The Archive, July - August 1999


Queen Mother Drops In:
Thursday lunchtime drinkers in the saloon bar of the Crown & Thorns were surprised by a Royal visitor. QM drinks a pint Her Majesty the Queen Mother stepped into the bar to quench her thirst. She was accompanied by her equery, the Honourable Sidney Jackson-Browne who guided her down the step before helping her onto a bar stool. Stunned and silent locals gaped as She downed a pint of Summer Stumper and smiled benignly around the bar. "We like it here." She remarked to landlord Sam Toogood.

It transpired that the QM was heading for the races at Newbury but her chauffeur accidentally left the M4 somewhere west of Reading and then maintained that he knew a shortcut.





Square Dancers' Summer Outing:
square dance Encouraged by the success of the Wymsey In-Line Pavement Dance Team, the Wymsey Champion Square Dancers have decided to make a comeback on this summers Dance Festival Scene. "I expect we will find things have changed a bit in the last thirty years but we've painted the gear and oiled the joints. In fact we oil the joints quite often." Leader, Graham Grindley told us. Pictured below: the Wymsey Champion Square Dancers receiving their knighthoods at Buckingham Palace in 1969.








Sara O'Hara Walks Out :
Village gossip has it that Sister Sara O'Hara was this week seen walking out with Parish Council Chairperson, Gordon deStompe. They were seen on Tuesday evening walking up Wymsey Hill together by local smallholder and pig breeder, Leslie Smithand as he said to us, "Take my word for it, there's more to this than meets the eye." Neither of the pair were willing to talk to the Chronicle.

Historical note: According to retired schoolmaster and local historian, John Applegate. Wymsey Hill has been a favourite spot for courting couples since prehistoric times. In fact, in prehistoric times it was popular for courting, having families, keeping cattle and fighting off invaders because that was the location of the original settlement.

Blaah On Board:
Ex-Parish Councilor, failed European Parliament candidate and local businessman, Julius Blaah this week was invited to join the UK Board of Montantrum Bionics PLC the company embroiled in dodgey genetic dealings (see past issues). It is understood that Ex-Councilor Blaah has also recently joined Lemon Communication as "Environmental Consultant" for the Country of Lympshire. Bertram B Nails, of Wymsey vegetarians, is quoted as saying, "Environmental Disaster, more likely."

Since being popularly removed from the local political arena Julius Blaah has been quietly building up his involvement in local commerce. Rumour has it that he recently acquired a 12 percent stake in UWAT FM although the station is being uncharacteristically quiet on this. The Chronicle assumes that this is due to concerns about audience share.

July 17th

Earnest Stuffe Upset At Chinese Ban:
Earnest StuffeThe 88th birthday celebrations for Earnest Stuffe were left in disarray after he was banned from entering the Peking Paradise in Jewel Street, Watchester on Wednesday evening. Manager of the Paradise, Dam Sang Floyd said that the party of twenty would have a negative effect on his other customers as last time anyone from the Earnest Stuffe Institute had dined there it had taken over an hour for them to order.

The party returned to Wymsey Manor Hall where they sang "Happy Birthday" as the cocoa was passed around. A spokesperson later told the Chronicle, "It was all very upsetting but Earnest took it well and we didn't sulk for very long. When you live as we do such minor blips pass as noticed as a pea at the bottom of a compost heap. We'll make up for it next year - universe willing."

Flora McFlora Flora To Enter Ms Wymsey Contest :
Within weeks of arriving in the village Flora Mac Flora of Clan McFlora , left, has surprised many villagers by announcing her intention to run in the Ms Wymsey Beauty Contest. Ms McFlora, 36, has already had a number of run-ins over her Glasgow Dingo breeding. (See last weeks article on this page.) "My dogs are always winning prizes, now I want one for me." she told us, "and I think that I'm in with a good chance."



Old Men In Shorts Herald Global Warming:
That, according to Professor Doreen Slaversnake - head of the Faculty of Fashion at the University of Watchester (UWAT), is one of the less pleasant effects of local climate change. "This is worse than men wearing white socks off the sports field," she told us, "as many of them are wearing black socks with sandals - they don't even roll them down, it looks as if they are out in their underwear,ugh!" Professor Slaversnake is funded by the European Commission to carry out research into the implications for fashion of global warming.

A spokesman for SandalWatch UK told the Chronicle, "Yea, we know what she means, it's pretty ghastly. We plan to issue guidelines but if they don't work we will lobby the European Parliament for legislation."

SandalWatch UK's guidelines will be based on those issued by the Greater Sydney Business Wear Alliance who suggest that: when wearing shorts only knee-length socks should be worn and then only with shorts that come to just above the knee. In this case shoes should be worn. When wearing shorts and sandals no socks should be worn. Sandals should not be mixed with business. Socks may be worn with sandals and full length trousers but they should match the trouser colour.

July 27th

Eye of Newt, Brain of Cow?
It was suggested this week that Montantrum Bionics employed three witches at their research facility in Scotland and that it was these three that gave us BBC disease (see previous issues of the Chronicle). Head of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester (UWAT), Professor Michael Field has been tracing the history of the disease and recently received a bulky file of papers entitled 'Project Hecate - Top Secret' which appears to have originated from Montantrum. "It's dynamite," Professor Field told us.

witchCarol Snearing -Jones of CowWatch UK commented, "I am inclined to give this credence, we all know that Montantrum will do anything to make a buck." Montantrum declined to comment.

Annie MacAnnie, of WitchWatch UK, commented, "Here we go again, they've had it in for us for centuries, curse them."



Local Woman Sounds Off Over Beauty Contest:
Lizzie Ex-punk singer, Lizzie Kallingthrop was fuming when she rang the Chronicle office last week, "I'm dam well fuming, I can tell you," she fumed, "What is it with you guys - a beauty contest in this day and age, it's not the 1950s. Well, I shan't be entering and anyone who does is a slave to male fantasy and deserves what they get. My sisters and I will not let this rest. Right now I have to get to the chemists before they close." Ms Kallingthrop comes from a family of four girls.

Parish Council Chairman, Gordon deStompe commented, "I tend to agree with Lizzie, who I know well, on this one but it's traditional and most people are happy to see it continue. If enough villagers feel different then we will hold a referendum on the issue."

Arkansas Academic Advises Wymsey:
Arkensas Prof. Professor Daryl "DeeDee" Donkins, head of the Faculty of Outdoor Activities at the University of Little Rock, Arkansas has proffered advice to eclipse watchers in Wymsey. "What you guys need is the Donkins Eclipse Viewer ©," he told the Chronicle. The Donkins viewer features a patented filter which ensures 100 per cent filtration over a wide spectrum from radio waves to x-rays. "With my viewer you are completely safe no matter what the eclipse chucks your way." But, we wondered, how would we be able to see the eclipse if his system was so effective. "Hell man, if you must see it then watch it on TV.

Readers who wish to obtain a pair of Donkins should email the Professor at deedee.outdoors@littlerock.ac.


Minor Royal to Unveil Water Tower:
Princess Julie Her Royal Highness Princess Juliet Battenberg, fourth cousin to Prince Edward and 472nd in succession to the throne has graciously agreed to unveil the Wymsey Water Tower on December 31st 1999. Her secretary, the Honourable Michael Jenkins Jenkins-Jones told the Chronicle, "The Princess is very excited about coming to Wymsey to be a part of the Village's Millennium Statement. She has long been an admirer of Wymsey and was at a loss as to what to do on New Years Eve so it looks like happy bunnies all round."

Princess Juliet of Basingstoke divides most of her time between her ranch in Arkansas and her villa on Corodos.




August 27th

"Slug Pellets Killed My Hamster":
Mrs Mary Twain was distraught when she spoke to us on Monday, "Snag-Snags was one of the family, I was giving him his daily exercise in the front garden when he disappeared under one of my hostas. After a few minutes I went to look for Snag-Snags and there he was, laying on his back, with his little feet in the air. I rushed him to the vets but he was dead on arrival. The vet found that his pouches were full of Get Umm slug pellets. A nice vet nurse made me a cup of tea. My hubby, Barry, said we should bury Snag-Snags in the hosta bed so I hit him."

A spokesman for Get Umm PLC of Watchester, told us, "It states quite clearly 'keep away from fish and pets', admittedly it does not mention family members - maybe we should consider it." He also said that they had offered Mrs Twain a free years supply of Get Umm.


Lemon Gets Midges? Lemon Phone

Researchers at the Lemon Institute of Neural Kinetics ( LINKS ) which is part of the Metropolitan University of Glasgow & Strathclyde ( MUGS ) have stumbled on an hitherto unknown by product of mobile telephone transmitting aerials. It would appear that there are no midges or mosquitos within 500 feet of transmitters. Senior Researcher, Dr Philip MacMac told us, "It's quite fantastic and seems to only apply to Lemon Communications' transmitters, my guess is that it is something to with the way they package their digits. We have only just begun to explore the implication of this, particularly for Scotland which is besieged with midges. Imagine, with Scotland divided into a 500 foot grid and at every intersection a Lemon transmitter - result, no midges in Scotland." And, we suggested, as a byproduct of that Lemon would have Scotland covered, vis a vis, the mobile phone. "Gosh, you're right, I never thought of that." Dr. MacMac replied.

See last weeks Chronicle for the details of Lemon's involvement with Wymsey.


Arkansas Academic Arrested:
Arkensas Prof. Professor Daryl "DeeDee" Donkins, head of the Faculty of Outdoor Activities at the University of Little Rock, Arkansas, has been charged with attempted Internet fraud involving Wymsey. Last week Donkins told the Village "What you guys need is the Donkins Eclipse Viewer ©." The Donkins viewer claimed "100 per cent filtration over a wide spectrum from radio waves to x-rays" and "With my viewer you are completely safe no matter what the eclipse chucks your way." It turns out that the wearer was not safe from what the viewer chucked her way though.

Suspicions were aroused when Mrs Sally Trundle went to her doctor complaining of a pain in the neck. Her doctor suffered a strain in his wrist when she handed him her Donkins viewer. It later transpired that the viewer, which is manufactured somewhere in the former Soviet Union is made from depleted uranium which is far heavier than lead.

Mrs Trundle, with neck support, was upbeat when we spoke to her, "I don't really mind about my glowing nose - it will save on the electric bill and should be a laugh at Christmas, if I make it.." The Chronicle understands that Donkins is in the hands of the Little Rock Police Department where he pleads ignorance and claims that he was just a middleman.

Team Prepare For Europe:
The Wymsey Male In-Line Pavement Dance Team were this week to be seen practising for the Pan Europe Outdoor Formation Dance Championships. Our team, led by Mr Gordon Chumpley, have been Regional Champions for the past three years and their competitive spirit is hardly matched except, perhaps, by the Bell Ringers.

As onlooker and world famous popular singer, Dan Dither commented, "Man, they are out of this world, what timing! I've never seen anything like that."


Lemon Deal On Tower On Table, Again: Lemon PhoneLemon Communications, one of the leading mobile phone companies, this week confirmed that their offer to the Parish of 60,000 over ten years in return for the Company being able to erect a transmitter antenna on top of the proposed water tower was back in play.

"We're ready to cut to the chase" said Thomas T Trunkkall, the Company's Area Manager, "it's up to your Parish Council to decide which way they are running. We are seeing exponential growth and we are keen to have your water tower be part of the paradigm."

Parish Council Leader, Gordon deStompe, told the Chronicle, "We will be discussing the Lemon offer at the next Tuesday's Council meeting. Not everyone is convinced that the Wymsey Water Tower should be part of a paradigm. In fact not a few people have no idea what a paradigm is."

What do you think? The Chronicle wants to hear what you feel about the Water Tower being part of the Lemon paradigm.


Glaswegian Dingo Breeder Upsets Almost Everyone :
Flora McFlora Within weeks of arriving in the village Flora Mac Flora of Clan McFlora , left, has upset many villagers with her spirited defense of the notorious Glaswegian Dingo ( see Readers Letters). Ms. McFlora intends to breed these creatures at her property in Church Lane and is campaigning to get the breed recognised by the Kennel Club of Great Britain.

Not everyone is perturbed by the arrival of Flora McFlora in Wymsey. mad dog Tofu hunter and Leader of the Pack, Major General Barking-Barking is quoted as saying, "Great dogs, they may be small but, by god, they pack a nifty set of teeth. Just what you need when fighting weasels. She sounds one hell of a gal, I hope she joins the tofu hunt we need more like her - too many soft bellies around here for my liking." Ms McFlora was unavailable for comment, the Chronicle gathers that she is on holiday with her kennel maker.
July 17th

No Panic Over Eclipse:
The upcoming total eclipse of the sun is unlikely to have the same effect in Wymsey as the last one did in 1896. On that occasion dogs howled, birds fell out of trees and alewives fell to their knees. The Reverend Eli Jenkins, of the Wymsey Chapel, predicted fires of hell preceded by the thirteen black riders of the pit of eternal damnation.

This time however the eclipse, on August 11th, will pass by without the slightest murmur of panic as it is occurring 200 miles south of the village.
Wymsey Train Nearer:
Wymsey Trains logo Wymsey Trains announced this week that it had obtained permission from Railtrack to link the proposed reconstructed Wymsey to Watchester line to the station at Watchester Junction. Company Engineer, Percy 'the jack' Parslow was in jubilant mood when he met our reporter, Charlie Stebbings, on Platform 1 at Watchester Junction. "Can you imagine it, this disused side of the platform will soon have a Wymsey destination board." Mr Parslow said that the Company hoped to purchase their first engine in the next month.

Some residents have expressed concern that the line will bring Wymsey closer to London and as one resident put it, "We don't want to end up like Southampton."




Total Eclipse Scandal:
Total Eclipse Feelings were running high this week as residents of Wymsey realized that they had been undersold in the up-coming Total Eclipse. On Wednesday, Dr Peter Pecker of the Department of Cosmology at UWAT revealed that Wymsey would only experience a 98 per cent eclipse. "There's nothing we can do about this," he told the Chronicle, "it's in the nature of the beast." But this was not good enough for the villagers, "They gave us BBC disease but claim they can't give us the Total Eclipse, I'm not convinced. If Arkansas got it in 1947 surely to goodness Wymsey should be able to have it in 1999." said one villager who preferred to remain anonymous.





Lemon Bites Back: Lemon Phone Lemon Communications this week announced that they were sitting on their offer of 60,000 and had no intention of moving. "We believe that our offer is generous and inline with similar arrangements countrywide. There is nothing that makes Wymsey different." A spokeswoman told us (see last weeks Chronicle). This last comment is likely to upset villagers who know otherwise.

A statement issued by the Parish Council indicated negotiations would proceed on the basis that Lemon needed Wymsey but that Wymsey could manage very well without Lemon. A quick straw poll on the streets of the Village indicated that no one in Wymsey had a mobile phone. "Why pay for brain damage that you can't drink, anyway if I want to contact some one I shouts," local pig breeder, Leslie Smith told our investigator.


Corodos Overwhelmed:
beach, Corodos Since being featured in the Wymsey Weekend the Island Republic of Corodos has been overwhelmed by potential visitors head of the Corodian Tourist Centre in Watchester, Bertram Georgio Corodos, informed the Chronicle. "We have been onslaughted with demands and I am having many troubles keeping up. People expect to fly there just like that and your Foreign Office is not being very helpful when people can't find us in their atlases, "Never heard of it." they say. Well, that is an insult to our glorious Country and it's Peoples. We have signed many international treaties and are members of many things. This all goes back to the time we refused British protection from the Spanish who were offering us protection from the Dutch who were offering us tulip bulbs and red rubbery cheeses."




Eclipse Ruined My Chance Of Love:
August 27th

dark A tearful Hetty Cloody, 17, related yesterday how her life had been totally ruined by the total eclipse of the sun on Wednesday. "I had arranged to meet Jonny Hedges on Wymsey Hill at 11.20, fancied him rotten I did - he's got this cute smile that makes me silly. So I'm up there looking out for him and it begins to get dark - in the middle of the day! I got scared at that, I can tell you,and rushed down the hill. I was in tears and shaking by the time I got home. And me mum she just laughs and says it was a total eclipse - well no one thought to tell me and I can't possibly face Jonny, he'll be livid. Proud, he is."

If you have a sad eclipse story the Chronicle wants to hear from you.







Down Our Lane
with Sam

As that poet chappy said, 'im what measured out his life in coffee spoons, "August is the silly month." and so it is, I can tell you. I cancels all me newspapers I do, just relies on the Chronicle which does try to keep up it's end up. But it did get me thinking - why do I bother to re-order them come September, well I shan't bother this year. I've been spending August leaning on me gate and pondering.

So, that there eclipse came and went but that do be in the nature of these things. Vera Snodging she went to bed at 11.20am, the poor old sot and came over to tell me that she had got up at daybreak - must have been about 11.25 - and said she was going to do it more often. Me, I was in the henhouse keeping an eye on me hens but none of them fell off the perch so I let them beauties out at 11.30 and they was blinking I can tell you.

Got a postcard from me nephew, Clarence, from that Edinburgh Festival - dam lovies do take themselves somewhat seriously as I sees it. Seems the dumbo is up there busking - according to his mum, that's me other sister Sienna, her what lives in North London, Clarence is good on animal sounds. Me, I can believe that. Not my cup of tea, is that.

So how's the garden then, had any blackberries? I have. Watch your drainage this month 'cos August is the rainy month - we measures it megagallons we does. Have you got then leeks out? I knows I have.


GORDON'S CHAPEL EMPORIUM

Only 68 pews left

Wymsey 362048

Blaah Catches Crabs In Tuscany:
Local ex-parish councilor and church warden, Julius Blaah was this week sunning himself with his business chums on a Tuscan beach. Blaah & VronyLocal police cleared the area of undesirables ( non-English speaking locals with buckets, spades and packed lunches). While Blaah played in the rock pools, he posed, laughing, for the media when it was discovered that his crab net had a hole in it. It later transpired that the press and police had mistaken Blaah for the British Prime Minister who is known to be holidaying in the area.





onion1000 Layers Of The Onion?

"I saw it somewhere, on a record cover I think, and was intrigued." Lively 97 year old Larry "the Lad" Bullfinch explained to the Chronicle when we visited him at Tulip Cottage in Church Lane. "So I started my own bit of research and began to count onion layers, I did it using the ring method which made counting easier. Obviously I had to go for the biggest examples and enlisted my friends at the Wymsey Growers Club. The largest onion I obtained was twelve inches in diameter and that had 289 layers which includes the outer skin."



Revolution In Corodos?
FLC Since being featured in the Wymsey Weekend the Island Republic of Corodos has become embroiled in a revolutionary uprising. The Corodos Liberation Front, which is based on the not so affluent South Island have taken up arms.

A government spokesman, General Chico Corodos, said, "Pah! Our glorious armed forces are not concerned about a few malcontents - they are just the fly in my rum. We, and the Pacific, have them surrounded. Anyway, they don't have mobile phones.

Danio Es Spirito, of the FLC, told us via email, "That Chico is a nutcase, sure we have the mobile phones and we talk to the satellites and soon we are having a website. We have many friends in Cuba and Canada and many other places too. In London we have friends and Italy too. Hey, my son, Danio Junior even has an email friend in Ohio, USA."

It seems that, once again, the promise of paradise has a sting in it's tail. When questioned over the safety of British Tourists, the Foreign office told the Chronicle that Corodos was not on their list of countries to be avoided, "It would come below Belgium, I guess, hang on." he came back a couple of minutes later to tell us, "Are you sure you got that name right, can't find on any of our lists." So be warned, if you do venture to Corodos better pack some aspirin.