "There he was on the front page with that dam onion, he hates onions he does. I never believe a word he says and now he's going gaga as well. Last week he told me he was in love with some newsreader on the television and wanted a divorce. It's all water off my back I can tell you," Ada told us.


Rotundian Sees Plucky Little Iceland Prepare For Winter:
Winter in Iceland Returning from a business trip to Iceland Bertie Transom, Chairman of the Wymsey Rotundians told the Chronicle how much he admired the way Icelanders prepared for winter.

"They cut lots of logs, get in loads of vodka and spare light bulbs. They really are rather plucky." Mr Transom's travel company specialises in trips to Iceland.


Corodos Slams Chronicle
FLC A spokesman for the government of the Pacific island Republic of Corodos, General Chico Corodos, this week warned the Chronicle, "We warn you leftist lackeys, keep that worm Spirito out of your messy paper or friends of ours will visit. The so called Corodos Liberation Front is a bunch of escaped convicts and hairdressers. They'd kill their own mothers if they weren't all deviant orphans." (See the last issue.)

Danio Es Spirito, of the FLC, told us via email, "That Chico is a nutcase, sure we all have mothers and we talk to them on our mobile phones at least once a week and some of us leave little messages to them on our revolutionary website. We have many friends in Cuba and Canada and many other places and they have mothers too."

Since being featured in the Wymsey Weekend the Island Republic of Corodos has become embroiled in a revolutionary uprising.
October 17th
Local Disgust As British Foreign Office
Slams Wymsey:

The British Foreign and Commonwealth Wealth Office has recently been leaning on the Wymsey Chronicle. In a letter a Mr Gerald Crankton-Jones told us, "We have a number of complaints from the embassies of a number of friendly countries, these include Belgium, Canada, Chile, Corodos, Finland, Iceland and the USA - including the states of Ohio, Arkansas and Colorado. These complaints all refer to your internet based newspaper - the Wymsey Chronicle - and it's provocative content .

In the friendliest way possible, we suggest that you and your staff take a holiday - we think that it would be good for you and the international relations of Her Majesty's Government."

Local reaction has been swift and emphatic with calls for Wymsey to leave the British Commonwealth and unilaterally declare independence. Chairman of the Parish Council, Gordon deStompe, has indicated that he would be happy to be President of the Republic of Wymsey if that was what the people wanted. "We don't need this kind of interference from the Government, we don't need the Government. The economic arguments for independence are overwhelming, without the overhead of UK taxation Wymsey would have a very high capita per head." It is understood that the Parish Council will discuss the possibility of a referendum at the next council meeting.

The Board of the Wymsey Chronicle this week indicated that it would be willing to become a national newspaper should the Republic of Wymsey become a reality.

Uncle Trevor Explorer Ambassador At Large?
Rumours were circulating this week to the effect that should Wymsey declare independence then famous explorer,Trevor Mornington-Crescent, would become ambassador At Large for Wymsey. It is felt that his experience of the world would be invaluable and makes him the natural choice.

Trevor Mornington-Crescent will be well known to users of the World Wide Web where his advice column "Ask Uncle Trevor" was sorely missed when he went walkabout in 1988. "That trip was my last major expedition and I feel that I've been everywhere worth going so I'm going to write my memoirs and dish a little advice on occasion." We are very pleased to announce that Uncle Trevor has agreed to write his advice column for the Wymsey Weekend.
Rotundians Split:
Wednesday evenings weekly meeting of the Wymsey Rotundians ended in uproar over the independence issue. Chairman and ex-Parish Councilor, Julius Blaah was livid at suggestions that the Rotundians should support the Parish Council. Pointing a finger at the portrait of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth hanging on the wall behind, Blaah shouted, "Traitors!" at the assembled members and began a painful rendition of the British national anthem. Many members were still experiencing fits of uncontrollable laughter as they entered the saloon bar of the Crown & Thorns where landlord Sam Toogood was enthusing about his future role as national brewer.


FLC Corodos Rebels Rally 'Round:
The Leader of the Corodos Liberation Front (FLC), Danio Es Spirito, this week emailed the Chronicle offices, "Greetings to the brave people of Wymsey in the their struggle," it read, "Thanks to our revolutionary web pages, with chat, we were quick to hear about the unseemly attack on your plucky village by the British Foreign Office. We've had dealings with those bugozzios I can tell you.

The struggling people of South Island, Corodos, are with you and thank you with hands on hearts for the support you have given us. Vive Wymsey, Vive Corodos!" (See the last issue.)

Since being featured in the Wymsey Weekend the Island Republic of Corodos has become embroiled in a revolutionary uprising.

lemon phone Lemon Withdraws Tower Offer:
Lemon Communications announced this week that they were withdrawing from talks with the Parish Council which were attempting to agree a price for putting an antenna on the Millennium Water Tower. "If the Company had realised that we were dealing with a bunch of rural anarchists we would never have got into talks with your Parish Council. Now we gather that you guys are planning a declaration of independence and, as a company, we can hold no truck with that.

Also, we have been bitterly hurt by the fact that no villagers own a mobile telephone and have no intention of getting one. What particularly stings is the fact that the whole village has embraced the internet whilst rejecting the real advantages of mobile telephony," Lemon local manager, Thomas T Trunkkall, told us when he phoned in reply to our email.

Wymsey Trains Ready:
Wymsey Trains logo A spokesperson for Wymsey Trains this week said that the Company was very excited about the possibility of becoming the national transport backbone should Wymsey declare independence. "The line is now ready for inspection by the Safety Executive and our first engine, The Wymsey Flyer, is undergoing final tests after it's refit. Our rolling stock has been painted British Racing Green but we will be more than happy to chance that if necessary. Service is expected to start on January Ist 2000 when we will be running a number Grand Opening New Years Day Excursions which will be free to residents of Wymsey and half-price to residents of Watchester."


Pub of the Year
Crown & Thorns
Wymsey 564788