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The Archive, June 1999


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Field Goes West to Save Monarch: monarchProfessor Michael Field, head of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester (UWAT), this week announced that monarchhe was leading an expedition to the mid-west of America in search of the ever decreasing catapillar of the Monarch Butterfly - the latest victim of genetically modified crops.monarch"Someone with authority has to get out there and bring back the truth," Professor Field told us, "otherwise the likes of Julius Blaah and Jackie Clayton will turn the whole country into a lifeless desert."monarchEx-Parish Councilor Blaah is standing in the up-coming European Parliamentary elections on a pro-genetic platform, his brother-in-law Jackie Clayton works for Montantrum Bionics Inc. (see right). monarch

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MC Mike Make Over Stirs Hornet's nest: UWAT FM DJ MC Mike's decision to take drastic action after being continually mistaken for American film director Woody Allen is on the edge of causing an international incident. A man in dark glasses with a South American accent forced his way into the offices of the Chronicle and accused us of impugning the good name and reputation of General Pinochet.

Resisting the impulse to laugh up his sleeve, the editor told his visitor that MC Mike was a DJ on UWAT FM and General Pinochet was , well, General Pinochet.

After protests to the Chilean Cultural and Wine Shop in Watchester the Chronicle was advised to lay low and put the chain on the door at night by the British Foreign Office.

The original controversy was sparked by a throw away remark from Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC). Professor Bee pointed out that MC Mike bore a striking resemblance to Woody Allen, (See past issues for the whole saga.)

The Chronicle was unable to contact Professor Bee, we were informed that she is on a Butterfly Identification Course in Arkansas while there are still some left to see.

mc mike Woody Allen pinochet

What do you think?


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banana add

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June 18th

Monarch Saver Lost In Missouri: monarch Professor Michael Field, head of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester (UWAT), failed to email monarchhome last week. He is leading an expedition to the mid-west of America in search of the ever decreasing catapillar of the Monarch Butterfly - the latest victim of genetically modified crops. monarchProfessor Field last checked in on June 1st from a bar in St Louis monarch but a spokesperson for the Earth Ecology Unit commented, "That's the Prof for you, he's probably got his head down and his magnifying glass out. Besides there's a lot to do in St. Louis." The Chronicle has learnt that Professor Field was accompanied by ex-super model monarch Julia St. Carlton Es Pernier. Miss St. Calton Es Pernier is not renowned for her interest in lepidoptery.


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No Gnome - It's Official:
On Wednesday, Wymsey Parish Council unceremoniously threw out the Wymsey Millennium Gnome amidst great cheering from the floor. (See the official No Nomes Nohow, sic, site for the complete story.) It was proposed, from a member of the public that either a gnome or image of ex councilor Julius Blaah should replace the Guy on the Annual Bonfire in November. After much giggling and snorting the Council decided that this was too tasteless to be sanctioned by such a responsible body but as General Barking-Barking pointed out it would be impossible for the council to control what was placed on the bonfire on a dark November evening.

The people of Wymsey now have to decide what to do on New year's Eve.


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Contact ESI Computing NOW!

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What Do You Want? Now that we have no gnome to blight the Millennium Wymsey has to find something else to welcome the year 2000. The Chronicle went onto the streets of Wymsey this week to find what ideas people had:
  • Leslie Smith : "What we need matey is whopping big water tower on the top of Wymsey Hill - no more shortages then."
  • Lizzie Kallinthrop : "Dunna mate but if I don't get to the chemists right quick I ain't gonna be around to see it."
  • Sister Sara O'Hara : Ooh, now there's thing and me just wondering how I might get me a new moped. Sure now, a Millennium Moped - how does that grab you?"

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June 26th

Wymsey Trains Launch:
On Wednesday, the Wymsey Steam Preservation Society announced the launch of Wymsey Trains, a registered charity and it's trading arm, the Wymsey Train Company.

The logo was the work of Bingle Bangle Promotions and was designed to ensure that Wymsey Trains would have a distinct and original presence in the marketplace. A spokesperson for Wymsey Trains told the Chronicle, "We are very pleased with our logo, there's nothing quite like it out there." He described as "bright and jolly but with momentum." The spokesperson also told us that land negotiations were complete and that the Society were holding talks with Railtrack which they hoped would lead to station access at Watchester Junction.


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Water Tower For
the Millennium?

Now that the gnome is behind us Wymsey is giving serious thought to the nature of our Millennium Statement. A chance remark by Leslie 'Snorter' Smith suggesting that we have a water tower on Wymsey Hill has got people thinking. A straw poll in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns indicated that many people would love a water tower. "Aye, we could dance round it on the solstice." and "great for skinny-dipping." were only two of the many enthusiastic responses the idea evoked.

Opinions were divided as to whether it should be a bold statement in stainless steel or something more conservative that would blend into the landscape. But as John Applegate stated, "How, for goodness sake, can a water tower perched on the top of Wymsey Hill blend in with the landscape even if you weave the dam thing in willow." Mr Applegate is mainly against the water tower because it would be new and therefore not historical. Give it a chance Mr Applegate!


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July 2nd

Railtrack Put Obstacle In Path Of Wymsey Trains:
UK railway track managers, Railtrack, this week gave a cool reception to the plans of Wymsey Trains who wish to re-create the line from Wymsey to Watchester Junction. A spokeswoman for the Company told the Chronicle, "For goodness sake, we are up to our necks in it over the reconstruction the West Coast route to Scotland, Richard Branson is on the phone to us twice a day, the government want us to help out with the London Underground and now you guys want us deal with a piddling ten miles of single track from nowhere to nowhere in particular. Oh look, I'm really sorry, we get so much stick - I'm not sure that I can take much more."

The Wymsey Railway Preservation Society told us that all they wanted was a yes in principle at this stage. The Chronicle has discovered that Railtrack are obliged to allow Wymsey trains to use the station at Watchester Junction.


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Clinton Recants On Cough Drops: In a confused attempt to re-dress a disastrous foreign policy statement made last week, President Clinton of the USA revoked his order for the removal of Dah Dits, the Wymsey cough-drop, from store shelves across America (including the American Virgin Islands and Alaska).

A White House aide told us, "The President has a thing about Wymsey and I guess he saw red. Mr Clinton has had a lot on his mind lately and, to be honest, could do with a holiday. He has put the whole thing in the hands of the World Trade Organisation which he has in his hands."

Meanwhile, both the Wymsey Post Office and Mrs MacKenzies ConVienice Store, who last week removed all traces of American Hard Gums and Belgium Chocolate from their shops, are fuming. "I'm fuming, I can tell you," Mrs MacKensie told the Chronicle, "this is playing havoc with my paperwork and my relationship with my supplier. And another thing, I won't be selling American walnuts come Christmas."

At Dah Dits, Marketing Director, attractive Sharon Spooner, 32, told the Chronicle, " I've been tearing my hair out all week, it's been a mess of misunderstanding, and now I need a wig."


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Blaah Looking Bleak: Things are not looking too good for Ex-Councilor Julius Blaah - actually it's him that's not looking too good.Blaah Modified? Three months after his visit to the Basingstoke Experimental Agricultural Seeding Trials , BEASTS, (see past issue) Blaah is looking decidedly modified. BEASTS is the seed trial ground of Montantrum Bionics Inc and Blaah, being the man he is, declined not to wear protective clothing when walking through the grounds. Rumour has it that if Blaah somehow manages to get elected to the European Parliament he will be fed by the hand of Montantrum.

Local Montantrum representative, Blaah's brother-in-law Jackey Clayton, commented: "Julius is looking a bit under the weather - I expect it's his hay fever."

Earlier this week Julius Blaah addressed the Wymsey Rotundians on the subject of the Advances and Advantages of Genetically Modified Foods and Organisms and next week is due to meet members of Lympshire Emergency Planning Committee to brief them on the absolute safety of genetic engineering, he is also due to spar with MC MIKE on UWAT FM's magazine programme "The Ostrich Hour" which will be discussing the covert spiking of our foodstuffs with modified maize and soya.

As local pig breeder, Leslie Smith put it, "You want watch to him, matey. That Blaah talks out of his horse's saddle."


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Wymsey Vegetarians Ready to Rescue Larvae: Ethel M & Bertram B Nails, of Wymsey Vegetarians, indicated that they were preparing plans to carry out covert operations to save the Monarch butterfly. Monach Catapillar They plan to slip into America from Canada to collect pupa and seeds of the milkweed on which the Monarch catapillar feeds. "We can't stand by and let this happen," Bertram M Nails told the Chronicle, "These beautiful creatures are being decimated in order to increase the overproduction of maize - it's genocide perpetuated by multinational fat guts whose pockets are already leaking dollars all other the place. I'm foaming."

The Nails have plans to create a butterfly house and are looking for a suitable site, the Watchester Glass house Company have undertaken to supply a building at cost price.


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Wymsey Hits 10,000: The WebSpin Management Contortium this week announced that over 10,000 visits had been made to Wymsey in the past thirteen months. "Beyond our wildest dreams, is what it is." said attractive Shirley Stripple, 27, of the WebSpin Tourist Department. "We're on target." she added.

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Montantrum Launches Image offensive: In an admission that they had misread the people of Wymsey, Montantrum Bionics Inc this week launched a belated attempt to improve their public image.
Montantrum - we care

Adverts like the one above are intended to reassure us that all is well in the hands of Montantrum. A straw poll in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns overwhelmingly suggested puzzlement and /or cynicism. Most people wanted to know what it was that Montantrum actually cares about.

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June 18th

Blaah Defeated: In an unsurprising European Parliament election, ex-Parish Councilor Julius Blaah was heavily defeated. Someone from Watchester won. Blaah is gradually being removed from spheres of influence in Wymsey although he is still a church warden at St Duvet & All Angels and a parent-governor at Wymsey Infant School - known locally as WIS. as in "What school do you go to?" "I go to wis."

Ex-Councilor Blaah was unavailable for comment but rumour has it that he has gone up to London to consider his future - we understand that he has contacts in Soho. The Chronicle can hardly wait for his next move.


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Branch line to Re-open? Railway Buffs at the Wymsey Steam Engine Preservation Society this week announced the formation of Wymsey Trains, a limited company whose aim is to re-open the line that ran from Wymsey to Watchester. The last train used the line in 1963. A spokesman told the Chronicle, "We've been watching that nice Mr Branson with his Virgin Trains and decided that if he can get away with what he does then we would stand a good chance of raising the capital and have a service running by Summer, 2000."

Wymsey Trains have already opened negotiations with various landowners and are confident that they will be able to re-construct the original line.


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Wymsey Woman Weds Widower: Miss Edith Chomsky, Wymsey Postmistress, this week married 75 year old retired grintle maker Freddy Goodfellow. The couple are honeymooning in Abyssinia. Our postmistress told us that from now on she would be known as Mrs Edith Chomsky-Goodfellow and that they intend to set up home in Freddy's cottage on the Farthingdale Road.. We wish them well.

Mr Goodfellow has long been an active member of Grintlers International (GI) and is a founder member of the Wymsey Rotundians. He is currently collaborating with Dr Jaime Jamieson of the Department of Rural History at UWAT (University of Watchester), Dr Jamieson is collating sources of information on the development and demise of the grintle as the first step in creating a national database.


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June 26th

Clinton Recalls Cough Drops: In a confused foreign policy statement this week President Clinton of the USA ordered the removal of Dah Dits, the Wymsey cough-drop, from store shelves across America (including the American Virgin Islands and Alaska). This was in retaliation for the banning of Coca Cola in Belgium, a spokeswoman for the White House told us that Mr Clinton was unclear about Belgium but he sure as hell knew where Wymsey was and given local press attitudes (that's us) could only say, "They had it coming."

Meanwhile, both the Wymsey Post Office and Mrs MacKenzies ConVienice Store have removed all traces of American Hard Gums and Belgium Chocolate from their shops.

At Dah Dits, Marketing Director, Sharon Spooner told the Chronicle, " We've had it up too here with American trade policy, first it was bananas then monster fed corn and now they pick on us because that man can't find Belgium on the map. We won't take this on our knees, I can tell you."


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Water Tower Poll:
The People of Wymsey will be able to democratically decide on the Wymsey Millennium Statement in the village's first Parish Referendum this weekend. Booths will be set up in the Village Hall and the Crown & Thorns. Anyone unable to get to one of the booths should contact the Parish Council Secretary who will arrange transport or postal vote. The referendum question will be, " Do you want :
  • A Water Tower
  • A New Moped for Sister Sara O'Hara
to be the Wymsey Millennium Statement?"

The Parish Council is planning a small exhibition of possible water tower designs which it is hoped will be available for inspection at the Village Hall by the weekend.


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Parish Council in
Lemon Dilemma
Wymsey Parish Council are likely to become embroiled in controversy over the Wymsey Millennium Water Tower. Lemon PhoneLemon Communications, one of the leading UK mobile phone companies, are offering the Parish 60,000 over ten years in return for the Company being able to erect a transmitter on top of the proposed water tower.

"This puts the Parish Council well and truly on the horns of a dilemma," Council Chairman, Gordon deStompe told our reporter, Charlie Stebbings, "On the one hand we could do with the money but on the other there is the question of embracing questionable technology. We don't want the people of Wymsey to end up with cooked brains. ( See the Wymsey Chronicle Weekend section Cooking feature.)


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July 2nd

Lemon Dithers On Tower: Lemon PhoneLemon Communications, one of the leading mobile phone companies, this week admitted that their offer to the Parish of 60,000 over ten years in return for the Company being able to erect a transmitter on top of the proposed water tower was somewhat premature.

"We could hardly put our transmitter on Sister Sara O'Hara's new moped if that's what the people of Wymsey choose," said Thomas T Trunkkall, the Company's Area Manager, "But the offer's still on if they choose a water tower."


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It's A Water Tower!
The People of Wymsey decided overwhelmingly last weekend that a water tower on Wymsey Hill was the way to celebrate the new millennium. The turnout for the referendum was 97 per cent, the results were as follows:

  • Those in favour : 72 per cent.
  • Those against : 3 per cent.
  • Don't know : 20 percent .
  • Abstentions : 5 per cent.

The Parish Council were delighted by the result and are expected to put the construction out to tender this week. It is hoped that the water tower will be completed by New Year's Eve.


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