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Life in Briarhop Corners...America's Town..the heart of it all
even bigger and better for the year 2000


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Be sure to read Editor, Shep Melnick's insightful column on current events....

A Bulletin Public Service Reminder Electricity is our hard-working friend, and a great value in our daily lives, but it can hurt us when we stand in a pan of water and hold onto live wires. Use electricity wisely.
A BRIARHOP CORNERS MEMORY ...
thoughts of more pleasant times, an essay by Arlo Postwaithe of Koons Rd.......
summer at Briarhop Lake


On this chilly February day of an Ohio winter when the landscape is blanketed with snow pierced only by the fenceposts of farms and the stubble of the long-harvested corn crop, and the cold penetrates our very being as we struggle against the biting, almost-painful winter winds, we think back to the hazy,lazy 97 degree days of August along the shores of our Briarhop Lake, with its luxuriant coating of green algae, and the constant bites of malaria and encephalitis-carrying mosquitos, accompanied by the pervasive stench of the Gorbinski abbatoir, as the entrails of the freshly-slaughtered pigs are cast into the murky waters, to form the bright rainbow-like surface haloes, enhanced by the freshly-changed, still-warm oils emptied into the lake from Amos's Texaco. And completing the scene, the joyful laughter of our children as they dive and cavort amongst the discharges of a hundred septic tanks, whos warm effluent pours into those waters, as well.
Ah, August, we miss you and long for your return to us...........
FOOT ENTHUSIAST VISITS BRIARHOP CORNERS


-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- For those who had a severe toejam buildup, corns or bunions, or bleeding infected peeling skin between their toes, this was their moment.
Dr. Otis Tarmac, the world-famous foot enthusiast, appeared in Briarhop Corners, February 6, at 1pm at Ella's IGA supermarket on S. Xenia Pike, next to the lunchmeat.

Dr. Otis Tarmac, foot enthusiast, who recently visited the village for an appearance at the IGA

Dr. Tarmac was greeted by a crowd of people, carrying their shoes and socks. At times the line went all the way to housewares and feminine hygiene. Dr.Tarmac removed more than fifteen pounds of toejam, lanced 24 boils, and squeezed innumerable seething infections until they popped.
Barry Peskin, a cantor and mens-wear retailer, was one of the first in line. "I was one of the first in line", said Peskin, who showed up ninety minutes before Dr. Tarmac's scheduled arrival. Darren "Ziggie" Dwart, age 46, a welding technology instructor at Clark County Community College, said he had to miss two classes to attend Dr. Tarmac's appearance, but it was worth it. "It was an experience I will never forget," commented Dwart. "I took some pictures with Dr. Tarmac, so when my children grow up, I can show them the day their dad had his plantar's wart burned with acid, and then dug out with a scalpel". Dwart recalled being teased as a child, and being the object of derision in his high school class, where students who yell " Ziggie Dwart has a plantar's wart". Dwart says that experience resulted in his undergoing years of psychotherapy, and even today, following removal of the plantar's wart, he has nightmares about the taunting he endured.

Bernard Dwart (far right), in BCHS 1970 yearbook photo of the Stamp Club, when he was being picked on because of his plantar's wart. He says the other boy in the picture, Malawa Gupta, an honors student from India and president and sole member of the National Honor Society, used to tromp on his foot to cause his wart to hurt. Dwart says that experience has caused him to hate Indian people to this day, and avoid anything with curry

Lyman Turkel III, a member of the Briarhop Corner's High School Marching Band, the Marching Briarhoppers , was positioned near breakfast cereal, and performed a medley of marching band half-time favorites such as Louie Louie and We Will, We Will Rock You , as well as a selection of melodies by Henry Mancini, including the Mr. Lucky theme.

Lyman Turkel III, coronetest with the Marching Briarhoppers performed for those awaiting treatment

Dr. Tarmac, who is a great believer in foot health education for everyone, passed out pamphlets to each person in line, entitled: Foot Health Education for Everyone . The 4-page informative 3-color booklet includes sections on preventing foot disorders,including hammertoes.

(left) foot of Britney Spaniel of Hagan Rd. as examined by Otis Tarmac, foot enthusiast... (note pus-filled inflamed area)(left) portion of foot of Darby Fluke of Brunswick Dr. showing ingrown toenail and seeping engorged infected tissue

BRIARHOP MASQUERS PRESENT ORIGINAL DRAMA, "MARVIN PLAIN AND TALL"

-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- Everyone agrees, there is certainly no lack of dramatic talent in this community. If you need proof, just attend a performance of the new play Marvin, Plain and Tall , being presented each evening in February at the VFW Post 997 Hall.
The play was written by local resident, Trinka Dinkee, who in addition to being a playright, is a distributor of high- quality Herbalife vitamins and diet products in Clark, Champaign, and Darke counties.
It is the story of Marvin "Moose" Pusq ,who moved to Briarhop Corners in 1954, after emigrating from Latvia, and built a 2 bedroom ranch house for himself and his wife, Arlene (nee Gumby), a hair stylist and colorist, who did occasional manicures as well. She had also been trained as a nurses aide at the Clark County School of Practical Nursing, but preferred the exciting life of a hair and nail technician.
Arlene divorced Marvin in 1965 and moved to Urbana after running off with Kirby sweeper salesman, Arnold Dreyfus, who later sold fallout shelters.

Pusq house in 1954, now the site of the Briarhop Corners federally-condemned brownfield radioactive waste disposal area

The part of Marvin "Moose" Pusq is sensitively played by Karl Farfel, who many will remember playing the role of the negro singer "Little Richard", in the Chuck Woolery Story , presented by the Masquers last year at the VFW.
Life in the fifties was very difficult for the Pusqs as foreign newcomers and they were constantly battling their neighbors who had portable barbecue grills which sent smoke into the Pusq residence, when the wind was blowing from the southwest, which was most of the time. When they weren't barbecuing, the neighbors were often burning drums of toxic waste they had purchased at an surplus auction at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. Moose was allergic to all smoke, but especially barbecue smoke, particularly that generated by ribs when copious amounts of barbecue sauce were applied.
In the dramatic third act, Moose Pusq challenges his neighbor, Ralph Figueroa, a mushroom-sorting technician at Gorbinski's Mushroom Farms, Septic Tank Cleaning, Porta-John Service, and Family Restaurants , to put the lid on his Weber grill. When Figueroa, a diminutive man of Portugese extraction, answers Pusq's complaint by applying even more barbecue sauce, as he pops another Schoenling .Moose Pusq has finally had enough and marches into Figueroa's yard, smashing his reflecting lawn ball, toppling his lawn grotto (crushing the entire holy family), ripping apart his neighbor's child's Big Wheel, and finally picking up Figueroa's Sears Craftsman riding mower and hurling it at the barbecue grill, smashing the mower and the grill, and sending ribs flying everywhere.

Moose Pusq, portrayed by Karl Farfel, star of "Marvin,Plain and Tall" in the dramatic scene where he challenges his suburban neighbor to stop barbecuing

Also in the play are: (in order of appearance)Leon Paul Drebnik as Ralph Hansel, Irving and Therese Pangborn as Ralph and Simone Figeuroa, Demond Peskin as Arnold, Sherry Pharmacopia as Nurse Genevieve, Buster Kravitz as Puffy Combs, Linus Booger as Elliot, Ty-Wan Ahn as the chinese waiter, Turbo Leptor as the handicapped man in the wheel chair, Humbert Spaniel as Walter, Calvin Basket as the Baron Von Trapp, Lester Breast as Dr. Pigano, Oleta Stumpp as herself, and Genoa Salami as the narrator.

Act two where Leon Paul Drebnik as Ralph Hansel (left) and the Figueroas, portrayed by Irving and Therese Pangborn, discuss what to barbecue for dinner

Refreshments sold between the acts are being served by the Briarhop Corners High School chapter of SAM , Students Against Minorities.
MEAT MANAGER SPOTS BIG CELEBS

-Briarhop Corners,Ohio-For Sandor Melch, being meat manager at Ella's IGA is more than just shrink-wrapping a pound of pickle and pimento loaf, serving up some bulk potted meat product or dishing out some animal by-products or pig's feet.
For Melch, it means keeping a sharp eye peeled for big Hollywood or tv stars who like to do their shopping quietly and without fanfare. "I got used to keeping a sharp eye out in WW2", explains Melch. "If you didn't, a jap would sneak up on you, and shove a bayonet between your ribs before you even realized what was happening." Over the years, Melch says he's seen a lot of famous people come up and down the aisles. "You know Hedy Lamarr, who just died. She shopped here. Bought some pork chops from me and some lebanon balogna. I think that was in 1954 or so", he recalls. Melch has also sold meat to Robert Redford, Bennie Hinn, Lucille Ball, Tom Brokaw, and Dick Van Dyke.
Good celebrity photo shots are possible only because Melch keeps his camera handy and loaded, over by the slicer. "When you have a big star, you have to shoot quickly", he has found. "A lot of the really big stars don't want me to tell about them being here" says Melch. "In the war, I learned to keep a secret, so the japs couldn't sneak up and surprise us and stick a bayonet between your ribs".

Sandor Melch, taking a few moments from preparing head cheese, recalls star sightings

One of Melch's personal favorite is the photograph he caught of actress Sharon Stone, who had come in to do her week's grocery shopping. "She had on dark glasses and thought I didn't recognize her", he recalls. "She bought some city chicken and a pint of potato salad from the cooler, and then got herself some sanitary products which shall remain un-named from me ", reports Melch. He says he didn't really get a good picture until she left and he caught her in the parking lot.

Actress Sharon Stone loads her groceries into her Toyota 4-Runner SUV, unaware of the camera

Melch says in the past week he saw actor, Walter Brennan in the store, and he bought some chicken parts, and the same day, rapper, Puff Daddy came in for "some of those negro ribs we have and the collards. They love the collards ".

(left) Walter Brennan, actor (right) Puff Daddy, rapper, both seen shopping at the IGA

SHAVER CLEANING CLINIC DRAWS BIG CROWD

-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- The BHC annual Shaver Cleaning Clinic , was held January 21 and 22, sponsored by the Bulletin , The Chamber of Commerce, Mordur and Pestle Pharmacy , the Pekkr-Mart and the Clark County Department of Health and Human Services. This year's event drew more than 400 people to the community room at Gorbinski's Family Restaurant on S. Xenia Pike. The gathering, the largest so far for the shaver cleaning clinic, required extra tables and chairs to be set up in the community room. Esther Transfatty and Claire-Adelaide Baranski, clinic co-chairs, were kept busy placing additional cleaning dishes and adding shaver cleaner where required. They also made sure than there were little shaver brushes, as well as adequate paper towels at each table to dry the shaver heads after cleaning.

a portion of the attendees at this year's annual shaver-cleaning clinic

Many of those present were aghast at the power-point slide presentation, entitled "Your Shaver is Your Friend, Keep It Clean".
Some viewing the close-ups of razors jammed with tiny hairs became so upset they had to leave the room before becoming ill. One attendee, Harlow Kommanche of Raymond St. had to be treated by paramedics.
Speakers included pharmacist, Howie Pestle, who's topic was "is it time to replace your heads? A pharmacist's perspective.", Murlene Tasco, a dermatologic co-cordination specialist from the Clark County Dept of Health, who spoke on, "dangers of skin abrasions from unclean shavers", and Reymar Freedheim, Phd,EE, who discussed ,"conditioning your shaver batteries for longest life", and " is it time for nickel-hydride in your shaving life?".
Several demonstrations of electric shaving were given, and there was an exhibit of concept electric shavers, including a model that enables the shaver to send and receive E-mail, and/or cellular calls, while shaving.

dirty, partially-clogged shaver, shown on slide presentation at shaver cleaning clinic

Each participant received a booklet, entitled, "maintaining your shaver for maximum service", a ball-point pen bearing the legend "Milleinium Shaver Cleaning Clinic", and a small black shaver cleaning brush. The clinic was taped for playback on PBS Channel 84, at a later date, to be announced.
BHC MAN WINS REGIONAL AWARD


-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- Adam Apple, distributor of tasty Little Debbie Snack Cakes in Clark, Greene, and Union counties, has won the "Regional Little Debbie" distributors award for the third quarter of 1999.

(left) Adam Apple, Little Debbie distributor, wins top regional award (right) Lyle Demoss-Hyland leads luncheon attendees in Little Debbie Snack Song

The award, given at a luncheon at the community room of the Frisch's Big Boy in Urbana,was presented by Lyle Demoss-Hyland, "regional vice-president of Snack Cakes and other high caloric foods" for the Little Debbie company.
"Mr. Apple's performance as the representative in the three-county area was exemplary", declared Mr. Demoss-Hyland."He has, through his hard work and dedication, made Little Debbie the snack cake of choice for more than three hundred people this quarter", continued Mr. Demoss-Hyland. "These consumers are enjoying the benefits of eating Little Debbie including the sugar high that comes with every bite".
Two other distributors, who will be working in Highland and Preble counties, were also sworn in at the luncheon. They are Harry Crotty and Rashid Demond Lieberman. They took the Little Debbie oath administered by Mr. Demoss-Hyland, and recited the Little Debbie creed. The entire luncheon audience then sang the Little Debbie song.
Snack cakes were provided as door prizes at each table and each partcipant took home a gift-pack of Little Debbie snack cakes. Each table was decorated with a Little Debbie doll, created by the "Future Home-Makers" club at Briarhop Corners High School, under the direction of Miss Elna Pfaff, club advisor. The guest who found the picture of Little Debbie under his coffee cup at each table, got to keep the Little Debbie doll.
TUSHEES RETURN FROM ROAD TRIP

-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- If you think age is a barrier to adventure and exploration, you haven't met 94 year-old Nestor and 91 year-old Olive Tushee, BHC travellers. The Tushees, who live on Chama Trial,(when they're not on the road), have just returned from a 3-day trip to Piqua, Lima, and Sidney, Ohio.

Nestor and Olive, those travelling Tushees

"We decided this trip we'd stop at as many Bob Evans as possible" explains Nestor. We know they have a lot of specials every day, like a meat loaf dinner for $5.49 including soup or juice. They also sell their pancake mix and the biscuit mix at the register when you pay. They take Golden Buckeye, too."
The last time when the Tushee's travels took them to the outskirts of Dayton and Cincinnati, their objective was to go as many Denny's as they could find. "We liked Denny's", said Olive, "because we know they don't serve the coloreds". Bob Evans proved to be more of an adventure because they don't seem to discriminate. " On Thursday, we was sitting next to some people who could have been Porto Riggans or somthing", said Nestor. "Olive was nervous and kept an eye on her purse all the time. I bet she didn't even enjoy her biscuits and sausage gravy", he recalls.
At night, the Tushees spread out a blanket in the back seat of their 1972 Plymouth Valiant, for sleeping. "We would pull off at a rest stop", explained Olive,"so we could have a place to pee".

The Tushee's Playmouth Valiant, shown with their nephew, Claude Hinkle

Their trip was not without unexpected challenges. At one point, they were in a 3 mile traffic jam on I-75 south of Lima when a truck overturned. "It was a big J.B. Hunt", recalls Nestor,"and it was lying on its side across two lanes but we don't know what it was carrying. Their was a firetruck and a couple of state patrol cars there". In another adventure, they saw a dead deer along the road, that had been hit by a car or a truck. "Nestor wondered whether the meat would be any good", remembers Olive, "but I don't think you're allowed to take those animals because the county picks them up and donates them to the coloreds, who really know how to barbecue them".
VFW GROUNDHOG DAY PARTY A BIG SUCCESS


-Briarhop Corners,Ohio- Members of VFW Post 997 held their annual Groundhog Day Party on the day before Groundhog Day. Barry Dorff again headed the party committee, assisted by Morris Garner and Claude Motz. The theme of this year's event was Groundhog Day, and a good time was had by many, perhaps most, in attendance.
Entertainment this year featured the music of "Vince" Vincent and the Smooth Tones from Dayton, whose mixture of swing and sway delighted the dancers, as well as those who sat at the gaily-decorated crepe-paper covered tables, or threw up out the back door.
During the intermission, members of the Post 997 color guard performed their spectacular fiery flag twirling routine, which was going well until Dickie Shortcap had a slight mishap when he became impaled on one of the burning flags and had to be rushed to Irv's Hospital by members of TURD (the Township United Rescue Department). At last report he had suffered second degree burns of the scrotum and other gentile areas. Surgery is planned for sometime this spring to remove the flagpole and the bronze eagle atop it.
After the excitement of the fire which ignited the hall decorations, a distance-pissing competition was held in the parking lot. Committee members had spray-painted concentric rings on the gravel at distances of 3 feet, six feet, nine feet, and twelve feet.
Again this year, Richie Loftus won with a stream of seven feet 14 and one half inches to take the men's crown. Birdie Baganski won the women's trophy with a stream of sixteen and one quarter inches, and claims she would have done better were it not for a headwind which caused her to wet her new patent leather pumps, which she had just purchased from Leo's Wonderful World of Footwear , in Huber Heights.

"Vince" Vincent and the Smooth-Tones bring Dayton musical sophistication to Briarhop Corners


getting ready for the party are: (l-r) Esther-Claire Durst, Hermine Gorsach, Therese Figg. and Angie Kelpski


(left)Dionn Ummerstaff and her escort (right) Rod Pistone, take the floor to the danceable melodies of "Vince" Vincent and the Smooth-Tones


Party-goers, Camille Pubis and Earl Tapioca, swing out to the Johnson Rag

THE EDITOR'S CORNER... things to think about..

Thoughts from the pen of Shep Melnick, Briarhop Corners Bulletin Editor


Shep Melnick, Editor of the Briarhop Corners Bulletin

Foot health is something many of us don't think about with the volatile stock market, David Letterman's recent heart bypass surgery, the war in the Balkans, and Mrs. Clinton's campaign for the senate in New York. But the recent visit to BHC of foot enthusiast, Otis Tarmac should make us think more of our feet, our good friends. How many of us pause to reflect on how our feet carry us from place to place and ask little in return, except perhaps an occasional bath, or foot rub. Imagine the feet of real fat people and how much work they have to do each day. We rarely hear these "dogs" bark (pardon my humourous reference to feet as "dogs"). Thin people often have problems as well, but not as much as fat people. Some women try to wear shoes that are too small and they end up with real achy feet. Some people get their feet wet into the winter and get the atheltic foot from it, because they don't dry them well, or put some powder down there.
So let's use this opportunity to think more about our feet, and vow to treat them better in the new millenium.
That's what I think about it. If you have a dissenting view, please send me a note, and I will publish it in our "Reader's Opinion" column.
THE BRIARHOP BULLETIN FORUM
Reader's opinions on current events

Dear Editor:
it seems to me that the Bulletin is paying far too much attention to trivial matters and rarely deals with substantive issues of our community, such as the new traffic light on S. Xenia Pike. The other day I waited more than a minute for the light to change, even though there was very little traffic coming on E. Main. It is often said, time is money. Think about that.
signed, Gerard Temco Jr.
Editor, the Bulletin:
On Xenia Pike, near the Foodliner , there is a lot of scrap paper and stuff that comes off trucks or people throw out of their car windows. Truck drivers should make sure that their loads are not loose and flying all over, and people should not throw things out of the car window. I am surprised editor Shep has not commented on this. Perhaps it should be a subject of a future editorial, that could be called "Stop throwing things out the car window, or letting loose stuff come off trucks".
signed, Lyle Commode
To the Editor:
My family and I recently attended the basketball game between BCHS and Greenon HS. We were shocked by the language used by some of the spectators. Isn't the purpose of high school athletics to promoted sportsmanship and teach the students a lesson about getting along in society. I was apalled, as I had to cover my children's ears, from all the shouts of "motha-f", and "a-hole". We do not use this language in our home, and we do not think a lot of people at high school games yelling, "go suck a ---", is good sportsmanship. I counted at least five references to deviant sexuality, and many taking the Lord's name in vain. Incidentally, BCHS lost because the f---ing officiating sucked big time.
signed, Elizabeth Ann Ronzo (Mrs.Waldo)
To the Editor:
Even though the Y2K crisis appears to have passed without significant incidents, we should not forget that Jesus is very pissed about our behavior and one of these days will cut loose with a torrent of fire and brimstone, and punish all those who have not been saved, and send them to a fiery hell from which each day is a day of greater pain, where there is no hope and only despair. Remember, Jesus loves you.
signed: The Rev. fester B. Spruu, pastor, Church of Ernest
THE BULLETIN SNAPSHOT OF THE MONTH......CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
staff shutterbug, Lyle "Snappy" Purvurtt, catches another BHC resident when they least expect it..


Myra Immelman, a teller at Briarhop Bank, is caught peeing as our staff shutterbug points his camera suddenly in the ladies room door to catch the "decisive moment"

LOOKING SOUTH ON XENIA PIKE....THE HEART OF BRIARHOP CORNERS


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BRIARHOP CORNERS BULLETIN NOW HAS BRITISH AFFILIATE

We think you'll enjoy Charle's Wymsey Village page from England. It's sort of Briarhop Corners with an accent. Try it by double-clicking on the blue Wymsey News title bar, below.
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ENTER THE WINK MARTINDALE SWEEPSTAKES NOW AND WIN TEN CANS OF GORBINSKI'S FAMOUS POTTED MEAT PRODUCT

Sweepstakes Week #11 is now open..enter now..entries must be dated before January 31, 2000 All prizes will be awarded on the basis of accuracy of all answers, originality, and aptness of thought. No entries can be returned and remain the property of the Briarhop Bulletin. On your entry form, be sure and note which week you are entering, and whether you prefer a one-time payment or prefer to take your prize in payments over a 20-year period. Entrants must sign guestbook to be eligible. Decision of the judges is final. Only one entry per week is permitted. In case of a tie, duplicate prizes will be awarded, except for potted meat products, which are no longer available.
CONGRATULATIONS Hulda-Marie Boskovic...WINNER OF WEEK#10


Hulda-Marie is an assistant nurses-aide dietary assistant at the Briarhop Corners Retirement Community. She says the part of her job she likes best is cleaning up the patients on chili-dog night.
She enjoys her other duties as well, she says. "We have a little game we call hide the rectal thermometer, we give clues and the aides have to guess which patient its hidden in. The winner then gets a Bud Light".
Grand Prize for winner of week number 10 ..... Gorbinski's famous potted meat product



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Most recent Briarhop Corners revision ,Wednesday February 2, 2000
Copyright © 2000 FelixR.Onehundredton.com

Octber, 2000: After the death of Joel his ISP, with unseeming swiftness, removed Briarhop Corners. Luckily I was able to find this page stored on a US university server. After I had made this copy I informed a number of people and within a couple of days the page was removed, so this may be the only copy left. Sadly, no images had been saved. Joel's guestbook is still up so do visit and pay your respects.

April 2001: For more information on Joel's sad death take a look at Editor and Publisher Online.
Also check out Cleveland Free Times.
With the exception of this note no other changes have been made. Charlie, Wymsey.