"momma told him not to come."
It's ok, this is not a page of pictures depicting me showing my legs in various provocative poses although it could be if I were so to choose. It's true that my knees have a strange profile but that is due to the amount of begging for mercy that I have been forced to do in my long and varied life.
No, these are humorous short pieces, enjoy!
|The Millennium Dome||The Plagiars|
|Patron Saint Problem Solved
The Dome of Doom
I would hazard a guess that the rot began when British Prime Minister, Tony 'Nanny' Blair woke a somnambulant nation with the astounding statement that "The Dome has been built to re-energize the nation, raise the self-esteem of it's people and enhance the nation's standing." Energized by a gigantic half-buried umbrella? The last time we got energized it took Adolf Hitler six years to get us marching around sporting broom handles and digging holes in our back gardens. Needless to say, we have avoided London's Millennium Dome in our millions.
Self-esteem? What we want is our Empire back, we want to rule the waves, transport criminals to the Antipodes and send the children of the poor up chimneys. Or at least be left alone by pontificating politicians. What we don't want is to pay a king's ransom in order to spend the day in a circular warehouse full of neo-kitsch and being told what a great time we are having.
Enhance the nation's standing? Some one said that the Australians are always laughing at us, no doubt they are all falling over right now as we call in a Frenchman to save the Dome. (What will that do for our self-esteem?) Pierre -Yves Gerbeau ("call me PY") has been rushed through the Channel Tunnel to do for the Dome what he did for Euro Disney. We don't like being saved by the French - it's always been our job to save them.
PY, 35, is reportedly 'a whizzkid, bubbling with ideas and enthusiasm' and was once a professional hockey player. This whizzkid turned around Euro Disney by changing it's name and introducing alcohol for which he was speedily promoted to Chief Park Keeper. But turn around the Dome? If I were him I'd turn the damn thing upside down and solve the problem of London's disgusting drinking water - when you drink a glass of water in London you are the thirteenth person to do so.
© 1999, 2000 Charles Ivermee
I have to say right out that I am fuming, bitterly disappointed and, quite honestly, in a quandary as to where to take this. Having joined what I thought was a liberal group of writers with a humorous bent I find that I have become a member of yet another microcosm which merely reflects the ills of the larger society. This happens to me all the time. The last place I thought that I would find the pejorative word plagiarism was amongst a bunch of humorous writers so you can imagine how saddened I find myself.
Of the many causes I have espoused that of the Plagiars is one that has been long and constant, hardly a day passes when I don't have to rise to the defence of these ancient and honourable peoples. Since the first of them migrated across the plains of Araan sometime around 600BC and attempted to settle in the southeast of what is now Greece they have been held in contempt. This is manifestly unfair given what we know of their culture and artifacts, both written (acrylic cuneiform) and not. OK, so their pottery was similar to the early Greek but who can deny the execution. And I won't mention the giant wooden goat that they used to capture the City of Roy.
History can do funny things to a people's reputation and name, to the Greeks they were known as Plagos - because they hunted using traps which apparently they picked up from a tribe that they met on the plains, I guess Redneck would be a latter day equivalent. Of course, Rednecks can speak for themselves, not so the Plagiars and it is left a to a very small band to blow their trumpet, as it were, and put the record straight. So, let's have no more plagiarism stuff, please.
1. Being a NetWit at the time, I was following a discussion about plagiarism over at the NetWits mailing list.
2. I post the above plea for the Plagiars to the NetWits and put a notice on the Wymsey Parish Notice Board asking people to pass on what they know about that fine race to their children and children's children.
3. Someone from The Big Sofa reads my plea and posts a note the Parish Notice Board saying I have copied them but thanking me for supporting the Plagiars. Meanwhile they have copied my notice and put it up at Big Sofa with a link to the Parish Notice Board.
4. In response I post my original posting to the NetWits on the Parish Notice Board.
5. I post to NetWits saying I've been copied and give the URL of the page at Big Sofa.
6. Grat reads it, goes to Big Sofa and then to the Parish Notice Board and posts that I suck because I stole the idea from a NetWit!
At least I think that is what happened.
There has been much discussion lately (mostly, it has to be admitted, by the NetWits) about the need for a Patron Saint of the Internet and this has now reached the ears of the Vatican.
Easter Sunday, St Peters Square, and the Pope is announcing his Easter Canonisations. As he comes to the end of the long list the Papal media advisor passes a piece of paper, "Vot iz zizz? Netvits? Ah, zee internet. They vont a zaint too. OK OK I gives them a zaint. (Oh, to hell with all these zees.) Jose Marti - has he been sainted yet? No. Then they can have him. St. Jose of the Wires, Little Father of the Liberties. That will go down well, he he."
At this point the Cuban cardinal throws his hat in the air and starts singing the Internationale and is joined by his Canadian counterpart, Archbishop Mountain P Dew. They then break into "Michael row the boat ashore." and the Pope smiles on benignly as the whole of the Square join in.
Meanwhile in Havana, President Fidel Castro is listening on short wave to Vatican Radio - his favourite station outside of Miami. "Hey guys I said that Pope was OK, what say we celebrate with a regatta."
© 2000 Charles Ivermee